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I'm starting Monday......


War Hero
She says, about the next diet. So, why oh why do the girlies say they are going to start a diet on such and such a day/date, then spend the remaining time to 'D-Day' eating more than their already considerable body weight?

While in the Glasgow area this last week, SWMBO was surprised to see steak and kidney pies at the chippy being deep fried - duh, that's why they stand them upside down on the hot shelf - to let SOME of the excess fat run out!

She still ate it though.

So, roll on Monday......

But why do they do/say it?


War Hero
This is why i don't diet but try and eat healthily, the week before turns into some calorific freefall involving food i would never usually be tempted by and then the feeling of failure which leads further into the well of chocolate and chips. I don't think us ladies know why we do it, although i think as we genuinely feel we are going to succeed on said diet and want to sample the goods before they leave us. Diets are bad m'kay.


Witsend, now then laddie did you conjure up this latest naughtiness of duplicating my posts and conversations with you all on your own, or did you have input from the other 2 members of the Drones Club, I suspect it was the latter? Yo ho he ha.

SB, deep fried properly I hope, in lard.


Funny thing that, when I am on one of my diets; again I never get the answer I wish for from Mrs Wits.

Me - How do I look?
Mrs Wits - Fine.
Me - Do you think I've lost weight?
Mrs Wits - Naw.
Me - Bastard!

There sweetie fixed that for you.
Last edited:
Or...I'm on a diet sweetie, do think my arse looks big in these black stretchie pants dear?

Dear: Why blame the pants?

Fuck off!


War Hero
I find that I can't criticise my wife's dieting, due to fact that Iam also rotund, therefore to slag my soul mate's desire to be slimmer is frankly misogynistic, and deeply hypocritical. But I do harbour the insane desire to shout at her despondent grid, " lose some fucking weight and I'll delete your slim friends from the wank bank".
Chubby Brad Pitt


War Hero
Book Reviewer
SPB, QM on board HMS xxxx, somewhere hot, 20xx, 1600L. It was a Wednesday. Wren xxxx, Duty Comms Rating on the Bridge. She had been trying to lose weight all deployment in order to a:) impress her boyfriend who was flying out to meet her during stand off*, and b:) fit into her tropics.

Wren xxxx appears on watch sporting her snug white shorts and shirt, looking very pleased with herself. She swans around in her (self-perceived) awesomeness and beauty, fishing for compliments. She made the fatal error of turning to me for a response. "I've lost loads of weight, SPB. I've finally managed to fit into these shorts! Do you think my arse look big in them..?"

"Of course not, love," is what I should've said. But I then heard the sound of the voices in my head as I replied: ", but they take the attention away from your face."

At this point the young BM sprayed his brew across his lookout binos and the inside of the Bridge window while said OM(C) waltzed off in a huff, red-faced, to the Starboard side of the Bridge and I received the inevitable stern reprimand from the OOW. Who was a female Lt, on exchange from Oz. And ginger. And probably jealous of her "pert" [sic] butt.

That was the quietest set of Dogs I've ever had on the Bridge. In every sense of the word.

* - Arriving for stand off in Mombers some weeks later, Wren xxxx - who had been telling all and sundry that she never shagged matelots because we were all stinking filthy pigdogs and her heart belonged to her betrothed - ended up getting all night in with a Stoker in some shitty hotel after a night on the lash. While on the Gangway (QM again!) I saw a magnificent demonstration of the difference between men and women when it comes to conquests: he arrived back on board at 0715, stood at the top of the Gangway and punched the air, wearing a smug grin on his face (dit value, and all that). She - who had been waiting behind the skip so they didn't return on board together so "nobody would know they had spent the night together" tried to sneak up the Gangway with the same shameful, shellshocked look of someone who has just seen a tramp taking a steaming dump in their bowl cornflakes. 'Pride' and 'dit value' were not high on her agenda that morning...


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Saturday, 20xx, SPB in Lakeside Shopping Centre with ex-Mrs SPB. Having lost the will to live as we walked from one end to the other find the "perfect dress" - trust me girls, we don't care. They all look the same when they're laying in a heap on the bedroom floor.

Anyway, having returned to a shop we had already been to before (more than once) she picks out a dress that is apparently a bargain. So much of a bargain that it was the only one left on the rail and nobody else wanted to buy it. She takes it to the changing room while I sit in the Man Creche outside. After a few minutes of huffing and puffing from behind the curtain, she pops out and tries desperately to adopt a seductive posture.

"I really like it, but it doesn't quite fit - a 10 is usually okay on me in this shop," she claims. Once again, I hear the voice of my twisted half-brother in head: "The DRESS is a 10. YOU are a 14."

We didn't stop for the 2-for-1 deal at Pizza Hut on the way home... :shock:

MG Maniac

War Hero
I wish you would keep that twisted half brother of your under control ... the [email protected] keeps talking to me too ... especially when on a shop-ex with Ghengis Khan (aka 'er indoors) .... still on the good side of things ... at least it makes for a quiet ride home in the car ... and the evening ... and guess I'm cooking my own tea again tonight!


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Any ladies concerned about their weight please PM me, and i'll give you details about my diet camp. Ok, you don't see the sun a lot but you do get plenty of protein shakes.
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