HMS Cornwall - Inquiry leak!


Can you imagine the sense of impending doom that must be pervading through the corridors of Whitehall at the moment, with Lt General Rob Fulton due to report on his enquiry into the HMS CORNWALL fiasco on the 15th of June? From what I recall he isn't the sort of bloke to take prisoners (excuse the pun) and my spies tell me that you can't find a copy of Country Life anywhere inside the M25 because they're all currently stuffed down various Admirals and senior Civil Servants pants!

But as interesting as that may be, I was more intriqued by the other enquiry commissioned by Des Brown into access by the media to personnel involved in operations. I was particulary fascinated by the appointment of Tony Hall, Chief Exec of the Royal Opera House and Board member of Channel 4 (God help us), to lead the enquiry. 'Now this is a piece of classic New Labour.' I thought to myself and couldn't resist doing a bit of digging. And guess what? It turns out that an oppo of an oppo has a floosy who's best friends with the girl who's sleeping with chap who does the PA to Tony Hall's hair. Or something along those lines. Anyway, without going into too much detail, I've managed to get a sneak preview into a line or two from his executive summary and since I know it won't go any further I don't mind sharing it with you. Trust me, it makes fascinating reading .....

Therefore the Enquiry concludes that far from restricting military personel from engaging with members of the press, they should be postiviely encouraged. We live in era where the public's attitude for reality television appears limitless and there is no good reason why this should not be exploited fully in order to shape public opinion and justify government policy. The Military clearly have a role to play in this strategy and the Board of Enquiry considers that the political fall out from the HMS CORNWALL incident could have been significantly reduced if public sympathy had been harnessed in a more creative way. The Enquiry noted the speed with which the Iranians exploited the power of television, and by doing so not only gained the propaganda advantage over HMG, but increased domestic sales of Ayatolla non-alcoholic Lager by an estimated 60% and viewing figures for the popular Iranian soap Eastfacers by 45%. It is the recommendation of this Enquiry, therefore, that military personnel begin to adopt the performing arts as part of their routine training for conduct after capture. It also seems reasonable to expect that Officers would have the ability perform to a higher and more cultured standard than non commisioned personnel. To put this into context, the officer in charge of the HMS CORNWALL boarding party should have been able to provide his international audience with a more entertaining presentation of his capture in the style of HMS PINNAFORE. Rather than simply whinging about it, the rating named Mr Bean by the Iranians could have given a far more realistic comic representation of his namesake and the young female rating was less than convincing in her portrayal of a young Elsie Tanner from Coronation Street complete with fag and headscarf. Even given their lack of training in the classics, it is felt that the captured RN personnel could have used their time more profitably than by playing ping-pong all day. Had they done so, their somewhat lacklustre public statements on arrival back in the UK could have been sung as a group to the melody of that popular modern classic Bohemian Rhapsody .......

Is this the real life-

Is this just fantasy-
Caught by a Boghammer-
Now I'll never make it back for tea-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-

There go the Wafoos, they've got no sympathy
Because they're easy come, easy go-
A little high, a little low
They'll still get flying pay, it doesn't really matter to them -
To them.

Buffer, just lost a RIB,
They put a gun against my head,
'Give em your IPOD.' The Killick said.
Buffer, my taskbook was nearly done.
And now I've gone and blown my boat handling day.

Skipper, oooooo
Didn't mean to make you cry,
If we're not back on board this time tomorrow-
You'll be glum, you'll be glum. And your career will be in tatters.

Too late, my turn has come,
Sends shivers down my spine-
I'm on camera all the time.
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go -
Gotta leave you all behind and read the news.

Mummy. ooooooo
I don't want to die,
I sometimes wish I'd never even joined at all -

I see a little silhouetto of a man
Ayatolla, Ayatolla, can I have a new suit please?
Saachi and Saachi. very, very pampering indeed.

Galileo, galileo
Galileo, galileo
Galileo, GPS not so magnifico- ooooo

He's was a poor boy and nobody loved him-
He was a poor boy from a poor family
Now he is rich thanks to publicity.

Easy come, easy go, will you let me sell
Bismillah! no, we will not let you sell
Let him sell
Bismillah! no we will not let him sell
Will not let you sell
Will not let you sell
No, no, no, no, no, no,

Media ops, media ops, media ops, let him go
Des Brown's a chump, has Max Hastings put aside a sum for me, for me, for me ---

So you think the press can stone me and spit in my eye-
So you think you can poorly advise me and leave me to die-
Oh Navy, can't do this to me Navy.
An enquiry will get me out, an enquiry will get me right out of here.

Nothing really matters
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters, nothing really matters to Tony,
Anyway the publicity wind blows ......


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