Lantern Swinger
Subject: Hurricane Shazza hits Essex

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on
the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its
epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly,
muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals
were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that
hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still
trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had
happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said,
"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into
my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the
next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and
carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:

>Fila or Burberry baseball caps
>Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White
>sport socks Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark.
>Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl,
"woss that gotta do wiv you?


War Hero
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and
carried on as normal

Many a true word etc. These days I get the feeling that if a person faints or is hurt in an accident many of those giving aid would most likely go through the pockets or bag to see what can be stolen.'fraid I have become very cynical from many of the things I have seen, poor old buggers robbed and bashed as well as any vulnerable person attacked. Should get tough like Singas, that is a very safe place I understand,



Lantern Swinger
The reply from Hobbit promted an old memory.
My Dad,who was in the spirit trade had an independant stock taker/contoller called Walter who worked in many pubs around Glasgow and to the North. He had lost an eye in a motoring accident and told me the story. Apparently he was outside Glasgow travelling to a hotel. It was out in the country and he was not used to the road. He turned into a bend, lost control, left the road and rolled the motor into a field. It was a quiet country road , he was trapped in the car, and in his words thought he would copp it. About half an hour into this, he sees a pair of feet approaching the motor. A hand appeared into the window, stole his watch, wedding ring and wallet then disappeared. Who ever done this at least had the decency to call for assitance. This happened well over thirty-five years ago.
Charming!!!!! :(