How to kill Tourists & get away with it.

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#1
As you cunts are no doubt aware, I live in the glorious city of London. It's a really good city full of vibrant bars, pubs, restaurants, theatres and the like. Contrary to popular belief, there is not a surplus of Pearly Kings and Queens or chimney sweeps doing their chim chimminy cor blimey guvnor Dick van Dyke up your fucking pipe shit. What we do have is tourists. Thousands of the fuckers. Common things that these hoopsniffing hampers of arse do are:

  • Talk loudly
  • Stand right in the doorways on the tube
  • Stop without warning on busy streets to take photos
  • Stop without warning on tube platforms
  • Stand on the left on escalators
  • Always wear puffa jackets, regardless of how hot it is
  • Stand in the doorways of pubs

Now I'm a patient and tolerant man, but I have a limit. I'm also lazy as shite so I would be grateful if you lot can come up with some imaginative ways to off these bellmashing dogfrotters.

Cheers.
 
#3
I believe Polonium is the preferred method these days, plus Putin gets the blame so win win.

As Polonium is in short supply, I believe Toilet Duck would be a sufficient alternative.
 
#5
Move some of the sightseeing bits round the country.

Queen to Windsor

Parliament to Brum

Eye to Guzz

Then the tourists are spread out a bit. Nothing in Cambridgeshire thanks we have enough Eastern Europeans :)
 
#6
Last few years in York we have noticed more and more Chinese visiting our fair city , most speak good English and they are the most polite people I have ever come across , no Russian invasion yet.
 
#7
Blackrat, have you thought of a small thermo-nuclear device? Obviously set for when you are at your county pile for the weekend.

Alternatively, since you are in the big smoke, do you know any unhappy, disenfranchised young followers of Allan..............?
 
#8
You forgot to mention the thousands of fückers that congregate on Westminster Bridge to take pictures of parliament, forcing people who use the pavement for walking to walk in the road and get run over by other, richer fückers in their gold supercars.


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#9
Where else in this country can you sell a can of gone past its sell by date luke warm flat orange flavoured Fanta to a hot Japanese tourist for a tenner?
You're missing a business opportunity.
Don't kill them. Fucking rob them.
 

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#11
You forgot to mention the thousands of fückers that congregate on Westminster Bridge to take pictures of parliament, forcing people who use the pavement for walking to walk in the road and get run over by other, richer fückers in their gold supercars.
And those Eastern European pikeys conning people with their card tricks. There's a husband and wife team who busk playing the accordion around Westminster. You'd feel sorry for them but they have the biggest fuck off dogs sitting next to them who need a horse a day to keep them satisfied. A lot of the begging cunts around Westminster have dogs.
 
#12
And those Eastern European pikeys conning people with their card tricks. There's a husband and wife team who busk playing the accordion around Westminster. You'd feel sorry for them but they have the biggest fuck off dogs sitting next to them who need a horse a day to keep them satisfied. A lot of the begging cunts around Westminster have dogs.
They have dogs because they can claim more benefits, something to do with maintaining the mutt and feeding it.
 
#19
If we get particularly noisy or generally obnoxious tourists in the local pub someone usually makes a comment about the latest black panther sighting in the village. Said tourists are guaranteed to leave before darkness falls.....
 

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