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Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Understanding Ireland
Ireland is an island west of Britain, but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland. Not the Irish mainland, but the British mainland.

The capital of Ireland is Dublin, which has a popoulation of four million people all of whom shop in Belfast and Newry, which is not part of Ireland, but still accepts euros.

Under the Irish constitution the North used to be in Ireland, but a sucessful 30 year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definatly in the UK. Had the violence gone on any longer the North might now be in Germany.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland. It has a population of about half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the North, but not the North,The South. no not the South, the North.

There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin one is called the Dial, (pronounced Doyle) an old Gaelic word meaning 'Place where banks receive taxpayers money'. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, An Anglo Saxon word meaning Placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

The respective nations are defined by the border. An imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.Protestants are in favour of the border which generates millions of pounds from smuggling for Catholics who oppose it.

Travel in the country can be complicated. It is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North gos West to avoid going South, and the one in the South gos North to avoid the cost of living.

There are two types of democracy in Ireland. The Dublin one works by holding a referendum, judging the result, and if the goverment dont like it they hold it again. They have done this twice in recent years.Belfast democracy works diffrently.It has a parliment with no opposition, so the goverment is always right. This generates envy in many world capitals,especially Dublin.

Ireland has three economies. Northern, Southern and Black. Only the Black economy is in the Black. The other two are in the Red.

The Norths biggest industry now is production of IRA's. Only one however is the real IRA. There is the Provisional IRA. the Continuity IRA, and the Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular with young graffiti writers, simply because its the easiest to spell.

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