Hosifers - bless 'em

Officers - can't live with them, can't live without them.

I have been inspired to start this thread due to some of the postings of potential officers :cry: that it seems shouldn't be let out on their own, let alone given a position of authority on a war canoe, or worse, a boat!

Then there are the 'funny stories' that we can all recount regarding our hosifers in the course of their duties, and it is these that I think we should know more about.

Now we in the WE world all know about the young thruster who keeps asking 'how long until it's fixed Chief' etc, :evil5: but my pet hate was when a baby WEO would come into wherever it was I was working at the time and ask 'Can I borrow a screwdriver Chief?'.................WTF?................ So being slightly more subtle than that, over the years I had two versions of a response. One was a sixpenny Woolies with the end ground off - response 'but Chief, this has no blade on it' - 'exactly Sir!'

The other was a plastic screwdriver stolen from a kiddies play tool box many moons ago (and it was bright pink!) but always made said baby WEO go away. :blob4:

Please, all of you in other branches, feel free to contribute your, well, contribution!

PS No disrespect intended. Cough.
I was on the Harrier OEU and we were off on our annual 6 weeker in Puerto Rico.

Before we went our AEO briefed us on the usual how we are all representing the RN, blah, blah. The brief continued and he then went onto dress etc. He informed us we needed to take full tropics as we may get invited to a function with the USN. So we had to carry, our line gear, 8's, sandles, boots, and full ice creams suits.

As the AEO went out a week before us he was going to meet us at the base terminal when Crab Air got us there (after a stopover in Bermuda). As we left the terminal he was stood there in 8's trousers and a white shirt. Our SMR asked "what sort of rig is that sir", he mumbled something under his breath and off he went. The cock never even had any headgear.

It turned out the only rig he had with him was one pair of 8's trousers and 2 white shirts for an 6 week detachment.

And we never got invited to any functions!!!!!! And now he's a 2 1/2.
Last edited:
This one's about a baby hossifer, cadet to be precise....................
On Tenby '65 Dartmouth traing sqdn..........out the Med, we used to have movies each night on the quarterdeck.
Down the engine room young Ghanaian cadet says to chief stoker..........'Whats the movie tonight, chief?'
Chief stoker replies..........'Call me Bwana'..............cadet says............'What's the movie tonight Bwana?'

n.b. For those under a certain age...........Call me Bwana was a Bob Hope movie.
Had a Navigation hossifer on the Duchess who was very sensitive to movement and motion (He got sea sick a lot)
I only had to show him a sailing signal and he'd go green. I used to love it when it was a bit choppy and I had the morning watch on the bridge, I'd nip down to the galley and come back with a bacon sarnie deliberately troughing it by the chart table.
Next thing he's calling for Bill and Hughie. :tongue8: :pukel:
Had a Navigation hossifer on the Duchess who was very sensitive to movement and motion (He got sea sick a lot)
I only had to show him a sailing signal and he'd go green. I used to love it when it was a bit choppy and I had the morning watch on the bridge, I'd nip down to the galley and come back with a bacon sarnie deliberately troughing it by the chart table.
Next thing he's calling for Bill and Hughie. :tongue8: :pukel:
Not to mention Ralph.
The OOW, a rider, dont know why or what for, sees a speck on the horizon, is that an A boat he says, I have a glimp and can see naff all, if it is says I it must be the Andrew cos thats the only one, so he shouts down he's got the Andrew lots of yards away, the scope turns to the bearing and a voice from below says, that A boat is a county class destroyer, he jumps onto the step for another look misses his footing and smacks his chin on the fin, bless.
I witnessed this incident on my first ship:

DWEO talking to the duty WE Senior Rate: " This shore supply cable seems a bit hot Chief".

Duty WESR, with world-weary sigh answers, "That's the shore steam sir".
Once again Duchess, exercising with RAN...............young subbie...........whats that ship signalman............. its the Yarra, sir.
Skipper comes up to the bridge........ whats that ship OOW........... it's the Yarrow, sir!........
They were all public school fcukwits in my day.............. 'Farquahar har sar'
On Devonshire, Whilst loafing around in the Wardroom as that was my emergency station ,I got talking to a young Degree Entrant Lt ,I enquired what his Degree was in ,He replied "You will laugh if I tell you" ,"Run it by me then Sir!"."Fine Arts",I don't think i will be laughing, the Russians are launching Bricks at us what are you going to do paint a fucking picture.
Surg Lt prior to a visit in Recife makes a general pipe ref sexual transmitted diseases and wearing protection when ashore.
Guess who's the only one to catch a dose?


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Rather rich Indian cadet gets 3 days stoppage.

Goes off and buys three of the other Indians, trots back to Cadet office.

"Oh sir, I have three days stoppage of leave, yes sir?"

Cadet Gunner: "Indeed you have --------".

"I have three substitutes, I go ashore now, yes sir?"

Name withheld to protect the persec of a retired Indian Navy vice admiral.
We are heading out, its pitch black and blowing a hooley, every now and then a big one comes over the fin and gives us a good soaking, the OOW says he’s going to look at the chart and to shout goffer if I see one coming, within a minute or two there is a boom from up front and a wall of water shoots in the air, I yell goffer as agreed, Hornblower turns round with chart spread out in his hands, wot? then half the North Atlantic falls on his head.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Sub Lt X is navigating officer of HM's finest Coastal, which is sent from Portland to Gib. Mr X is a dab at star sights. Mostly there is the coast of Portugal to use instead, but there is a bit of open water after we turn left for Gib. We get to the point where Mr X brings his sight down to the charthouse and starts his Marc St Hilaire maths. Reaches for HD486 Alt-Az tables which are in several volumes by bands of latitude and ... bingo, we are to the south of the back cover of the current volume and haven't got the next one.

Same gent is rum officer & keeps the keys in his pocket (we now discover ..) We shove off into the PEXAs on a trial, Sub is left ashore in Portland on some errand. Meanwhile on board Up Spirits time approaches. Whirry whirr a Whirlwind charges towards us. Some sort of bag is dangling from the winch. Blackboard becomes visible. Father on main broadcast: "What are our rum keys doing in that helicopter No.1?" Have to give Sub the odd mark for initiative.

Mr X, thinking aloud: 'Father's not going to like this'. What a perceptive young man.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
As froggy has already hinted there are many, but one chap in particular springs to my mind. Still serving and fairly high up the ladder now, so I shan't name him. This guy was DMEO on the Boxer when I was a PO Tiff, he was genuinely a bloody nice chap, and academically bright, but...... Inevitably, he became widely known as Time Nice but dim. One dog watch Tim is doing his rounds and comes in the SCC leaving his torch and earduffs loafing. One of the lads gives his duffs a liberal applicatuion of engineer's blue. Tim proceeds with his rounds. Somewhere along the way he gets seen by a few of the grown ups who all think it's a spiffing wheeze, so the OOW rings up the SCC, to find out what we've done and can they get some of the blue stuff. We oblige them, shortly later hear a pipe for DMEO to contact the bridge. He then reappears some time later with his eyes as blue as his ears afetr explaining to us that the OOW had seen a suspicious vessel and wanted an engineer's Intlook appraisal of it. While standing there with his blue eyes and ears he tells us he has lost his torch and has anybody seen it. Well he had left it behind and while he was on the bridge someone carved "Tim nice but dim" on the side of it, oppostie "DMEO" on the other side. He spotted it "DMEO" side up and picked it up, "Ah, there it is" he says, turns it round and frowns. "Tim nice but dim? Must have been the last DMEO's, never mind, it'll do!" How the watch laughed.Another memorable one from the same chap: He and a PO WAFU were both ML's and were organising an Exped to the Dolomites while we were deployed to the Adriatic. The WAFU had heard us in the mess calling the DMEO "Tim", so during a planning meeting foor their exped he says, "Sir, whilst we're away, do you mind if we call you Tim?" "I'd rather you didn't", came the reply. Not to be deterred the WAFU perseveres, "But why not?" "Because my name is S......, you see!"The WU dripped like fuck over us clankies!
On Ice patrol on/in Gurka, heard on the bridge, young Navigator calling one of our trawlers, and asked for a fix? His ears must have burnt or even exploded, our skipper what’s wrong Navigator are you lost? Trawler skipper, not used to Naval protocols on Radio’s, What the [email protected]@@XX all those sodding aerial’s and Radar and you [email protected]@@ Lost, Navigator not to shown up in front of our skipper (should have cut his losses) tells the Trawler skipper I was just verifying my last fix, Multiple replies from Bridge and Radio, your [email protected]@@~~~ Lost then, Navigator sulks of Bridge.
Talking of Navs who couldn't navigate their way out of a paper bag ... 86 on a Global excursion on Manch ... Nav had been ripped a new arseh*le on BOST and the XO had reamed him a new one several times on the way around so by the time we got to Tonga the Nav was getting really stressed out. So first night in all the Hosifers / SR's disappear to the Crown Princes gaff for a cock and arse ... next thing I know I'm getting a phone call from the XO who is just this side of going ballistic and is returning on board with a very pissed Nav in tow. Joss & Nav appear in the Sick Bay and I get to check him over for lumps, bumps etc and "certified drunk"! Seems that said Nav had thrown a wobbly at the C&A after imbibing very many sherberts and the Jimmy virtually frog marched him back on board! He got flown home from Oz I think. Jimmy was not a happy man that night!
Going up the St Lawrence river towards Quebec City on Tenby. Jimmy is OOW on morning watch. Skipper comes up on bridge about 0730....goes to the chart table...'where abouts are we No 1?'...Jimmy puts his open palm on the chart..... little finger on the west shore of the river....thumb on the east shore.....'We're somewhere here, sir'
I don't think his career progressed much further after that. ^~

Similar threads

Latest Threads

New Posts