How to simulate life in the Navy

Discussion in 'History' started by John854, Jun 23, 2006.

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  1. 1. Buy a skip, paint it gray and live in it for six months straight.

    2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

    3. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the worst part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay a fiver per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

    4. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

    5. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesdays and Thursdays turn in down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

    6. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

    7. Have your next door neighbour come over each day at 5 a.m. and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Wakey, Wakey rise and shine."

    8. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, board up all the windows and doors to your house for six months. After six months is up, take down the boards, wave to your friends and family through the front window of your home tell them you can't leave until the next day as you are on duty.

    9. Repaint your entire house once a month.

    10. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.)

    11. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their Action Stations ("Hands to actions stations, assume NBCD State 1 Condition Zulu.")

    12. Post a man on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when the family gets to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

    13.Put on the headphones from the stereo set but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup round your neck with string. Go stand in front of your cooker and say to no one in particular 'cooked manned and ready.' Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular 'cooker secured.' Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

    14. Sleep on a shelf in the wardrobe. Replace the wardrobe door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtains about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble 'Sorry wrong bunk.'

    15. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

    That will do for starters.
  2. 16 , Visit the Trelawny in St Budeaux , they have a Thursday war on a regular basis , should bring back a few memories :roll: :twisted: :roll:
  3. lol, i got my recruitment test on the 10th july... was quite looking forward to navy life until i read this post, hehe! I applied as a clearance diver..

    I do have another job offer too, working for 'Sun Sail' its a yacht company.. that teaches people how to sail in Greece... hmmmm?

  4. That's a no brainer......Sun Sail every time!
  5. A few more:

    1. Build a shelf on the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it under a light blue duvet.

    2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small.

    3. Wash your socks and underwear every night and hang over the pipes to dry.

    4. An hour or so after you have dropped off, have your girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your face and say, “Oh, sorry Sir, wrong cabinâ€. (Whenever you wake up your girlfriend, do so with a weather forecast).

    5. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the bath. Move the showerhead down to chest level. Store beer barrels anywhere they will fit.

    6. Remember to turn off the shower when you soap. Then have your girlfriend turn the water off. Rinse off using a flannel in the basin with whatever water is left in the tap.

    7. Every time there’s a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are sick.

    8. Don’t watch TV except for films in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your friends vote for which film they would like to see, then select a different one. When the film is on, start a lawnmower up in the next room and leave it running for 24 hours to recreate the proper noise level.

    9. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

    10. Once a day blow compressed air up your chimney. Hopefully the wind will blow it over your neighbour’s fence. When he complains, laugh.

    11. Don’t put rubbish out for the dustman. Instead store it in a large net. When the dustman comes round, get all your friends to help you take the bags upstairs and from there, throw them into the dustcart.

    12. Invite half-a-dozen people you don’t really know or like to stay and refer to them as “FOSTiesâ€.

    13. Set an alarm to go off at any time, day or night. When it goes off, get quickly dressed in some old overalls, wellies, gardening gloves and balaclava. Rush out into the garden, unreel the hose and spray it on the shed.

    14. Once a month, take all the household appliances apart and then re-assemble.

    15. Use four spoons of coffee per cup; then leave standing for an hour before drinking.

    Apols for whoever it was emailed those to me (ages ago!)
  6. You forgot to mention: -
    Throw all your teaspoons away except one, drill a hole in the end and hang it above the dining table on a piece of string so it doesn't quite reach the table top.
  7. Sounds just wonderful! I just can't wait! Can moderately disabled 43 year olds join up nowerdays? If so, PM me the details. :D
  8. Why would you want to put jelly on bread?
  9. i like that one best i think... keep em coming lads


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