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If you're gonna fcuk up, go big.

So there I was, mooching around port in the queue of trucks waiting to off load my trees. Its 6 am, I'm ever so slightly hung over, cold, wet and still covered in mud from getting loaded. I've already done a couple of hours work and am staring down the barrel of 12 more. The days work is shifting because of snow and ice issues up with the bush gangs where we go and get logs to haul. There's a new bloke on the radio in the despatch department, he's only been with the company 5 minutes but has connections so has a plum office job, he's not overly liked.

Because of weather conditions trucks are getting diverted from their planned jobs and sent to bush gangs that are still accessible, fair enough really but, still getting fcuked about by despatch. A driver from another log haul company who I've known for a while and is nicknamed Turtle because he's so bloody slow pulls up next to me in the queue, the conversation goes a bit like this.......

Turtle. " Hello Blobbs, how's it going?"
Blobbs. " Great, you doing alright?"
Turtle. " Fine thanks, hey, what do you think of your new dispatcher?"
Blobbs. " He's an irritating cnut, why?"
Turtle. "he's my son in law"
Blobbs..... 8O
Turtle..." well"
Blobbs... :oops:

What the fcuk do you say? "Ha ha only joking" when everyone knows your not or " Ah well, sorry mate you asked"

Fcuk it was awkward but, hey, they'll get over it. So come on cough up, it aint just me that fcuks up, what have you lot done?


War Hero
In the local of my old hometown when I was 19, there used to be a chap who I'd talk to every Saturday lunchtime when I was home on leave, and regale him with my tales of daring do and debauchery abroad.
His missus used to park him in the pub while she shopped. Very posh and well off.
Anyway, we are chatting away and he asks " So have you "trapped" any young lady this leave period",
Me, "Well I met a lovely young lady last night, absolute stunner, she's invited me to her 18th birthday party next week, but she had to leave early cos her old man is an arseole. I've arranged to meet her in here for a DTS"
Him " Oh well best of luck, be nice to "trap" an English girl for a change".

We continue chatting, 10 mins later in walks, said stunner, "Hello Spider..oh hello Dad, 8O 8O 8O 8O 8O

He never spoke to me again, he even banned me from his daughters 18th birthday party. :roll:


Lantern Swinger
Front desk in Drake Upo early 90's. Already losing hair at a rapid rate of knots so always had it cropped. In walks a PO mid 20's, bald as a coot.

"Same barber as me mate", jokes I. The reply......

"Not really, - Leukemia, just come to do my discharge".

Helping an old chap onto the back of the ambulance along with a young piece with him. My oppo turns to her and says ' You looking after grandad today then?'
She replies' No, he's my husband'
The ground didn't open up and swallow him but he hoped it had done.


War Hero
On the Brave Swordsman in Cuxhaven harbour,the sailors from the German E-Boats asked to come on board for a piss up.
We knew they had free German champagne as well as a bottle of Scotch issued every month.
On they came and we all ended up pissed.
The EM who ran the small film projector was sick so I said I'd put one on.
I wasn't sure how to work it but I picked a reel out,threaded it and started the film.
It was a British war film with Tommies mowing down Germans by the score,like 50 with a short burst of a Sten!
After a while when my eyed focussed I could see the Germans weren't to pleased at my choice of film.
I switched off and apologised before they upped and away with their booze.
They said it was ok but I made a cockup with that film.
They gave us a bottle of Scotch for every badge we had and we spent a while unpicking our uniform badges ASAP.
They were good companions for a piss up,didn't say my old man still has some German bullets in him though!
I was due to be married in my hometown but had been going out of watch with this lovely little 18 year old in guzz. I was meeting her in Jesters every wednesday night when the ship was alongside in guzz and then going back to her place and slipping it in the mouse's ear.

This was going on for about a year and then at xmas I was doing xmas duties (HQ1 killick) and she rings the ship and tells me she's pregnant!!!! I said "you can't be, I'm getting married in five months!!!"

To cut a long story short, we deployed on STANAVFORMED for four months about two weeks later and when I got back i got married. Standing at the alter absolutely shitting myself that she was gonna walk through the church door at any moment lol

Anyway, a year later, after managing to keep it quiet from my wife, the guzz bird's mum rings her and says "do you realise your husband has got a one year old son in plymouth" the shit hit the fan and the rest is history.

BTW, my son will be twelve in August and i've told him he IS joining the mob lol


War Hero
Whale Island, back in '71, in the whaley club. I walks in after 12 months absence, and sees a bloke I knew last time there, when I was ships company.
I went over to him and as I approach I see him skeging a party on the dance floor we both knew when I was there.
I casually said to him, " Friggin hell she still about"?
"I fucked her in a b&b in Bishops Waltham."
Oh right he said, I married her in the church there. :oops: :oops: :oops:


When I was a young man growing up, I was bought a new "Suit" so I went out with my mates for our Sunday walk, to the local Park, on the way home I went in a local (Stinking little toilet) next to the park, where all the local Alchoholcis congregated, The place was Fugging evil, and stank, I removed my jacket and held it across my knees, slipped off my bracers and dropped my Trousers and sat down for said Crapp which was in fact very watery, It came out of me like a fugging Porsche, . I cleaned up as best as I could in very wet Toilet paper, and then stood up. Thenj i realised my bracers, and shirt tails were "Down the Pan", and Id Crapped over the lot , The action of my thumbs running the bracers back up over my shoulders, only accelerated the shit up my back and over my hair,When I got home my Mother went Fugging mental, and i was sent to bed with No Tea. That was my 14th Birthday, a day that has never left my memory, and now at 73 I decided to get it "off my chest" Those were the days my friend I can chuckle now But ........... Greenhat


War Hero
Quite a few years ago two lads about 12/14 ish were killed on a bridge in Tamworth by a twat who was pissed. He came over the hump bridge at speed, lost steering and hit them, pinning both to a concrete fence and actually decapitating one of them.
Then the gutless piece of flotsam legged it, hiding in a field for three days.
When he returned to face the music, because there was no proof (physical) of him being drunk, he was charged with dangerous driving and leaving the scene of an accident.
He got a three year suspended sentence.
When my sister in law moved into the street that he and his parents lived in, I enquired of her neighbour if that filthy murdering piece of shite still lived at number so and so.
No she replied he lives here, I married him. :oops:

The codicil on this is I had to follow it through, as I would not back down, but friggin hell its hard to blag it through when you have just stuck both your feet in your gob, even when your right.


War Hero
Day one as new Coxswain at Oxbridge URNU to new Lt Cdr boss.

Me: "Don't even know why there's an URNU here. I mean, who in their right mind, with an Oxbridge degree, brain the size of a planet, is going to bother their arse joining the Navy?"

Boss: "Erm, well actually..."


War Hero
Working at Mr kiplings on the mince/pie line moving the vats, 3/4 of a tonne, around by foklift/pallet truck.

One morning the lift that gets the ingredients to the mixing/cooking room is broken so the foreman says after your tea break take the pallets of ingredients round to the other lift at the other side of the plant.

Comeback from standeasy and the plant manager starts haveing a hissy fit, screaming and shouting at me for not having done it already, tried to explain but to no avail.

When she`d gone I said to the Forklift Foreman "Whats up with that sour faced viniger drinking bitch, did she get out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?" him being the one that had detailed me off.

The reply was "You better be careful what you say if you dont want your fcuking head ripped off , thats my other half."

I reevaluated my need for the job and decided that if she wanted the stuff moved she could do it her self , and walked. Started at StenaSeaLink the following morning, more money ,easier, shorter hoursand closer to home.


War Hero
Super Moderator
Working down the boat I was told a contractor was coming down to give a hand. Turned out it was a bloke I'd had a boat with and knew well. Usual dits about being a civvy and moaning about pay etc.

Me: At least your Mrs will be happy your home and not bleating about you being away all the time.

Him: I doubt it, she died of cancer 6 months ago.

Strained silence ensued as I looked for the big hole to come and swallow me up :oops:
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