How to kill Tourists & get away with it.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, Apr 19, 2016.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    As you cunts are no doubt aware, I live in the glorious city of London. It's a really good city full of vibrant bars, pubs, restaurants, theatres and the like. Contrary to popular belief, there is not a surplus of Pearly Kings and Queens or chimney sweeps doing their chim chimminy cor blimey guvnor Dick van Dyke up your fucking pipe shit. What we do have is tourists. Thousands of the fuckers. Common things that these hoopsniffing hampers of arse do are:

    • Talk loudly
    • Stand right in the doorways on the tube
    • Stop without warning on busy streets to take photos
    • Stop without warning on tube platforms
    • Stand on the left on escalators
    • Always wear puffa jackets, regardless of how hot it is
    • Stand in the doorways of pubs

    Now I'm a patient and tolerant man, but I have a limit. I'm also lazy as shite so I would be grateful if you lot can come up with some imaginative ways to off these bellmashing dogfrotters.

  2. Know of a good sniper??????
  3. I believe Polonium is the preferred method these days, plus Putin gets the blame so win win.

    As Polonium is in short supply, I believe Toilet Duck would be a sufficient alternative.
    • Funny Funny x 2
  4. Join UKIP
  5. Move some of the sightseeing bits round the country.

    Queen to Windsor

    Parliament to Brum

    Eye to Guzz

    Then the tourists are spread out a bit. Nothing in Cambridgeshire thanks we have enough Eastern Europeans :)
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  6. Last few years in York we have noticed more and more Chinese visiting our fair city , most speak good English and they are the most polite people I have ever come across , no Russian invasion yet.
  7. Blackrat, have you thought of a small thermo-nuclear device? Obviously set for when you are at your county pile for the weekend.

    Alternatively, since you are in the big smoke, do you know any unhappy, disenfranchised young followers of Allan..............?
    • Like Like x 1
  8. You forgot to mention the thousands of fückers that congregate on Westminster Bridge to take pictures of parliament, forcing people who use the pavement for walking to walk in the road and get run over by other, richer fückers in their gold supercars.

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  9. Where else in this country can you sell a can of gone past its sell by date luke warm flat orange flavoured Fanta to a hot Japanese tourist for a tenner?
    You're missing a business opportunity.
    Don't kill them. Fucking rob them.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. Cornwall can't accept any more tourists. We have our own problems with them as there is.
  11. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    And those Eastern European pikeys conning people with their card tricks. There's a husband and wife team who busk playing the accordion around Westminster. You'd feel sorry for them but they have the biggest fuck off dogs sitting next to them who need a horse a day to keep them satisfied. A lot of the begging cunts around Westminster have dogs.
  12. They have dogs because they can claim more benefits, something to do with maintaining the mutt and feeding it.
  13. And why shouldnt people stand on the left on escalators, I thought everyone was meant to stand now............
  14. Thats how it is on the tube. You stand on the left and walk up on the right (or the other way round?)
  15. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Stand on the right. And as for what @RabC said, that's at Holborn.
  16. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    In that case, a dog is pretty lame. I'd get a fucking Elephant. Imagine the benefits with that bad boy.
    • Funny Funny x 2
  17. I'd be prepared to consider renting them Mrs W. They would then potentially benefit from the sympathy vote.
  18. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    Job done

    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  19. If we get particularly noisy or generally obnoxious tourists in the local pub someone usually makes a comment about the latest black panther sighting in the village. Said tourists are guaranteed to leave before darkness falls.....
  20. Where in London can I find these??
    • Like Like x 1

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