How not to perform on your AIB

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by stan_the_man, Nov 16, 2010.

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  1. Exchanged a few PMs yesterday and I got to thinking about my rather pathetic endeavours towards bettering myself (perhaps) and joining the most exclusive club in the world - the RN Officers Club.
    Now old Stan wasn't always a shrinking violet, I made it from AB(M) to CPO(M) in 10 years. Got divorced and met the current Mrs S who had grand ideas about her man and her position on the social ladder.
    I mentioned to my then DO that I was interested in getting a commision and quick as a fcuking flash I got the necessary GCSE's - always dodgy at maths I sat the exam at sea and my DO was the invigilator did ok on paper 1 but 2 was a bastard trigonometry, logarithms and shite seeing that I was struggling my DO gave me a hand to finish the paper and I got a twat on when the results had come in wanker only got me a B.

    On the ships return from the first Gulf war bit of leave then off to Norway with a big amphibious exercise I get my AIB date and the ship dropped me off by boat in Pompey and off I fcuked to SULTAN, I'd been in defence watches the entire time and did fcuk all prep. The night before the board I slyly slipped out and sank a few in the Cocked Hat.
    Next morning I 'd been grassed up by one of the JRs that helped out on the board so Stans into the minus stakes already, I then get another bollocking for drinking my tea out of a mug not a cup and saucer as occifers do.

    The first day was taken up with maths and english exam I knew I had bombed at the maths but thought I'd done ok at the english. In the afternoon it was the leadership theory were you get a scenario from which you have to plan an escape from some jungle via a river avoiding man eating natives etc being a gobby cement head I elected to put the plan to the board. It got ripped to shreds as usual being the one that did the gobbing off Stan was singled out for some rather harsh comments which basically said I was a twat.

    Next day was the practical tests and everyone was given a task to perform which basically meant crossing a small swimming pool using ropes ladders oil drums etc, It was February and fcuking freezing with ice on the surface even chucking in a fcuking steward didn't break all the ice. My task was so fcuking easy I knew I'd failed.

    I like to think I'm a relatively good judge of character and you always know the one thats going to pass he usually looks and acts like a complete cock and this Killick Aircrewman was no exception. He was given the most difficult task and having briefed us on his cunning plan he took up position by the pool and began barking out his orders. Things started going astray rather quickly and in an effort to redeem himself he took hold of a rope and began swinging accross the pool like a demented tarzan - fcuk were we impressed especially as we could only hear half of what he was saying as he whizzed past, tiring quickly it was so funny watching his grip fail on the rope as he slowly lost momentum and still shouting out commands he slowly sunk under water fcuk me the skipper of the Titanic would have been proud of that. We all fell in the water pissing ourselves so that was more negatives for old Stan.

    The upshot was Stan never did get offered a commision and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would't be allowed back. The WAFOO was the only guy that passed out of 14 of us.
    Me I wasn't too upset I had much more fun as a SR but the pension would have been nice.

    AND what I would say to everyone in the Pusser no matter what your sexual orientation or colour or background if you really are good enough you will be accepted.

    Hope that didn't bore the pants off you all
  2. Stan, I truly love you. That's ace. I have absolutely no doubt that when my AIB comes around, I will bomb it in similar style. If I can do so whilst matching your excellence, I will be a proud, proud man.
  3. What a minute, let me get a pen

    *writes down notes*

    So are you saying I should or shouldn't hang onto a rope and go under to boost team morale on my leadership task?
  4. Perhaps you had the wrong iron or suitcase?
  5. Older don't get on the rope mate tell one of your minnions to get on it and swing like fcuk, then have a good chuckle as he drowns or succumbs to aggrovated hypothermia cos thats wot occifers do. :)
  6. Wrecker didn't have either nicked the WAFOO's
  7. Good drills that man
  8. I failed my AIB in 1989,due to a "Lack of command of the English language and dislike of team sports." I was a bad speaking northern git that did not like playing football. Exactly the same on mine, the two who were choppers got through!
  9. Such confessions are good for the Soul.

    The no. of times I heard "....I too was offered a Commission - but turned it down etc....'

    That almost convinced some people that no-one ever failed the AIB. :roll:
  10. Unfortunately I am very much a 'lead from the front' type of person.
    At least I'll have a good view of them crossing from the depths of the pool.
  11. I remember a fat ginger wren communicator at Collingwood who was convinced she was God's gift to....well....everything.

    She was seriously deluded and would constantly drivel on, in her horrible Hull accent (pronounced 'ull), about how she was going for officer and would breeze through AIB.

    She was turned down at AIB for being, and I quote; ''too down to Earth.''

    This was a nice way of saying she was a fat, rats, bad speaking Northern twat. The fact that she failed pretty much every other aspect of the AIB had nothing to do with it.

    Personally I never fancied going for it, I never had the head for maths and didn't have the time or effort to sort out my qualifications and go to the CW lessons, a couple of minor indiscretions on my disciplinary record didn't help. Now I'm all growed up, I wish I'd pulled my finger out.

    I've got the UCAS points now (cheers resettlement office) and I'm still young enough to join up, but the mob isn't really compatible with my life now, besides I couldn't afford the pay cut!
  12. The AIB was the only exam I failed in the mob and like 2DD I really didn't feel like it was a life I wanted hence the lack of preparation. You can still be a good leader and set a fine example without the hoops on your jacket sleeve, some of the finest men I served with never made it beyond AB.

    Except for Mac 39 year old ex jock fisherman from up Scrabster way, one of my LAS Ops on YORK, try as he might he could never quite grasp the art of tracking a target and talking on his comms at the same time. It was either track and not be able to tell me what the fcuk he was tracking or babble away in the strongest jockenese accent and lose the target , plus he was absolutely shite at recognition couldn't tell a frigate from a submarine. Still I knew some officers who were worse now thats scary
  13. And were probably qualified PWO's to boot, ah well, probably CO's now!!
  14. In fact the quote was attitude to the RN not team sports,but the big black X appeared when I said about my dislike of football,how the memory fades!
  15. Quite frightening sometimes about 10 years ago I was seariding for FOSF not FOST(Can't stand them seadodging cnuts) We went out as a team to searide a certain T23 that was doing the first operational tour for the class in the Adriatic and she hadn't done too well at DOST.
    Joined in that shithole Trieste and sailed the next day simulated ADEX Fornoon and afternoon as we moved up the coast of Yugoslavia to a box off the coast of Kotor the naval base to intercept any arms shipments heading into Kosovo.
    About 2100 I popped down to the Ops room to see how things were tried the door and fcuk me it was locked. The CO and PWO had decided to stand everyone down including the EWDand MD. 20 miles away was an active SSN2C Styx missile battery, no chaff in the launchers and UAT switched off.
    No-one had given a threat brief or even knew what the threat was- I had kittens but just goes to show you trust the old man when he's in the driving seat but they really don't always know what the fcuk they are doing or why.
  16. That's fcuking awesome. Why did I never get a Warfare department like that? My CHOPS (R) and PWO were bum chums of the highest order who liked the whole ops room closed up all the time, even alongside. Once our 996 was down for 3 days but they still closed up the whole air team just for shits and giggles. Great fun staring at a blank screen. We were in the Indian Ocean about 1500 miles from the nearest patch of land.

    Once they put us in defence watches because their shite Scottish football team lost against some other shite Scottish football team.
  17. Aye 2DD never saw the point in those simulated ADEX thingies oh the fcuking hours I must have spent thruthching away on the MDs desk achieving fcuk all even had guys in the LAS/DAS FFS
  18. Gotta love an HRV ADEX. Especially if you do it a week after finishing Ex Bursama Lima which is basically 3 weeks of hardcore ADEXs. Being spanked by 12 F18s every day kind of takes the edge off tracking Pacman.
  19. HRV ADEX's for the win!
  20. They're right up there with SOCs, store ship and out all gash on my list of favourite evolutions.

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