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Joke that made I giggle


War Hero
There was an ex squaddie in the gym today and he was having the crack with me and I was explaining that I was RR token black guy.
He then started in with the Black jokes and I nearly pissed myself laughing at the twat.

One in particular joke was thus.
A white man got on a bus in Bradford he was the only white on the bus.
Every Other ****** got off they thought he was a ghost.
I went to see the Red Arrows today. There were gasps of "Ooh" and
"Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had
some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.

It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment but, in the end, my
wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.
There was a tragic accident at the cake factory; a worker fell in to a huge vat of fruit cake mix; he almost avoided drowning, but sadly, he was pulled under by a strong currant.
I wish I'd bought my baked beans online.
Heinz site's a wonderful thing.

I was watching the television, when the wife walked past and turned it off. After sitting there for an hour staring at a blank screen, I thought to myself…
That’s not on.

I can't help being lazy.
It walks in the family.

A massive congratulations to Hugh Zappriti Boyden who has been elected president of the British Budgerigar Society.

I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band in Switzerland.
Then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva
I popped into the library and asked if they had any books on coincidences.
The librarian said, "As a matter of fact, this one's just arrived"

Friend of mine sprinted down to the chemist and bought the first skin cream he could see - didn't even ask the price.

As a painter I’m proud to say that some of my work is on show at the National Gallery.
I did the skirting boards.

Can’t believe it took me 15 years of using anti dandruff shampoo before I realised doing the shoulders was optional.

A soldier who was renting my house has done a runner owing me 6 months rent!!
He told me he was a General but I've since discovered he's a Left Tenant

I'm not saying lady in front of me at the checkout in Tescos had bad teeth but when she smiled, the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
Newton's Third Law.
Sir Isaac Newton's third law of motion states, “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”. The basic point of this law is that for there to be a reaction there first has to be an action. Newton's third law has been understood for centuries, but in recent years scientists have begun questioning some aspects of the physics involved.
I will give an everyday example that most people will be familiar with. Imagine if you will a man, who we'll call 'the Husband' is lying absolutely motionless on the sofa in his own lounge. To add reality to the scene, we could also imagine he has recently returned from the Pig and Whistle, where he got very slightly rat arsed, but the main point here is, that he is motionless, comatose, if it wasn't for the snoring and belching and farting, he could pass for dead.
Now a second person enters the room, again for argument's sake let’s call her 'the Wife' and immediately the wife has a reaction. Now! how can this be? It flies in the face of Newton's Third Law. The Husband has not moved a muscle, not made any action yet the wife has reacted. At first, the reaction is restrained, snorting, grumbling and banging things around but soon escalates into violent and uncontrolled ‘Hoovering with intent to injure.’ culminating in heavy objects being thrown,
From these newly discovered facts, scientists made a startling scientific discovery, they have now deduced that Sir Isaac Newton was never married.
The gorillas in the zoo live in abject poverty.
They don't have two ape knees to rub together

I just found my mate slumped over Hadrian's Wall with an empty vodka bottle in his hand.
I think he might be a borderline alcoholic.

I have to give a speech on the link between anxiety and insomnia next week…
I've been up all night worrying about it

I’ll never forget what my late uncle said to me.
He said, “I’m sorry I’m late.”

My Girlfriend bought lots of Impressionist paintings, but very little Chanel Number 5.
Seems to me like she's got more Monet than scents.

I’ve just started a new diet. I look at people serving food instead of eating it.
It’s called Watch Waiters.
I first met my girlfriend on a village green! There were marquees, food stalls, tug of war and a tombola..
Fete brought us together

I was going to cook alligator stew but then realised I only had a croc pot

I worked in an opticians but I fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of myself.

I worked at the zoo making a sort of soup for the hyenas. It was mixed in a big caldron. When I was stirring it I leaned over a little bit too far, fell in and became a laughing stock.

I worked in a suppository factory. Couldn't get on with any of my co-workers.
I made a lot of enemas there.

Stealing clothes from washing lines… been there, done that, got the T-shirt....

I’d put £5 each way on the Dalali Lama if I was a Tibetan man.

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