insurance claims

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by brazenhussy, Jun 28, 2007.

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  1. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Classic clip! Here's some more (some repeated from the JC clip):

    Funny motor insurance claims

    "Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early." (thanks N Bradley)

    "I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - ack N Shepherd)

    "The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

    "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

    "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

    Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

    The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

    "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

    "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

    "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

    "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

    "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

    Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

    "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

    "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

    "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

    "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

    "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

    "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

    "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

    "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

    "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

    "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

    "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

    "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

    "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

    "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

    "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

    "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

    "I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

    "As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

    "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

    "My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

    "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

    "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

    "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

    "I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

    "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

    "The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

    "The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

    "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

    "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

    "When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

    "The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

    "No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

    "I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

    "The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

    "I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

    "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

    "My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim. (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)
  2. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Funny paternity explanations - (allegedly) from Child Support Agency (CSA) forms

    These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad their own right some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy.

    "..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."

    "..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."

    "..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."

    "..I don't know the name of my child's father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.."

    "..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."

    "..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night.."

    "..It's difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife, which was months before I got properly pregnant.."

    "..I do not know the name of my daughter's father. She was conceived at a party on [date] at [venue] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.."

    "..I remember buying the sperm at a boot market last spring but I never kept the documentation I'm afraid.."

    "..I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was taken unexpectedly from behind while being sick out of an upper-storey window. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this might help.."

    "..I cannot tell you the name of child A's father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.."

    "..From the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.."

    "..Regarding the identity of child A's father, putting two and two together and considering the time of year, it must have been when Father Christmas came down the chimney.."

    "..I do not know the identity of my baby's father. After all, when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.."

    "..That night is a blur. The only thing I remember was watching a Delia Smith programme about eggs in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party, mine might have stayed unfertilised.."

    "..He gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he'd been killed in a cement mixer accident. He was a builder and a bit stupid so I thought yes that sounds about right.."
  3. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Funny "Family Fortunes" answers

    Something you would play with in the bath: "A bazooka.."

    Someone you wouldn't swear in front of: "Yourself.."

    A country where Arabic is spoken: "Nigeria.."

    Someone or something whose existence has never been proven: "Hitler.."

    A number you might have to memorise: "Seven.."

    Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."

    Something that comes in pairs: "Rabbits.."

    A way of toasting someone: "Over a fire.."

    A Boy's name beginning with the letter J: "Gerald.."

    An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."

    A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."

    A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."

    A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."

    An animal with horns: "A bee..."

    A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."

    Something made of wool: "A sheep.."

    Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."

    Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."

    An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."

    Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."

    Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."

    A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."

    A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."

    A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
    (Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")

    Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."

    Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."

    A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."

    A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."

    A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."

    Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."

    A famous Dick: "Carrot.."

    A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."

    Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."

    Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."

    A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."

    A yellow fruit: "Orange.."

    An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."

    Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."

    A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."

    Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."

    Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."

    A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."

    Something you beat: "An apple.."

    Something associated with rain: "Water.."

    An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."

    Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."

    A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."

    A popular TV soap: "Dove.."

    Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."

    Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."

    Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."

    A fast animal: "A hippo.."

    Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."

    Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."

    A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."

    Something that has a shell: "Batman.."

    Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."

    Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."

    Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."

    A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."

    A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."

    An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."

    A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."

    An animal with big ears: "A bear.."

    Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."

    A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."

    Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."

    A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."

    Something you pull: "A potato.."

    An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."

    A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."

    A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."

    A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."

    Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.."

    A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."

    Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."

    Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."

    Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."

    A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."

    A type of record: "A floppy disk.."

    A type of large cat: "Persian.."

    A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."

    Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."

    An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."

    A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."

    Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."

    A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."

    A game played in the dark: "Charades.."

    Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."

    A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."

    A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."

    Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."

    A famous royal: "Mail.."

    Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."

    An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."

    An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."

    Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."

    A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."

    One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."

    A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."

    The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."

    Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."

    A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."

    A type of cut: "Skull.."

    A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."

    Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."

    A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."

    An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."

    Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."

    A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."

    A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.."

    An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."

    Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."

    Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."

    A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.."

    A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."

    A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eacock.."

    Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."

    Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."

    Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.."

    A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."

    Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."

    A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."

    A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.."

    A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.."

    Something red: "My cardigan.."

    A kind of ache: "Fillet-o-fish.."

    Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."

    Something with a hole in it: "A window.."

    Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."

    Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."

    A domestic animal: "A leopard.."

    Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."

    Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.."

    Something a blind man might use: "A sword.."

    The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.."

    Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."
  4. v funny ratcatcher - but you have far too much time on your hands lol. cant comment on yours brazen - cant view utube onboard lol
  5. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Hehe, thanks - I'm on leave at the moment, supposed to be sorting out my kit for my next posting [will say where when appropriate, due to OPSEC/PERSEC], but I keep getting distracted on t'internet! :wink:

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