Is There a Santa Claus?

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by sgtpepperband, Nov 21, 2009.

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  1. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

    1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT, since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.

    This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

    5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

    In conclusion - If Santa ever DOES deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he'll be farkin' dead.

    Merry Christmas.
  2. Does that mean i have to go out and buy my daughter prezzies.Is he not real????
  3. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    There is cnuts, and then there is you Sgt. Next you'll be telling me the tooth fairy is b0llocks, now that would be a step too far. I'm fcukn moving to Bridgend.
  4. Santa has a distribution system and uses selected carriers /shipping /couriers to deliver his prezzies .

    The Sleigh and Reindeer team are only for Northern hemisphere and snow ice affected places .

    Apart from that our house ain't got a chimney cos its a smokeless zone.

    You'll be trying to say there's no such person as Santa next.

    G :fish:
  5. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Oh, of course he is, KK... and the cheques in the post, I really do love you, your bum doesn't look big in that and I promise I won't **** in your mouth!

    8O :D
  6. Looks like its Argos Monday morning for that DS then. Drat
    No prezzies from Santa baby for me then if hes not real, gutted
  7. Don't listen to him KK you can't beleive a word he say's, he told me that the world is round. Cnut. :D :)

    I think he goes ashore with Churchill, I was told he's a nodder as well. :wink: :roll:
  8. There most definitely is a Santa Claus, and he's
    called Prajit Devahrundundundurumdun-Ali-Ben-Singh,
    and he works the Christmas Eve night-shift at EVERY
    branch of Texacos 24 hour petrol stations. I get the
    wifes Christmas card, bag of Christmas-themed
    Liquorice Allsorts and half-dead bunch of flowers from
    him every f***ing year. The bloke should be given
    a f***ing Knighthood........saved me from "death by
    3-bar electric fire into the bath" on numerous occasions.
    Bloke's a f***ing miracle worker if you ask me.
  9. SPB, is there no magic in your soul? Do you even have a soul?

    Point to note: in Poland and Polish households, we open pressies on Christmas Eve, when we see the first star so your maths is a little off...
  10. This must be the stupidest question of the year, if not the decade.
    Of course SgtP does not have a soul. he is a member of the regulating branch, reggies have their souls removed firsy day of training :p
  11. Christmas Eve? Pah! We have to wait until the 6th of Jan around here. Plus, Santa Nicolas has a green coat, not a f'ing common red one.
    And double plus every crib has a little fella having a dump in the corner, and if you don't believe me google 'el caganer' 'cause it's true, so there.
    'ave a butchers 'ere..,1020,1365477,00.jpg
  12. I think he does a splendid job as he always has to work one reindeer down.
    Because he only works once a year the CAA grants him a special flying licence. But, just like everyone else he has to have an annual test part of which is completing a take off with an engine out.
    The CAA has a special gun licence for the shotgun the examiner uses 8O
  13. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Slim speaks the truth, Reggies souls are store at the same location as Booties brains so that they can be re-issued on de-mob. Mind you many Booties opt to keep the chunky watch in lieu of having the brain back.
  14. Nah, I think he was recruited to post on the grounds that he didn't have one in the first place :p
  15. Despite the flawed calcs by SgtPBand there IS a Santa Claus.

    The sad fact is that he has no childers of his own because he only comes once a year and that is down a chimbley.
  16. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Santa Claus you bastard
    Where's me fucking bike?
    I've opened up me pressies
    And there's fuck all here i like
  17. Hey Santa Claus you cnut!
    Where's me fugging pram?
    You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.
    'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand
    I'll give you fugging ho ho ho
    You forgot me fugging pram
  18. I wrote you a fcuking letter
    and come to see you twice
    You worn out geriatric fart
    You forgot me fcuking bike

    Ah Kevin Bl**dy Wilson very funny!

    Blackrat, using someone elses work is naughty,remember KGVI!!!LOL
  19. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Barney. How dare you. Me? Cheat? It's called initiative! :D

    I'm surprised you noticed to be honest. You were too busy blagging smokes off all and sundry and calling the doors hatches.
  20. Would you begrudge a smoke for a navy pensioner down and out on his luck? I am a veteran dont you know!!LOL

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