1. Buy a skip, paint it gray and live in it for six months straight. 2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls. 3. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the worst part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay a fiver per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold. 4. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower. 5. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesdays and Thursdays turn in down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured. 6. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling. 7. Have your next door neighbour come over each day at 5 a.m. and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Wakey, Wakey rise and shine." 8. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, board up all the windows and doors to your house for six months. After six months is up, take down the boards, wave to your friends and family through the front window of your home tell them you can't leave until the next day as you are on duty. 9. Repaint your entire house once a month. 10. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.) 11. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their Action Stations ("Hands to actions stations, assume NBCD State 1 Condition Zulu.") 12. Post a man on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when the family gets to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs. 13.Put on the headphones from the stereo set but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup round your neck with string. Go stand in front of your cooker and say to no one in particular 'cooked manned and ready.' Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular 'cooker secured.' Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box. 14. Sleep on a shelf in the wardrobe. Replace the wardrobe door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtains about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble 'Sorry wrong bunk.' 15. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. That will do for starters.