It's a pure dead give-away that you're scottish if :-

Mrs wits gave me this one,


1. You consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine as good weather.
2. The only sausage you like is square.
3. You have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty, aye, aye right, auldjin, baltic...
4. You destroyed your teeth when you were young using Buchanan's toffee, Wham bars, Cola Cubes, Irn bru.
5. You happ.........ily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone you've never met before.
6. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia , Deacon Blue and Big Country, you still love it when you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish. 7. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas.
8. You see police and hear someone shout 'Errapolis'.
9. You have participated in or watched people having a 'square go'.
10. You know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only want to know if you are catholic or protestant.
11. You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince 'n tatties, Tunnock's Caramel Logs, oat cakes, haggis, Lees Macaroon Bars, etc.
12. A jakey has asked you for money.
13. You know the right response to 'Ye dancing ?' is 'Y'askin?' followed by 'Ahm askin' and finally 'Then ahm dancin'.
14. You don't do shopping... you 'go for the messages'.
15. You're sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you telling you a joke - and asking 'Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?' and you respond 'Naw, not at a', yer fine. This is ma stoap, but'.
16. You can have an entire phone conversation using only the words 'awright', 'aye' and 'naw'.
17. You aren't surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies and fags all for sale from the ice cream van.
18. You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Auchtermuchty.
19. Your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy. 20. You're used to 4 seasons in one day.
21. You measure distance in minutes.
22. You can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in your own family.
23. You go to Saltcoats because you think it's like being at the ocean.
24. You know what haggis is made with and still eat it.
There you go Wits, I've made it more real .
A million Scottish women a day pick up a tin of beans and say there's wan missin.
The man comes home from the boozer to find his missus sitting on top of an englishman bouncing away quite merrily, and it only cost the Pompey based lad half a heavy
Why the **** do you Northern ***** insist on calling everyone Ken?

In my entire life, I can honestly say I've never met a real person called Ken.

Ya Ken?
When you invite a horny young matelot to your flat,give him a very,very good Scottish rogering then wonder why he did a runner when he recognised your fiance's picture on the bedside table, who just happened to be one of Scotlands most famous boxers!
It happened to me and I couldn't get out of there fast enough and the rest of my runs ashore were in a different part of town.
Life's too short for that risk!but she certainly knew all the body clinches!
I knew a killick stoker who thought nothing of spending £150 on buying every single top of the teams playing England in the 2006 World Cup. He was bitter for some reason.
You know you live in Edinburgh when:

It’s called Embra.

The “season of mists and mellow fruitfulness” is summer, without the fruitfulness bit.

A road is a long trench with cars sitting beside it.

Every August you pay an involuntary levy of an extra 10% on the price of drinks and taxis.

You know someone who knows someone who’s the inspiration of a character in Trainspotting.

The big hotel at the east end of Princes Street is called “The North British”. End. Of. Story.

Your mum/dad/uncle/aunt’s friend insists they were on Sean Connery’s milkround OR painted him when he was a life model.

They were also at Tynecastle for the 0-7 game. (It must have had a capacity of 150,000 back then.)

Your doctor, lawyer, estate agent and mortgage adviser all went to the same school.

Scotland is divided into five regions: us, Fife, Borders, Highlands and apocalyptic industrial wasteland that should
really be part of Northern Ireland.

There is one condiment for fish suppers. And one only.
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