In the style of Attenborough

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, Nov 24, 2011.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    I love animals, i really do. I'll always give a beagle one of my fags and lend a rabbit some of my misses' make up. However, they have been right cunts to me for no reason. Let me give you some examples:

    - I've been spat on by a camel and i stunk for days.

    - I've had my leg humped by a terrier and it jizzed on my trousers.

    - While carrying out a CTR one exercise, a couple of cows became curious and one shat all over me and my oppo.

    - A dead fucking bird landed slap bang on my lap on the same exercise when i was sitting under a tree having a smoke. I literally shat my pants in fright.

    - An owl took a dislike to me and kept dive bombing my head. Not very wise considering i was wearing kevlar.

    - I went to stroke my mates cat and the fucker hissed and scratched me.

    Now how does David Attenborough do it? The worse thing that has happened to him was nearly getting humped by a randy silverback. What it is with bloody animals? They've treated me like shit and i LIKE them. Anyone had anything similar happen to them for no reason?
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2011
  2. Not animals but insects for me. If it's 5mm long or less, got fangs and wings it'll have me. I was the mossies delight in the 2 weeks of summer in Faslane and all buzzing things breakfast in Kenya.

    Case in point, on a family holiday in Holland we were at a theme park. Opposite side of the road where I was standing was a gash bin full of lolly wrappers etc and a total wasp fest going on. Family went on a ride so I stood in the crowd perving the MILF's, surrounded by chocolate and ice cream covered kids and wallop! Fucking wasp got me right on the port kneecap and I could hardly walk for the next couple of hours. No other bastard got zapped, just yours truly.
  3. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Don't get me started on mossies. I got bitten so badly at Thetford this year that a blind person could have read my face.
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  4. Andros Island for a 10 week loan draft and them pesky *Doctor Flies* what live there.
    Not really in the spirit of this thread but - them little twats chomp on you through your
    clothes, and are impossible to kill. They are the Steven Segals of the insect world.
    I have battered them with boots, shoes, rolled up copies of *Hustler*, and run over
    them with RNLO AUTECS personal golf-cart, all to no avail. They just get back up off
    the road, shake themselves down and come back for more like a Celtic supporter on
    crack and Red Bull. I hated 'em.

    On a more animal friendly note: my dad kept bantam chickens in a shed in the garden
    when I was a children, and I liked them. Unfortunately the cock got out and darted under
    the shed and refused to come out. In an attempt to get him out using the yard brush, I
    knocked the shed off its brick supports....shed dropped and sort of squashed the poor
    mite. Dead as dead could be it was.

    I came running in and said that the shed had "fell down all on its own".

    Dad was right narked.........sorry dad. I feel better now and absolved of my sins.

    * * * * * *
  5. jockpopeye

    jockpopeye Badgeman Book Reviewer

    So in summation, you get animals to spit, jizz and shit on you, lapdance, give you head [sic] and scratch you.

    You masochistic beastiality pervert. I'll wager you dip your nuts in gravy and then get a St Bernard (or any woman from Plymouth) to lick it off.
  6. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    You make that sound like a bad thing.

    I was also the recipient of the effluent of a seagull which landed slap bang in the middle of my forehead. It was a shot that would have been the pride of a bomb aimer from 617 Squadron and left me looking like some kind of insane Hari Krishna who applied his face paint while having an epileptic fit.
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  7. jockpopeye

    jockpopeye Badgeman Book Reviewer

    I worked on a farm for some time and have been pissed on several time by dairy cows. Their back end has the pressure of a fire hose.

    I have also had my wellies filled with manure by the dairyman, who later left to join up as a crab, and therefore changed from being a cnut to an official cnut!

    I got my own back on all the little animal barstewards as they were rounded up on a regular basis for the little fellas to get their nuts chopped and other similarly pleasant procedures.
  8. Madagascar '59 drinking in bar with the barmaid who I was lucky enough to be reaming when,sitting on the bar stool with my legs crossed showing just enough bare skin above my socks to attract an insect who flew in,bit me,then flew out.
    Next two to three weeks I was very,very ill in sick bay temp.up to 102/3+ and then down to dangerous levels.
    Ships doc had no idea,wasn't Malaria so Feck knows.
    I recovered in time to leave port bemoaning the barmaid who was a French gold medal shagger,probably from all the Foreign Legion troops who frequented the bar and one who it seemed was the boyfriend of the barmaid.
    Looks like that insect saved my arsebig time.
  9. Seems you just attract 'em Blackers!

    Mind on the subject of ... on R&R from Gib in the days when the border was shut went over to Morrocco for a week at Freddie Pontins place he had on the beach at M'diq ... Misses decided she wanted to go for a camel ride up the beach so we paid our dosh and got loaded on one each ... must have been a slack day as the mahout had nothing else to do so walked us a good mile up the beach but on the return journey he tossed me the rope tied around the things nose ... at which point the damn thing started to leg it at the speed of many antelope back up the beach to its nosh bag which had been left laying where we started ... no steering ... no brakes ... and its a fucking long way up! My Misses was pissing herself laughing at the sight of me being carted off on top of this smelly lice ridden humpy backed bastard!

    Revenge however was sweet ... during a visit to Knaresborough Zoo the Misses decided to go pat the Llama ... which took one long look at her ... snorted one up and lobbed a green dockyard oyster at her the size of a cricket ball ... Oh how I laughed ... we got divorced soon after! Never did go back to thank the Llama!
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  10. I was attacked by a black cat, after a struggle I managed to get the bugger by the throat and throttled the life out of it then threw its limp carcass out of the scuttle.
  11. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    You should have skinned it, eaten the meat and made a fetching hat out of the pelt.
  12. I should have but it happened before I had read Lofty Wiseman's survival manual. ^_~
  13. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Now there's a man who knows how to treat wildlife.
  14. Not long ago I was forced to cull a grey tree rat with the .22 BSA that had developed the knack of lifting off our dusbin lid, Mrs F went bersequack when she came in as I was pulling it's guts out in the kitchen sink, it never made it too the oven.

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