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HMS Cornwall - Inquiry leak!

Chaz said:
Can you imagine the sense of impending doom that must be pervading through the corridors of Whitehall at the moment, with Lt General Rob Fulton due to report on his enquiry into the HMS CORNWALL fiasco on the 15th of June? From what I recall he isn't the sort of bloke to take prisoners (excuse the pun) and my spies tell me that you can't find a copy of Country Life anywhere inside the M25 because they're all currently stuffed down various Admirals and senior Civil Servants pants!

But as interesting as that may be, I was more intriqued by the other enquiry commissioned by Des Brown into access by the media to personnel involved in operations. I was particulary fascinated by the appointment of Tony Hall, Chief Exec of the Royal Opera House and Board member of Channel 4 (God help us), to lead the enquiry. 'Now this is a piece of classic New Labour.' I thought to myself and couldn't resist doing a bit of digging. And guess what? It turns out that an oppo of an oppo has a floosy who's best friends with the girl who's sleeping with chap who does the PA to Tony Hall's hair. Or something along those lines. Anyway, without going into too much detail, I've managed to get a sneak preview into a line or two from his executive summary and since I know it won't go any further I don't mind sharing it with you. Trust me, it makes fascinating reading .....

Therefore the Enquiry concludes that far from restricting military personel from engaging with members of the press, they should be postiviely encouraged. We live in era where the public's attitude for reality television appears limitless and there is no good reason why this should not be exploited fully in order to shape public opinion and justify government policy. The Military clearly have a role to play in this strategy and the Board of Enquiry considers that the political fall out from the HMS CORNWALL incident could have been significantly reduced if public sympathy had been harnessed in a more creative way. The Enquiry noted the speed with which the Iranians exploited the power of television, and by doing so not only gained the propaganda advantage over HMG, but increased domestic sales of Ayatolla non-alcoholic Lager by an estimated 60% and viewing figures for the popular Iranian soap Eastfacers by 45%. It is the recommendation of this Enquiry, therefore, that military personnel begin to adopt the performing arts as part of their routine training for conduct after capture. It also seems reasonable to expect that Officers would have the ability perform to a higher and more cultured standard than non commisioned personnel. To put this into context, the officer in charge of the HMS CORNWALL boarding party should have been able to provide his international audience with a more entertaining presentation of his capture in the style of HMS PINNAFORE. Rather than simply whinging about it, the rating named Mr Bean by the Iranians could have given a far more realistic comic representation of his namesake and the young female rating was less than convincing in her portrayal of a young Elsie Tanner from Coronation Street complete with fag and headscarf. Even given their lack of training in the classics, it is felt that the captured RN personnel could have used their time more profitably than by playing ping-pong all day. Had they done so, their somewhat lacklustre public statements on arrival back in the UK could have been sung as a group to the melody of that popular modern classic Bohemian Rhapsody .......

Is this the real life-

Is this just fantasy-
Caught by a Boghammer-
Now I'll never make it back for tea-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-

There go the Wafoos, they've got no sympathy
Because they're easy come, easy go-
A little high, a little low
They'll still get flying pay, it doesn't really matter to them -
To them.

Buffer, just lost a RIB,
They put a gun against my head,
'Give em your IPOD.' The Killick said.
Buffer, my taskbook was nearly done.
And now I've gone and blown my boat handling day.

Skipper, oooooo
Didn't mean to make you cry,
If we're not back on board this time tomorrow-
You'll be glum, you'll be glum. And your career will be in tatters.

Too late, my turn has come,
Sends shivers down my spine-
I'm on camera all the time.
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go -
Gotta leave you all behind and read the news.

Mummy. ooooooo
I don't want to die,
I sometimes wish I'd never even joined at all -

I see a little silhouetto of a man
Ayatolla, Ayatolla, can I have a new suit please?
Saachi and Saachi. very, very pampering indeed.

Galileo, galileo
Galileo, galileo
Galileo, GPS not so magnifico- ooooo

He's was a poor boy and nobody loved him-
He was a poor boy from a poor family
Now he is rich thanks to publicity.

Easy come, easy go, will you let me sell
Bismillah! no, we will not let you sell
Let him sell
Bismillah! no we will not let him sell
Will not let you sell
Will not let you sell
No, no, no, no, no, no,

Media ops, media ops, media ops, let him go
Des Brown's a chump, has Max Hastings put aside a sum for me, for me, for me ---

So you think the press can stone me and spit in my eye-
So you think you can poorly advise me and leave me to die-
Oh Navy, can't do this to me Navy.
An enquiry will get me out, an enquiry will get me right out of here.

Nothing really matters
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters, nothing really matters to Tony,
Anyway the publicity wind blows ......
[/i]

:blob4:
What the bloody hell are you on about?
 

Lay-Dean

Midshipman
Beware! Beware! the Joker cries,
Methinks this Chaz doth plagiarize.
He stole these nuts from another shack.
Naughty Squirrel, go put them back!
:jocolor:
 

silverfox

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
Lay-Dean said:
Beware! Beware! the Joker cries,
Methinks this Chaz doth plagiarize.
He stole these nuts from another shack.
Naughty Squirrel, go put them back!
:jocolor:


Evidence then if you please - can't cast that sort of aspersion without it....
 

UncleAlbert

War Hero
Brilliant....




.
 

Lay-Dean

Midshipman
:jocolor:

Silverfox wrote: Evidence then if you please - can't cast that sort of aspersion without it....

The Joker knows all and his conscience is clear,
there's a Squirrel out there that owes me a beer!
I wouldn't go so far as to name and shame 'errr,
but he really should read my standard DISCLAIMER!

DISCLAIMER:
The information contained in this e-mail is private, probably frivolous, possibly a bit rude, almost certainly irreverent, occasionally downright stupid and is solely for the use of the intended recipient(s). If you are not the intended recipient, then what the bloody hell are you doing reading my emails? You have no legal right to view or use the contents of this e-mail, but I'm betting that you probably work for the Government and consider yourself exempt from the laws of privacy and social decency that apply to the rest of us. So as you sit there in your scruffy little office in GCHQ, dressed in your 1970's tank top, nylon slacks, open top sandals and grey socks, tabbing your way through my private mail with one hand, while absentmindedly scanning the latest edition of Hackers' Monthly with the other, ponder on this for a moment: Come the revolution, it won't help you when you start whinging, 'The Prime Minister made me do it.' You and all your odd little mates in the Puzzle Palace will be tried, found guilty and sentenced to a life-time of wearing pullovers with sleeves. See how you like that, you Weirdo!
--
This message has been scanned for viruses and dangerous content by Mr Norton's little bag of tricks and as far as I can tell it's clean.
 
Saw this on ARRSE. A little over the top perhaps.

http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/index.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=70289#1347520

REVISED NAVAL RULES OF ENGAGMENT

Following the 'Cornwall' incident, and the subsequent balanced enquiry and report, new ROE setting out protocols for the use of boarding parties have now been issued to the Fleet (the ships as well as the St).

These protocols have been put together following an extensive consultation exercise with not only the axis of evil, potted rogue states and global jihadists, but with the whole panoply of human rights organisations and home-grown dissidents.

The S of S for Defence stated â€These protocols ring in the dawn of a new age in dealing with asymmetric threat and are seen as a template for future strategic doctrinal development. They are an example of best practice and world class, and have already been adopted by the Easter Island Defence Force (R)

Rules For Naval Boarding Parties

1. No boarding party shall be assembled unless it comprises of a fully diverse, multi-faith, and multi-racial team, and must include as an absolute minimum, 1 x Muslim, 1 x lesbian, 1 x homosexual, 1 x disabled and 1 x transgendered person, with a diverse range of language skills including Farsi, Chinese, Indian, Filipino and Arabic (English is optional).

2. Each party shall be issued with a comprehensive suite of pre-recorded pro-jihadist, anti-Western programmes and leaflets, in a variety of formats including sound only versions for the visually impaired and Braille for the visually/aurally impaired. In addition each team must carry an audio loop. No member shall deploy unless he/she/it has received media ops trg.

3. No combat dress is to be worn as this can cause tensions when boarding. Jumpsuits, in non-threatening pastel shades shall be issued, with name badges prominently displayed both front and rear in Farsi and Arabic, with a raised font for those requiring Braille.

4. Badges of rank may be worn, however they are to be affixed with Velcro so they can easily be removed to give the impression that nobody is in charge, or swapped so the best person can take charge.

5. Before undertaking any boarding a sound risk assessment is first to be undertaken. AWACS will be deployed (taking care to ensure that it remains at a safe distance from any potential threat) to assess the risk. If there is the slightest indication that there is the slightest risk the operation is to be called off immediately and handed over to the Health & Safety Executive for action. In any event no boarding party must launch without signed authority from the S of S for Defence. If the ocean is the slightest bit choppy, or any of the team subject to sea-sickness, the boarding is to be immediately cancelled.

6. Boarding is to be carried out in a non-threatening non-judgemental way and care must be taken not to stereotype when conducting a sensitive search of the boat. Weapons, if they are deemed necessary, are to be unloaded and worn casually as if to give the impression that they are mere accessories, and not an essential tool to up the ante if required.

7. If, after boarding, there is the slightest hint of a raised voice the entire boarding party is to lay down its weapons and MOD F90, undress, and state:

“We, part of the evil Western Empire, are truly sorry that we have disturbed your gun running activity and would be grateful if you would transport us immediately to the nearest rogue state. You will be aware that under the Geneva Convention we are allowed to retain our Stonewall membership cards, our family (and by family we don’t just mean 2 +2, they come in all shapes and sizes) sized bag of dolly mixtures, and out iPod with downloadable Islamic chants and prayers, and would be grateful if you would respect this. In addition, permission to retain that nice propelling pencil that dear old Auntie Mavis gave me for Winterval last year would b appreciated.

8. Immediately, it is known that the boarding party has taken the sensible decision and surrendered, a General Naval Order is to be immediately issued ordering the entire fleet, including underwater assets, to make their way , at full speed, back to Portsmouth, where a vast array of counsellors will be waiting to provide the necessary support. They will remain there until the terms of surrender have been finalised between the Government of the Rogue State and the Media Operations Director of the BBC.

End of Revised Boarding Party Rules

Gordon Brown, our Viceroy-Elect, says “I am entirely content with this policy. However, I am not entirely comfortable with this ‘full speed’ direction, particularly as the price of oil is so high. I have therefore directed Lord Drayson and his world class procurement team to investigate ways, without compromising op effectiveness, of converting the Fleet to sail.

Not even a small nibble then? Good drills.
 
DeptX-MediaOps said:
Saw this on ARRSE. A little over the top perhaps.

http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/index.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=70289#1347520

REVISED NAVAL RULES OF ENGAGMENT

Following the 'Cornwall' incident, and the subsequent balanced enquiry and report, new ROE setting out protocols for the use of boarding parties have now been issued to the Fleet (the ships as well as the St).

These protocols have been put together following an extensive consultation exercise with not only the axis of evil, potted rogue states and global jihadists, but with the whole panoply of human rights organisations and home-grown dissidents.

The S of S for Defence stated â€These protocols ring in the dawn of a new age in dealing with asymmetric threat and are seen as a template for future strategic doctrinal development. They are an example of best practice and world class, and have already been adopted by the Easter Island Defence Force (R)

Rules For Naval Boarding Parties

1. No boarding party shall be assembled unless it comprises of a fully diverse, multi-faith, and multi-racial team, and must include as an absolute minimum, 1 x Muslim, 1 x lesbian, 1 x homosexual, 1 x disabled and 1 x transgendered person, with a diverse range of language skills including Farsi, Chinese, Indian, Filipino and Arabic (English is optional).

2. Each party shall be issued with a comprehensive suite of pre-recorded pro-jihadist, anti-Western programmes and leaflets, in a variety of formats including sound only versions for the visually impaired and Braille for the visually/aurally impaired. In addition each team must carry an audio loop. No member shall deploy unless he/she/it has received media ops trg.

3. No combat dress is to be worn as this can cause tensions when boarding. Jumpsuits, in non-threatening pastel shades shall be issued, with name badges prominently displayed both front and rear in Farsi and Arabic, with a raised font for those requiring Braille.

4. Badges of rank may be worn, however they are to be affixed with Velcro so they can easily be removed to give the impression that nobody is in charge, or swapped so the best person can take charge.

5. Before undertaking any boarding a sound risk assessment is first to be undertaken. AWACS will be deployed (taking care to ensure that it remains at a safe distance from any potential threat) to assess the risk. If there is the slightest indication that there is the slightest risk the operation is to be called off immediately and handed over to the Health & Safety Executive for action. In any event no boarding party must launch without signed authority from the S of S for Defence. If the ocean is the slightest bit choppy, or any of the team subject to sea-sickness, the boarding is to be immediately cancelled.

6. Boarding is to be carried out in a non-threatening non-judgemental way and care must be taken not to stereotype when conducting a sensitive search of the boat. Weapons, if they are deemed necessary, are to be unloaded and worn casually as if to give the impression that they are mere accessories, and not an essential tool to up the ante if required.

7. If, after boarding, there is the slightest hint of a raised voice the entire boarding party is to lay down its weapons and MOD F90, undress, and state:

“We, part of the evil Western Empire, are truly sorry that we have disturbed your gun running activity and would be grateful if you would transport us immediately to the nearest rogue state. You will be aware that under the Geneva Convention we are allowed to retain our Stonewall membership cards, our family (and by family we don’t just mean 2 +2, they come in all shapes and sizes) sized bag of dolly mixtures, and out iPod with downloadable Islamic chants and prayers, and would be grateful if you would respect this. In addition, permission to retain that nice propelling pencil that dear old Auntie Mavis gave me for Winterval last year would b appreciated.

8. Immediately, it is known that the boarding party has taken the sensible decision and surrendered, a General Naval Order is to be immediately issued ordering the entire fleet, including underwater assets, to make their way , at full speed, back to Portsmouth, where a vast array of counsellors will be waiting to provide the necessary support. They will remain there until the terms of surrender have been finalised between the Government of the Rogue State and the Media Operations Director of the BBC.

End of Revised Boarding Party Rules

Gordon Brown, our Viceroy-Elect, says “I am entirely content with this policy. However, I am not entirely comfortable with this ‘full speed’ direction, particularly as the price of oil is so high. I have therefore directed Lord Drayson and his world class procurement team to investigate ways, without compromising op effectiveness, of converting the Fleet to sail.

Not even a small nibble then? Good drills.
 
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