How To Simulate Navy Shipboard Life At Home

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by The_Jimmy, Oct 13, 2008.

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  1. I thought that some of the old salts like scouse among us might like to recreate that old feeling!


    Sleep on the shelf in your wardrobe.

    Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking hair and rock as hard as you can until you vomit.

    Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "high."

    Leave lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper background noise level.

    Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

    Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow to sit for 5 or 6 hours before serving.

    Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

    Invite over 100 people to come and visit for a couple of months.

    Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or
    hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.


    and on that note its goodnight from him :thumright:
     
  2. Sure this has been done before but it'a good'un so here goes:

    Fit your shower head so that the water comes out at 90 degrees to the floor and mount it at waist height. Don't forget to shout water on/off obviously.

    Spend 4 hours a night staring through you living room window with a pair of binos. Occasionally, shake your wife to tell her about passing cars.

    Replace all internal floor covering with lino- so that when not staring through the window you can pass the small hours of the morning polishing. The next night, remove all the layers of polish and repeat.

    Keep all your drink in a locked fridge under the stairs. Daily, draw the key from your wife with great ceremony, take two cans and hide them behind a bookcase/in the loft/under the floorboards. Repeat for month or two, then, the night before you go on holiday, drink the lot after midnight. When your wife comes downstairs to find you sitting in a puddle of your own vomit and surrounded by broken furniture/chinagraph pencil up the walls, grin drunkenly and say "Channel Night."
     
  3. Every night, write out a list of things you would like your family to do the following day. Wait until just before they go to bed to issue them with said list and then change everything on it without telling anyone. In the morning you can then do the wall of death when nobody has a clue what it is they're supposed to be doing.
     
  4. Noooooooooooooooo! Now Scousey being a Wafooooooo would surely have slightly different experiences...

    Woken every morning (except Sundays) at 0900 by baby Wafoo and handed a mug of hot tea and some toast. Baby Wafoo arrives 20 minutes later with freshly dhobied and corrrectly creased No.8s (or, er 4s :roll: ) which are laid on on their freshly made bunks (beds made by B/W). B/W repairs to shower suite to wash the backs of the wafoos in his oilskins and a bright yellow souwester (so they can see him).

    1100-1200 Work

    1200-1400 Scran (Dinner)

    1400-1600 Compulsory afternoon catnap (Make and mend)

    1600-1700 More work

    1700-1900 Scran (High Tea: cakes and sarnies)

    1900-2100 TV/DVD

    2100-2230 Tinnies......

    2230 BED!

    On Sundays B/W wakes wafoos at 1100, runs their baths and serves their coffee and muffins on the bath tray. After breakfast they turn in to recover from Saturday night.

    Throughtout the day the sound of aircraft engines and helicopter blades whirring punctuate an otherwise peaceful day, during work hours ONLY. :biggrin:
     
  5. Buy an Army-surplus headset and superglu it to the washing machine. Every Thursay morning stand in front of the washing macine with the headset on. Say to nobody "Washing machine closed up." Stand there for 4 hours then say "Washing machine secure.". Remove headset and return to normal life.

    Keep 8 bags of gash in your bathroom.

    Paint the heel of your left slippewr red and the right one green. Get your kids to hide the slippers then wander round the house for hours shouting "Where the feck are my bats!"
     

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