I have questions!

Discussion in 'The Gash Barge' started by janner, Sep 3, 2013.

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  1. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

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    Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?












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    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
















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    Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
    Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?


    If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?













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    If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

    If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
    , then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
    If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'













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    What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?













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    Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

    Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

    If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?













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    Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

    Why
    do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

    Why
    is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

    Why
    do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

    Why
    doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Why
    does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

    Why
    did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Whose
    cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

    If people evolved from apes,
    why are there still apes?

    Why
    is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

    Is there ever a day that mattresses are
    not on sale?

    Why
    do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    Why
    do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

    Why
    is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?

    How
    do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so;
    why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That really hurt you dumb sh*t,why don't you watch where you're going?"

    Why
    is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

    Why
    , in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    How come
    you never hear father-in-law jokes?




















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  2. Janner .... You obviously have too much time on your hands!
     
    • Like Like x 2
  3. Or he just received a 'if you don't forward this to all your friends your hair will fall out' type e-mail.
     
  4. So why did he post it on here then?:kermit:
     
  5. wal

    wal Badgeman

    Diarrhoea, Colour.

    Janner when you copy and paste please check the septic spellings.


    Is this skimmer being unfair to a sun dodger?:party:
     
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Not really. Janner can't read, he only enters the book competitions 'cos he's trying to trap the granny who works in the local charity shop ;)
     
  7. Why does a woman's fart always smell worse than a mans?
     
  8. Dunno, but it still gives me a stiffy.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  9. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Bugger rumbled.
     
  10. This thread is sheer porn!
     
  11. And you are the star????:icon_smile:
     
  12. Why does your knob shrink when you're swimming in r-e-a-l-l-y cold water, but womens nipples turn into council-house chimney pots then?
    Should be the other way round...then you wouldn't be able to get me out of the North Sea from September until the sun came back out.
     
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  13. If she's sat on your face, I'd put it down to proximity.
     
  14. Where did the term "Bollocking" come from? e.g. "My boss gave me a right bollocking today".
     
  15. Did anyone ever win the 'spot the ball' things that the woman came round every week to do?
     
  16. One place I was at someone bought a stamp the size of a gnats arse with a zillion x's on it, you stamped this on the photo where you thought the ball may be, we won a few quid for a near miss, but to win lots the x had to be in the exact centre of the ball so I'd guess not many won.
     
  17. Thats the one! A lady used to come to the house with ours and every week i would get to chose where to put the x as my brothers were losers and had already started school. Never won though, was my first foray into the harsh reality of disapointment :(
     
  18. Couldn't you apply that question to any word or phrase in existence?
     
  19. From some site
    "To give a bollocking" - to tell somebody off? Actually heard it is derived from an act of violence! The ballock or bollock dagger (so called because is resembled the said genitalia - google the image)was a common weapon in medieval times, when you stabbed somebody with the knife you "gave them a ballacking/bollocking!". Hope it's true becuase it sounds superb!

    None of the above is mine
     
  20. Sadly not.
     

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