Homosexuality - It's just not for me.

#1
It's been a long summer leave, I've been back from my holiday a while, all my selfish mates have jobs or are in prison, the missus is out soliciting and the kids are in the cellar, so I have to find ways of filling my day.

Anyway, whilst out for a run today, I saw a number of extremely hot chicks doing the same, nicely toned in tiny little shorts, sweat glistening off their tanned calves, brilliant. As I was passing the Angel of the North though, I saw two fat ugly middle aged dudes holding hands, one then proceeded to delicatley stroke the small of his oppos back "ooh look" thought I "Gayers".

Now, it was a long run and my ipod charge had died so my mind began to work overtime, why? Why? with all these amazing chicks around do dudes fancy dudes? Women are AWESOME they have tits and fannys and no beards and nice legs and they just rock. Why wouldn't you want to have sex with as many of them as possible?

At home, this conundrum continued to bug me, then I had a Eureka moment "ASS-LOVE!" It is the only explanation, I like a good ring dhoby plus I know chicks that dig it too, perhaps some blokes just love it up their ricker so much that they can't be arsed with chicks.

So, in the bath I tested the theory by ramming a finger up my hoop... nothing, I tried having a wank at the same time.. nothing, it just felt like trying to have a wank whilst needing a big sh1t. I decided that finger was too small so tried to cram a foamburst can up there, no joy. So I concluded that my theory was rubbish and fcuked it off.

I then proceeded upstairs and put on a pair of my missus jeans, one of her t-shirts and tied a desert shemagh around my neck to complete "the look" and tried watching X factor, Big Brother, a Brittney Spears bio on E! and some Gok Wan, I even tried watching some Tennis but no, I still just wanted to go and rag some bird. The internet provided some gay porn but that just made my laugh and I kept getting distracted by littlemissspunkguzzler69 from Sunderland IM'ing me to meet up for a fcuk and to show me her webcam vids.

So my dabble with homosexuality has come to an end, and sorry, it just isn't for me. You can't say I haven't tried though, and feel I have an improved understanding of our beef brethren.

I just don't like dudes.
 

Andrew_1980

Lantern Swinger
#3
You say you 'tried' to shove a foamburst can up there, did it not work out? Probably best, thinking about it that could have gone bad and you might have been shitting fruit-aroma expanding foam for a week, that's assuming the button / lid didn't come off on the way out. owch.

reminds me of the glass jar-up-ass video that I should never ever have watched. haunter.
 

Welshy

Lantern Swinger
#5
I thank MLP for that comment too. Imagine how upset us women would be if he went gay! I don't think I could cope with the upset of knowing that my chance of sweet love with MLP would be gone..hehe.
 

Ricko

Lantern Swinger
#6
StixJimboRM said:
.....Mate, that constitutes some of the best research into a subject that I have heard of for a long while.

You are to be congratulated on such a thorough job, well done that man!!!
I would say your research is not concluded until you’ve at least given it up the arse to that lot over on 'the last post'…go suck it and see, and report back when you’ve given them all a good shafting...
 
#8
type42stoker said:
Montigny_La_Palisse said:
I just don't like dudes.
On behalf of my people, I thank the powers that be for that one comment..... :wink:

Lad's we're all safe, we can come out and play now..... 8) :p
Sorry mate, I tried, I might go to the powerhouse on thursday night and see how I get on in there. I think you lot are ace but I just can't get my head round it. I'm trying to understand through my research.

Welshy said:
I thank MLP for that comment too. Imagine how upset us women would be if he went gay! I don't think I could cope with the upset of knowing that my chance of sweet love with MLP would be gone..hehe.
Don't you worry about that, you're going to get it.
 
#9
Montigny_La_Palisse said:
It's been a long summer leave, I've been back from my holiday a while, all my selfish mates have jobs or are in prison, the missus is out soliciting and the kids are in the cellar, so I have to find ways of filling my day.

Anyway, whilst out for a run today, I saw a number of extremely hot chicks doing the same, nicely toned in tiny little shorts, sweat glistening off their tanned calves, brilliant. As I was passing the Angel of the North though, I saw two fat ugly middle aged dudes holding hands, one then proceeded to delicatley stroke the small of his oppos back "ooh look" thought I "Gayers".

Now, it was a long run and my ipod charge had died so my mind began to work overtime, why? Why? with all these amazing chicks around do dudes fancy dudes? Women are AWESOME they have tits and fannys and no beards and nice legs and they just rock. Why wouldn't you want to have sex with as many of them as possible?

At home, this conundrum continued to bug me, then I had a Eureka moment "ASS-LOVE!" It is the only explanation, I like a good ring dhoby plus I know chicks that dig it too, perhaps some blokes just love it up their ricker so much that they can't be arsed with chicks.

So, in the bath I tested the theory by ramming a finger up my hoop... nothing, I tried having a wank at the same time.. nothing, it just felt like trying to have a wank whilst needing a big sh1t. I decided that finger was too small so tried to cram a foamburst can up there, no joy. So I concluded that my theory was rubbish and fcuked it off.

I then proceeded upstairs and put on a pair of my missus jeans, one of her t-shirts and tied a desert shemagh around my neck to complete "the look" and tried watching X factor, Big Brother, a Brittney Spears bio on E! and some Gok Wan, I even tried watching some Tennis but no, I still just wanted to go and rag some bird. The internet provided some gay porn but that just made my laugh and I kept getting distracted by littlemissspunkguzzler69 from Sunderland IM'ing me to meet up for a fcuk and to show me her webcam vids.

So my dabble with homosexuality has come to an end, and sorry, it just isn't for me. You can't say I haven't tried though, and feel I have an improved understanding of our beef brethren.

I just don't like dudes.
Mate your protesting a bit too fcuking much if you ask me!! I reckon you spend your weekends mincing and rinsing down in Soho with all the bum boys and loves having the small of his back tickled or stroked.

Heemer!!! 8)
 
#10
X.R.D said:
Mate your protesting a bit too fcuking much if you ask me!! I reckon you spend your weekends mincing and rinsing down in Soho with all the bum boys and loves having the small of his back tickled or stroked.

Heemer!!! 8)
Hey! Homophobe! I just fancied seeing what all the fuss was about. Plus if I converted it might stand me in good stead for getting a job in civvy life.

Now if I could convert to blackness as well, I could be a Fireman!
 
#11
type42stoker said:
Montigny_La_Palisse said:
I just don't like dudes.
On behalf of my people, I thank the powers that be for that one comment..... :wink:

Lad's we're all safe, we can come out and play now..... 8) :p
I'm sooooooooo relieved.

In response to Monty, I really cannot understand how handsome, good looking blokes with face fungus and the Uncle Albert physique below can possibly be aroused by chicks...



They've NEVER turned me on at all. They're too soft outside.

Blokes on the other hand are rough and have skin like coarse emery cloth :) ......



Oh sorry, wrong piccy....... :oops:

It should be this one! A prefect specimen of MANHOOD! 8) :razz:





.....not sure why he's sporting a bath plug attached to his knife lanyard though. :? :? 8O
 
#12
Well Thingy, I'm trying my best. I tried staring at that photo for a while but again, nothing. I just thought "Awesome Jack Phot" but no desire for man love.

I just think chicks are the best things ever invented and dudes are for talking about chicks and drinking ale with.

I'll keep plugging away though, research must continue.
 
#13
Montigny_La_Palisse said:
Well Thingy, I'm trying my best. I tried staring at that photo for a while but again, nothing. I just thought "Awesome Jack Phot" but no desire for man love.

I just think chicks are the best things ever invented and dudes are for talking about chicks and drinking ale with.

I'll keep plugging away though, research must continue.
Perhaps it should be getting plugged............
 
#15
Montigny_La_Palisse said:
Well Thingy, I'm trying my best. I tried staring at that photo for a while but again, nothing. I just thought "Awesome Jack Phot" but no desire for man love.
Well just remember that Type42, Thingy and possibly Sussex2 would much rather date UA than Jenny Wren. 8) :) :D

What does UA offer that female cannot.

1) You can understand a man
2) Men in Number 8s or square rig look soooooooooooooooooooooooo handsome
3) Er, that's it folks...
[align=center] :cya: [/align]
 
#16
Montigny_La_Palisse said:
It's been a long summer leave, I've been back from my holiday a while, all my selfish mates have jobs or are in prison, the missus is out soliciting and the kids are in the cellar, so I have to find ways of filling my day.

Anyway, whilst out for a run today, I saw a number of extremely hot chicks doing the same, nicely toned in tiny little shorts, sweat glistening off their tanned calves, brilliant. As I was passing the Angel of the North though, I saw two fat ugly middle aged dudes holding hands, one then proceeded to delicatley stroke the small of his oppos back "ooh look" thought I "Gayers".

Now, it was a long run and my ipod charge had died so my mind began to work overtime, why? Why? with all these amazing chicks around do dudes fancy dudes? Women are AWESOME they have tits and fannys and no beards and nice legs and they just rock. Why wouldn't you want to have sex with as many of them as possible?

At home, this conundrum continued to bug me, then I had a Eureka moment "ASS-LOVE!" It is the only explanation, I like a good ring dhoby plus I know chicks that dig it too, perhaps some blokes just love it up their ricker so much that they can't be arsed with chicks.

So, in the bath I tested the theory by ramming a finger up my hoop... nothing, I tried having a wank at the same time.. nothing, it just felt like trying to have a wank whilst needing a big sh1t. I decided that finger was too small so tried to cram a foamburst can up there, no joy. So I concluded that my theory was rubbish and fcuked it off.

I then proceeded upstairs and put on a pair of my missus jeans, one of her t-shirts and tied a desert shemagh around my neck to complete "the look" and tried watching X factor, Big Brother, a Brittney Spears bio on E! and some Gok Wan, I even tried watching some Tennis but no, I still just wanted to go and rag some bird. The internet provided some gay porn but that just made my laugh and I kept getting distracted by littlemissspunkguzzler69 from Sunderland IM'ing me to meet up for a fcuk and to show me her webcam vids.

So my dabble with homosexuality has come to an end, and sorry, it just isn't for me. You can't say I haven't tried though, and feel I have an improved understanding of our beef brethren.

I just don't like dudes.
Well, there's your first mistake. To appreciate the Bufty experience, it has to be 7 inches of throbbing, veiny beast - accept no substitutes.
 
#17
Montigny_La_Palisse said:
Maxi_77 said:
Perhaps it should be getting plugged............
Are you suggesting the only way to truly know is to allow another dude to shove his wee-wee stick up my claypipe?

I'm not sure I'm that committed to the research.........
That's the problem, MLP, you've only done partial research and you've identified the missing ingredient. You need to get a chutney ferret to shove his Samson Bar up your non-return valve, get your chops around his chopper and give him deep meaningful kisses including tongues, to come to a properly evaluated conclusion.
 
#18
Jimmy_Green said:
Montigny_La_Palisse said:
Maxi_77 said:
Perhaps it should be getting plugged............
Are you suggesting the only way to truly know is to allow another dude to shove his wee-wee stick up my claypipe?

I'm not sure I'm that committed to the research.........
That's the problem, MLP, you've only done partial research and you've identified the missing ingredient. You need to get a chutney ferret to shove his Samson Bar up your non-return valve, get your chops around his chopper and give him deep meaningful kisses including tongues, to come to a properly evaluated conclusion.
Understood, I'll neck all these bottles of cheap san mig and pop down to Camp David this evening to cop off with a bumder.
 
#19
Montigny_La_Palisse said:
So, in the bath I tested the theory by ramming a finger up my hoop... nothing, I tried having a wank at the same time.. nothing, it just felt like trying to have a wank whilst needing a big sh1t. I decided that finger was too small so tried to cram a foamburst can up there, no joy. So I concluded that my theory was rubbish and fcuked it off.
So I'm told by the medical types, you would not believe the number of people who turn up at A&E with, ahem, all manner of household items shoved up where the place where the sun should never shine. Apparently a common excuse is that they were hoovering and tripped and sat on the aforementioned item. Of course one has to ask why they were hoovering in the nude, but that's by the by.
 
#20
Montigny_La_Palisse said:
X.R.D said:
Mate your protesting a bit too fcuking much if you ask me!! I reckon you spend your weekends mincing and rinsing down in Soho with all the bum boys and loves having the small of his back tickled or stroked.

Heemer!!! 8)
Hey! Homophobe! I just fancied seeing what all the fuss was about. Plus if I converted it might stand me in good stead for getting a job in civvy life.

Now if I could convert to blackness as well, I could be a Fireman!
:lol: :wink: 8)
 
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