I Wanna Smoke

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by UncleAlbert, Feb 13, 2006.

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  1. After March anyone serving in her Britannic Majesties Imperial Royal Navy has got to sit in reception if they want a smoke.
    Well let me tell ya.

    I packed up smoking about 5 years ago and I HATE IT !!

    I’ve tried everything to start again, when after some politically correct bad advice from the mamby pamby pontificating smug assed bastards in our society that try to control our every action I, like a pratt, gave up.

    Since black friday, and I can tell you exactly when, er sometime during 2000, when I ran out of smokes and money I haven’t had one since. And I have never, and I mean NEVER, been well from that day to this.

    I’ve tried everything to get going again but there’s no agency or organization to help, so I was on my own, but I left it to late and they taste orrible now, like someone stuffin a sweaty sock in you mouth. I always go outside with the smokers on my lunch break, the lucky bleeders, they don’t know what it’s like to be on edge and smile at customers when all the time you’re longing to TEAR THEIR FUCKIN THROATS OUT. First I knew I was in trouble was I put 2 stone on, “where’s all the money we`re saving by me sufferin?†I demanded, all she said was, “turn sideways and look in the mirror FATSO.

    So off I went to see my friendly family doctor, what a waste of bleedin time that was after being stuck behind some ole silverball that was driving well below the speed limit and then having to pay 2 quid to park the car, then nearly coming to blows with the receptionist when she let someone in in front of me (how the hell was I expected to know it was the doctor), then the first thing he said was “do you smoke†DO YOU SMOKE, I smiled sweetly and said “no not anymoreâ€, all the time wanting to drag him across the desk by the scruff of his scrawny neck, of cause that was him buggered wasn`t it, I mean they only know, Do you smoke and Do you drink, don`t they and it seems they know nothing beyond that, well I`ve got news for all you supposedly intelligent doctors out there SOME OF US CAN`T SMOKE so can we try to be a little more understanding.

    Anyway he gave me some slimmin pills and rang for his next victim.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you, bleedin thank you very much, British National Health and scrawny(do you smoke) in your face doctor for achieving something that, 12 long years in the Navy, the 3 day week, surviving Thatcher and living for what seems like forever in a living hell under a Labour government, failed to do, namely, losing me the will to live, see it wasn`t long before I found them pills work by giving you the sqits, reducing me to a shambling wreck who could never venture more than 20 paces from a lavatory.

    Did the pills work? DID THEY BOLLOCKS, well they didn`t stand much of a chance with all the wimmin in our house pinchin erm,
    mind you, er.. they did cure my cough.
     
  2. Ah that will be Xenical then.Not the best of products given the side effects.Try one of the Nicotine patches,it will give you a wee dose of Nicotine without the ttaste.The other way is to get shit faced and have a fag.You wont taste it if youve drunk enough.
     
  3. Quality rant :D
     
  4. Right first time Andy you obviously know your stuff.

    Above rant was of course all tongue in cheek, the fact is I packed up a long time ago and it was probably one of the best things I`ve ever done. I found it easy but I know a lot that have found it very difficult.
     
  5. LOL,i am a Legal Drug Dealer for my sins.We get to hear about all the great side effects of Drugs before they get to Market!LOL
    Youd never take any if only you knew!PMSL!
     
  6. Chaps, do me a favour and mask your swearing please ie: fcukin or bas*ards.

    This is not because I am a namby pamby leftie treehugger, or because my 10 month old daughter might catch on. It's purely for selfish reasons brought on by the fact I work within a civvy organisation that has the swear filter from heaven. And it will stop me being able to read the posts! I need something to pass the time :)

    UncleAlbert..quality, I'm having a cigarette for you now in sympathy.
     
  7. Quality post! tea all over the monitor!

    Rincewind
     
  8. Rince i have a product for your unstoppable fluid emissions as well!LOL
     
  9. I used to work for a well know drug manufacturing company and agree. If you read all those little bits of paper that come with the medication, you'd never use them. Stopped my missus from using one type and 2 years later they were pulled from the market because of adverse side affects
     
  10. Uncle Alby that dit was the biz :D :D


    Can't have a fag for laughing
     
  11. Brilliant uncle albert - tearing off the patches now.

    You've given me the strength to be socially unnaceptable, turned down by women and lectured to by the medics all over again!

    I feel like a new man (and a smoke...)
     
  12. Bring back "Blue Liners" and tins of RN Pipe Tobacco is what I say
     
  13. That's OK then. Start smoking, and make the most of it for a year when they ban it everywhere! I think we have a dispensation at sea (home/workplace) but I don't know how Messes ashore are going to cope if they ban it in private clubs. Won't be long before they stop the NAAFI selling it (funny how they don't sell chewing gum at sea which the Dentist will recommend you use, but they will sell cigarettes....?!)
     
  14. I have a book from 1889,The Family Physician and it heartily reccomends a good smoke to settle the nerves and stomach after a 15 course Breakfast.Somke on dudes!
     
  15. I once asked a new girlfriend if she smoked after having sex.

    “Dunno†she said, “I`ve never lookedâ€
     

  16. PMSL,its the smell of burning rubber that turns my stomach! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  17. Tryed quittin 4 times in the last 3 months. i think my major downfall was the 1st time was at the beginning of bost, 2nd near the end and the 3rd in defence watches doin jmc (finish this b*ll*cks tomorrow). never a good time really. and the naafi don't make it easier by selling baccy at low low euro prices. right, i'm goin for a tab...
     
  18. You've got to want to stop, or it's a total waste of time trying.

    If you're only trying to quit because you think you'd better, don't bother!
     
  19. If you want to smoke, fuck off down a coal mine.

    Oops, none of them either.
     

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