I Stink, Therefore I Am....

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, Nov 11, 2009.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    I have to travel on the underground quite often and to be honest, this is a real pain in the ricker at times, what with the hordes trying to squeeze themselves onto a carriage which even the SS would consider inhumane.

    Yesterday, i was on the Jubilee Line and in a bit of a state. This was mainly due to a mixture of Guiness, London Pride, Amstel, Port & Rum on Remembrance day (many thanks to the 6ft 4 bootie who insisted on toasting everyone you can think of in a Military capacity since the Wars of the Roses to the present day. I think Napoleon even got a toast drunk to him). Anyway, i'm on the train and i've got a mahoosive build up of wind which just had to be released. Clenching my cheeks so my ring was as tight as Dizzie Gillespie's lips before a mad trumpet solo, i let rip a fart as silent as a ninja on a mission for his boss. I was quite surprised that it took approximately ten seconds for said wind to escape my body. After five or so seconds, i got a whiff of something that could only be described as a tramps corpse left out in the sun for too long. It was that bad, even i was appalled.

    As the carriage was extremely packed, the stench could not be (luckily for me) pinned down to one culprit. I looked at the man opposite me and pulled a face as if to say "What dirty bastard did that?" I kid you not, there were tears in his eyes. It looked like he was in a CS chamber and escape was impossible. I knew i had hit gold when i could hear someone coughing behind me, as obviously the mustard agent i had produced had gone down their throat.

    Luckily, i got off at the next stop and had the pleasure of watching people get on the same carriage, get a whiff but could not exit as the doors shut them firmly in their own private hell. I have to admit, it gave me the giggles.

    Anyone else done anything similar?
  2. wet_blobby

    wet_blobby War Hero Moderator

    I was on my one and only visit to New York, was with a ex Black watch fella so we hit the bars then sobered up and did the tourist thing.

    Went to the Empire state building, now that is seriously tall. We got into a lift with a load of boxheads and headed up, well, I was suffering a bit from the previous evenings drinking and had to drop my guts. It fcuking stank. There was nowhere to hide, especially with a pissed of jock stood next to me saying " yura durtee wee fcuuker ye ar"

    Thankfully the lift only goes up halfway before you've got to change to another one, I knew the Germans didn't like us that much but, by God they cant half do evil stares.
  3. I dropped my guts on my front deck(Wooden structure bolted onto house to get full benefit of awesome Otago summers.) last time Blobbs and our tame WAFU Oppo came round and you'd have thought I'd asked to roger their daughters with the fuss they made about the, it must be admitted, God awful stench.
    It still brings a smile to my dial as I write this.
  4. POS once farted (I think he had been eating fried onions) in the car, at a level crossing, promptly locked the windows and we were trapped there for the passing of four trains. He thought it vastly amusing, as stokers are want to do, that I could not breathe and I would not leave the car for fear that he would drive off an leave me at Bedhampton.

    T42Stoker - yes you lad - this really is not funny at all, so stop giggling.
  5. Oh Rosie, you know me too well.... :lol:
  6. Ah the Germans have a thing about gas, and not liking their own medicine. :D
  7. rosinacarley. Clearly, there are few fates worse than being left in Bedhampton!
  8. I spent a little of my time in the Andrew as the personal driver of a senior officer who was not only a four ring captain, but also a multi millionaire, anyone who served on the Dev(Spidiver) your bro will know who I mean.
    Anyway I took him to London from Plymouth, and had to drop him at Ministry. As we had stopped for lunch on the way(rich food very posh, don't ya know) I was feeling a little like a crap might be on the forthcoming agenda. The night before I had had a steak and kidney pie, after consuming a few pints of guinness.
    Anyway I dropped him off, and sat looking at an A-Z to find my way towards the M1 as I now had three days and the car to myself. Oh how I wished I had moved at least a block. As I sat studying the map I cracked off one I had been holding back whilst sir was in the car.
    It was like a mixture of the smell emulating from the toilets in Bugis street and a Bombay sewer, with the added aroma of day old digested gravy. The fcukin car reeked and as I was alongside the curb I kept the window shut least any passer by became overcome by fumes.
    Suddenly the back door opens, there stands the skipper with a gorgeous young chick and states "Ah ........... I'm glad I caught you run my daughter up to the top of edgware before you go....................
    He shut the door as the terrible stink assailed his nostrils, glared at me and from a distance shouted to come back in twenty minutes. 8O :twisted:
  9. Always best to drop your guts in the Fwd airlock and gas all the back afties coming off watch :lol:
  10. This can have serious repercussions, as it is possible innocent folks can be hurt.
    I know of an instance where a foul boweled jack dusty dropped his guts in the Focsul locker during a RAS, (we were sheltering from goffers as we approached the RFA) Anyway the smell was so foul and pungent it found its way into some of our pay books and stifled our next of kin. :roll: :cry: :D
  11. Well I know that silly, but I live four miles away in Waterlooville! And it was raining.
  12. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Not really in the same vein but on the tube tonight was a tramp who had an odour akin to flayed skunk, unwashed genitalia and foul smelling shite. Needless to say, there was an exclusion zone around him not unlike the one around the Falklands back in the day. I'm gagging just thinking about it. However, i was impressed that his toe was poking out of his shoe but i had to wonder if he had an oyster card or bunked his fare. He had bits of roadkill in his beard as well.
  13. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    Tales from the tube. Its like looking into your future?
  14. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    My aim is to turn out like that Harry Ramp. It's for winners.
  15. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    Hmmmm, I don't know?

    Is it a life to be sniffed at, free to come and go. No tie's and with only one goal! I have to agree, winner who never remembers the last sunset.
  16. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    A bit like being a young squaddie in Germany in the early nineties! :eek:ccasion5:
  17. Reminds me of a trip home from Faro when you get on them buses squashed in like sardines.
    Well on the way to the plane I had this bad feeling in the lower gut. Then I nearly shit my pants.
    One women shrieked ....What is that.....Another said ..Arr You can taste it. On that I just roared with
    laughter. Evil looks from all aboard ..Esp from my good lady. :pukeleft:

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