Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden." Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!" A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52! Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish. Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef" Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor." The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th." Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."