I Don't Understand Women!

Discussion in 'The Gash Barge' started by seafarer1939, Feb 20, 2012.

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  1. My wife likes to knit on a morning in bed as she wakes early,this morning she must have mislaid a knitting needle.
    I rolled over and it stuck in my shoulder! out came the blood I called her over and exclaimed"My treasure I think you have made a slight error" or something like that!
    She replied "They were clean sheets you know!"
    And women wonder why men go to the pub a lot!
    I don't understand the female race!Period!
    • Like Like x 3
  2. Its quite clear from a female view.

    1. You impale yourself on HER knitting needle, which will now need cleaning (no doubt by your good lady) before she can continue knitting, she could drop a stitch!

    2. The clean sheets, will also need changing, by the poor woman, before she can sleep in them, after YOU get them dirty.....if you'd just got out of bed, you wouldn't have made a mess.

    3. When you married her, you need to realise that you got her, she only got you. :-D
    • Like Like x 1
  3. How cruel is a barb like that! my magnificent body now has a scar! I'll have to wait until it heals then pass it off in the pub as a bayonet wound I prefer not to talk about!
    And it's not the only time the sheets have been messed up,no complaints then is there?
    Women are fickle but necessary, sometimes!:naka:
    • Like Like x 1
  4. I instantly recognised the problem you face, but relax I have a solution at hand.

    The first part of the remedy is instant, just buy a single bed and make her sleep in that.
    You need to have either a voice pipe or the now more preferred intercom set installed to her part of ship.
    She is then barred from your room except for cleaning duties on a day to day basis.
    Should you wish to favour her with your sexual attentions, then you have the communication infrastructure readily available.
    I being a sensitive person realise that this would not be a workable solution in a caravan with just the one living space so I gave the war office the choice of an awning or a small tent.
    When I buy another property I will let her have her own section of the house,............... the servants quarters.
  5. Late Tuesday night .

    Act One. Scene One.

    Wife (Grouchingly) "You were snoring and you woke me up!"
    Me (Accurately) "No dearest - you were snoring and you woke YOURSELF up"
    Wife (Loudly) "I DON'T SNORE"
    Me (Honestly) "I'm afraid you do dear..."
    Wife (Accusingly) "Why do you always snore and wake me up when I'm asleep?"
    Me (Informatively) "YOU were asleep. YOU snored. YOU woke yourself up.....end of"
    Wife (Narkedly) "Get out and go and kip in the other room then!"
    Me (Wide awakedly) "I'm watching Trial and Retribution III - it'll be finished in three hours...."

    (Editors note:- It was at this juncture that I got up for a piss and as I reached the end of the
    bed, the Virgin Television Universal Remote Control smacked into my face).

    Wife (Apologetically) "That was an accident - it wasn't supposed to actually hit you....."

    I have now been in the spare bedroom for three nights.....bliss, sheer bliss.

  6. 4, she probably lost count too. fatal fucking mistake you nincumpoop!!
  7. She may have lost count of the stitches, but she will not have lost of your every appearance at her Defaulters Table.

    Did she find the dropped stitch?

  8. Ahh ... managed to overcome the fuckoffandsleepinthesparebed malarky! ... When one is awoken with the elbow in the ribs toghter with a whispered "shhh" ... Proceed to snore even louder! At which point the nagging machine normally gets her arse up and takes herself off to sleep in the spare bed .... at which point I play starfish and relaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  9. I was talking to a rather aged gentleman the other day who remarked: 'Remember, that all women are mad. They just go through differing stages of madness. Best stay single and just go pay £50 a week instead ....'
    • Like Like x 1
  10. I didn't know we had to understand them as well.

    They never tell us anything!!!!!
  11. Smart gentleman! Its true, they are all mad.
  12. Women aint wired up right,
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  13. Mine tells me loads, it's my responses (if any) that seem to cause the problems (or so she says).
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  14. There isn't a man born yet that can understand a woman!!!!! Ps had to smile to myself many moons ago, when talking to a very old timer in the pub. He said to me Dave I will be alright when I go to heaven!!! I said WHY????? Reply because GOD Won't allow any of those bad b******s up stairs!!!!
    • Like Like x 1
  15. And they're dirty bastards! My one brushes her hair over the kitchen floor, it tiled and theoretically she can brush the loose bits of her ex-being up.

    Well one day I notices some hair sticking out from under the door. So me... being the clean fella I am... bend down and pull what I think are a few stray hairs my loved one has over-looked. Bless her as she has a full day of cooking, cleaning and child rearing.

    So I wasn't expecting the fecking monster that crawled out after the stray hair! It was like a draught excluder made of her hairs!!! It's one of the most fecking disgusting things I've ever had the misfortune to focus two eyes on!

    I'll tell ya, when I go to preform my male duties, It's hard to shake that vision from my mind! It's hard to connect the lovely lady with 'The Thing!' she feeds that lives under the kitchen door!
    • Like Like x 1
  16. Count your blessings.....
    A) She could have worse habits than knitting in bed.
    B) At least you didn't drip blood all over the actual handiwork !
  17. No man does so get used to it.

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