1. STOKERS Track snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind. 2. HELICOPTER SQUADRONS Lands on and kills snake. 3. AIRCRAFT HANDLERS Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes. 4. LOGISTICS Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective to hold London against Roundheads at all costs. 5. ROYAL MARINE COMMANDO Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake. 6. WEAPON ENGINEER OFFICERS Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by Stokers and drowns. 7. GUNNERS Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals. 8. SPECIAL FORCES Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best seller 'Python Two Zero'. 9. MAâ€™s Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake. 10. WEAPON ENGINEER WARRANT OFFICERS Goes out on the Lash. Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. More beer to celebrate. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MOD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of conducting anti-snake operations. Then â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦ goes out on the lash 11. RNR Weekend camp cancelled due to presence of snakes in the area. 12. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads smart missiles, flies in at 20,000 feet, but can't find snake to target. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Wipes out 85% of marine life in no-fly zone. 13. CTâ€™s Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake bite. 14. DEFENCE LOGISTICS ORGANISATION Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of Â£1.5M, generating massive workload at Grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas told change is inevitable and not to be negative about it. High profile Â£2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Navy demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Canadian and Indian Armed Forces. 15. DEFENCE PROCUREMENT AGENCY Decide they want to buy a snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and Â£3 billion over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion. 16. EWO and DEPCOâ€™s Discovers that snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.