Help, what is the best way to kill a dog?

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Montigny-La-Palisse, Mar 8, 2011.

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  1. It turns out that the old dude at the end of the road's dog is dying of cancer. The old bloke has absolutely no money and has been quoted £135 to have the thing put to sleep.

    Firstly, I hate that fucking dog, it's a cunt and shits out of it's cancerous arsehole all over the place and barks all the time, I'm glad it's dying. Secondly, as much as I like it's owner I'm not forking out to have the stinking old twat put out of it's misery (the dog not the neighbour).

    So the old dude has asked me for some help, as I have stated, I hate the dog so am looking forward to doing some fine neighbourly work. However, he wants to be there for the murder so I can't have any fun and drag it out.

    How do I do it then? Shoot it? Smash it's head in with a spade? Drown it? Feed it bleach?

    I had to kill a cat once by snapping it's neck but I'm not sure I could do that to the dog. It's fucking massive.
     
  2. chieftiff

    chieftiff War Hero Moderator

    Plastic bag, head....... no mess, quick, cheap, apart from some brief struggling job jobbed.

    If you use a large thick bin liner it even doubles up as a disposal system. I've been planning this for a while, my stinking deaf, blind old mutt is determined to outlive me.......... little does he know his days are numbered.
     
  3. Monty I do sympathise with your predicament, and your sincere empathy with the muts owner. there are several avenues open to you depending how much satisfaction you desire as payment in kind for doing this kindly act.
    Shooting the dog could be misconscrued as random gunfire and gang related in your neck of the woods and would result in Plods Armed Response, so not really recommended. Spade is a bit overkill and likely to result in psychological damage to the dogs owner. ( Too much blood)
    My solution buy a steak....find a homosexual donkey. When said dog bends down to eat the steak, donkey will "roger" said dog.
    Result....One happy but deceased dog, one thoroughly happy donkey, and one happy old man.
    Solution Two. PDSA downside no personal satisfaction, but they wont charge
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2011
  4. I knew I could rely on sound advice from RumRation.

    I'm not sure the plastic bag option will work, the dog could be entered in the Cheltenham gold cup it's that fucking big, I'm not convinced my elderly neighbour would be too pleased with having to watch twelve 3 minute rounds of man V beast conducted on the precariously muddy lawn out the front of his house. Whilst for the willing spectator it might prove somewhat enjoyable, there is a good chance I might get proper fucked and then where would we be eh? I'd be dead, the dog would still have cancer and old man empty wallet would have no dog executioner.

    Shooting is out anyway, I'm not allowed a firearm after that drinking incident I'm not allowed to talk about on here, plus Trelawney you are right, the fuzz would descend on us in minutes. Not only that, I'm a rubbish shot. I tried to shoot my brother once and ended up in Cumbria Infirmary having a thumb re-attached.

    The donkey thing could be a goer, only problem is I'm not flush with bent equidae and wouldn't be that sure of where to find one. It's hard enough getting into the local gay nightclub as a straightlord so I doubt they let animals in. Although I'm sure I saw a hamster in there once whilst doing that homosexual research thing I once did.

    The PDSA can fuck off. I had a falling out with them when they knocked on my door and asked me for money to sponsor a dog, I said I would but only if I could rename it Arsehat. That episode ended up a draw.

    Some conundrum this.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2011
  5. Monty,

    i would glady pay the money to have the dog put down humanely........

    but only on the priviso that i can put its owner out of his misery with a cold mess tin for not clearing up after his shitting dog
     
  6. To be fair he is about 1,756,867.8 years old and spends 70% of his time in a wheelchair. I think if he tried to pick up the dogshit he'd just fall out and lay in it whilst swearing profusely. He does normally clean up after it but the occasional dogmine slips through the net.

    In fact that has given me an idea. I'll buy one of those plastic dog eggs and distract the Mekon by saying "clean that shit up Grandad". Whilst he's rolling around on the floor I can lop the dogs head off with the rusty kukri that's been sitting in my shed that my own crazy Grandad gave me, a-la Apocolypse now.

    I'll blame it on broken Britain and niggers, he'll be happy with that.
     
  7. Mate I just asked my girl friend being in the medical profession and she came up with the idea of an over dose of pain killers. Silent but deadly.
     
  8. Here's my advice, when a greyhound is getting lazy and costs you alot of money on the race track, the mutt is then placed into the owners vehicle, the owners favourite cd is put on the stereo, loudly and sang along too. When reaching 100mph on the outside lane of a lorry filled motorway the back door of the van is opened and the sleeping four legged loser gets tossed out, killed on impact of the tarmac then squashed and disintregated by the arctic lorry alongside in the middle lane. (apparently anyway, you wouldn't catch me doing any of the above :angel2:)!

    so could the motorway job be an option? no mess on your hands, the owner is listening and singing to his favourite golden oldies and you could always throw him out too.. when you reach a secluded spot that is.
     
  9. The SAS just back from Lybia are looking for work, try them.
     
  10. jockpopeye

    jockpopeye Badgeman Book Reviewer

    Get hold of a bigger dog and then get it to eat the dog that you want rid of.

    Alternatively the RSPCA would probably do it for free.
     
  11. Stage one visit your Unit PTI and book out 1 pair cricket pads, helmet, box and bat a ball as well to complete the scene. Visit DIY shop and purchase SOCO type overalls. That's you kitted out with your bodily protection.
    Stage two visit your local woods with shovel, pick and sundry other tools, dig shallow grave.
    Propose to the owner that you take the mutt on a 'long walk' in the woods.
    Tie beast to a tree with a short lead, so as to restrict it's movement, near shallow grave and then don protective gear, twat beast rapidly on it's head with bat until death ensues. Kick body several times to ensure it's dead.
    Untie leash and tip body into grave, remove protective gear and then fill in grave disguise with leaves etc. Remove SOCO suit and return home destroy Soco suit and then return Cricket kit to PTI, having washed off any blood, brains etc.
    Take a 12 bore along just in case.
    Or chuck a ball that's been marinated in raw steak juices onto a busy highway just as a bus or other heavy vehicle approaches.
    But seriously Is there not a SPCA or Blue Cross nearby who'd be willing to do it for a donation
     
  12. Probably, but I doubt they'd help me. I'm not allowed to ring them ever again.
     
  13. Bit boring but find a ball find a cliff, throw the ball high in the air so the dog looks at the ball in sky not the end of the road so to speak, dog falls, good and proper fucked, the owner won't have to see any mess at the end (unless he wants to climb down the cliff) plus epic YouTube video for us to watch.
     
  14. jockpopeye

    jockpopeye Badgeman Book Reviewer

    Why not try humiliating it until it dies of shame, and as the light in its big brown dog eyes goes dim, cradle it gently and whisper "It's alright little mate...
    ... you're coming back as a cat / poop scoop / member of the RAF (delete as appropriate)! Har har har."
     
  15. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Serious answer, if you know a gamekeeper ask him to put it down, plenty of space to bury it is usually also available
     
  16. Take it to the pdsa or Rspca and they will do it .
    Thing is the old guy is going to have mental problems 'cos his pet is not going to be there any more. So if you arrange the deed
    old guy will be on your back and it will be all your fault.

    So --ring or inform the Pdsa /Rspca and give them the guys address -tell them the dog is needing medication or putting down.
    You will then be clear of 'my dogs dead ' accusations !

    G
     
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