Navy Net - Royal Navy Community

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Health & Safety on a Submarine

TonyN

Newbie
On board HMS Vulnerable Somewhere in the north Atlantic 00.43hrs Zulu time. The giant sub had been sitting 40 metres below the churning waves for eight straight hours. The crew were edgy, nervous, sweaty, knowing that the fate of the nation and the free world was being discussed in the skipper's wardroom. The order to fire the boat's nuclear weapons deep into the heart of enemy territory had been received and authenticated at 08.00hrs. But now it was gone midnight and still the missiles were in their tubes.

Behind the oak-panelled door of his cabin, Captain Clint Thrust was listening wearily to his health and safety executive officer, Nigel Ormskirk, who had read the risk assessment form and was not satisfied.

"Captain, you say here that these missiles contain plutonium and you are proposing that we detonate them over a city. Do you not realise people could be hurt here?"

Twenty-five-year-old Ormskirk had left Keele University with a third in human resources, having impressed the examiners with his paper on the perils of hand and arm vibration injuries among stone masons. Since being posted to the sub fleet, he had chalked up a number of successes, chief among which was changing his boat's name from HMS Vanquish to HMS Vulnerable. He was particularly proud of his 1997 "Be Seen" campaign after which the sub had not hit a single trawler. Thrust, the gnarled old salty sea dog captain, had objected, of course, saying the point of a submarine was rather lost if it was bright orange and had to spend its entire time on the surface. But what did he know.

"You see," Ormskirk was saying . . . But a shrill beep from the PA system cut him off: "Con. Sonar. Contact bearing 270 degrees. It's a destroyer, sir, and it's coming right at us." Thrust keyed the mike. "Stay calm, people. We've plenty of air cover. They can take care of this."

On board the aircraft carrier HMS Weak Somewhere near the Vulnerable 00.47hrs Zulu Time. Veteran pilot Jack Kill simply could not believe what he was being told by the Weak's health and safety officer, Ron Stapleford. "This is a Harrier GR7," he screamed. "What do you mean by saying the wings don't look long enough?" "I'm just saying," said Ron in his Brummie drawl, "that with all those bombs and missiles, it really doesn't look very safe." "Look," said Kill. "We've just got word from the Vulnerable that she's under attack. I have to get out there with my cargo of death. I must spit fire into that enemy ship or the war will be lost and your children will grow up speaking Russian." "Don't worry," said Ron. "Ormskirk's on the Vulnerable. He's a good man. He'll make sure they're safe."

On board the Vulnerable somewhere in the north Atlantic 00.55hrs Zulu time The depth charges were raining down, sending the orange sub reeling from side to side. Thrust was barking orders to the helmsman: "Flood tubes one and four." "Sorry, sir," said the burly helmsman. "New regulations from health and safety. After the Herald of Free Enterprise disaster, the doors have been welded shut."
"Oh, for Christ's sake," yelled Thrust as yet another depth charge hammered the hull. "Where's Ormskirk?"

He was in the galley, a look of abject horror on his face: "For crying out loud. How many times do I have to tell you people that you must not store meat and dairy products in the same fridge. Do you want to have tummy ache?"

Before they could answer, an enormous explosion ripped the propeller from its mountings and a wall of freezing sea water spurted into the engine room. "Close all hatches," yelled Thrust over the PA system. Oh no, thought Ormskirk. Some of the men have boyfriends back there. They must be allowed to try to save them.

Back in the engine room, the trapped men were trying to open the hatch to get out before the north Atlantic claimed yet another teenage soul. Some were screaming. Some were praying. Some were struggling with the latch. But each and every one breathed a sigh of relief when the man from health and safety appeared at the window. "Do you need counselling?" he said. "No," they shouted. "We want you to open this hatch. It can only be done from the outside." "Yes," said Ormskirk, "that's a valid safety point and I'll be sure to file a report when we get back." "Open the bloody thing," they shouted. "I can't," said Ormskirk. "You know as well as I do that it's a two-man job. I could crick my back if I tried to do it on my own."

But then he had an idea. He opened a secure channel to Thrust. "Captain: there are men back here in water that's 4oC colder than we recommend. I order you to surrender."

............
Gulag 43 Siberia, Russia - Three months later.

It was a grey, misty morning and silence hung over the prison yard like an old dishcloth as Nigel Ormskirk was tied to the bullet-ridden post.

"Ready," screamed the Russian execution party leader. "Take aim . . . "

"Hold on a minute," said Nigel. "You aren't allowed to use loaded weapons unless there's a trained armourer on the . . ."

"Fire!."
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
MoD_RSS LLWR's outstanding health and safety record recognised at RoSPA awards MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Delivering on health, safety and justice in Kosovo MoD News 0
MoD_RSS New animal and plant health safety rules coming into force in December MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Gold No.14 for LLWR at national health and safety awards MoD News 0
MoD_RSS News story: Health and Safety Manager - MAIB, Southampton MoD News 0
Sgt Jobsearch Senior Health & Safety Project Lead - Wyton - £47,000 + Benefits The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
BFRS NEBOSH National General Certificate in Occupational Health and Safety The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
DemobJob Health and Safety Coordinator (Nebosh) - Croydon The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
DemobJob Head of Health & Safety - London - £475 to £500 per day The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
Sgt Jobsearch Technical Health & Safety Manager - North Yorkshire - £Competitive + Car Allowance The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
Sgt Jobsearch Health Safety Quality & Environmental Officer - Berkshire - £Negotiable + Benefits The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
BFRS NEBOSH National Certificate in Construction Health & Safety The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
BFRS NEBOSH National Certificate in Construction Health and Safety The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
BFRS NEBOSH National Certificate in Construction Health and Safety The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
BFRS Nebosh national general certificate in health & safety The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
Topstop Aircraft health an safety The Corps 1
ForcesJobShop Employment Opportunity: Group Health & Safety Manager The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
ForcesJobShop Employment Opportunity: Contract Health & Safety Project The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
ForcesJobShop Employment Opportunity: Health and Safety Noise Reduction The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
Naval_Gazer Health and safety defeats Marines who tackled Somali pirates The Corps 1
ForcesJobShop Employment Opportunity: Project Health Safety and Enviroment Manager The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
ForcesJobShop Employment Opportunity: Regional Environmental, Health & Safety Advisor The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
ForcesJobShop Employment Opportunity: Health & Safety Consultant The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
Rigsby No more health and Safety.......Grrrreat! Sports and Adventure Training 2
O 380bm Health & Safety Consultant The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
O 380bm Health & Safety Consultant The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
MoD_RSS UK to strengthen its ethical approach to the international recruitment of health and care workers MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Letter from the Health and Social Care Secretary on COVID-19 vaccination in people with learning disabilities MoD News 0
MoD_RSS British Embassy strengthens health response efforts to tackle COVID-19 in Sololá MoD News 0
MoD_RSS New legislation to address the plant health threat posed by Xylella MoD News 0
MoD_RSS The most vulnerable and health and care workers offered COVID-19 jab as government hits target to protect those most at risk MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Tribute to Dame Fiona Caldicott from the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Health and Social Care Secretary Matt Hancock on proposals for a Health and Care Bill MoD News 0
MoD_RSS The future of health and care MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Strengthening our health protection at the border MoD News 0
MoD_RSS New review into use of health data for research and analysis MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Health and Social Care Secretary's statement on coronavirus (COVID-19): 8 February 2021 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Prime Minister appoints Dr. Alex George as Youth Mental Health Ambassador MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Health and Social Care Secretary's statement on coronavirus (COVID-19): 1 February 2021 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Tougher border controls to protect public health MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Reinvigorating our system for international health MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Health and Social Care Secretary's statement on coronavirus (COVID-19): 25 January 2021 MoD News 0
Klanky67 Mental Health Nurse Joining the Royal Navy 15
MoD_RSS Health and Social Care Secretary's statement on coronavirus (COVID-19): 18 January 2021 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Financial health notice to improve: Birmingham Metropolitan College MoD News 0
MoD_RSS We must bring the Mental Health Act into the 21st century MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Lord Chancellor: It’s time for action on mental health in prisons MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Landmark reform of mental health laws MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Health and Social Care Secretary's statement on coronavirus (COVID-19): 11 January 2021 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS UK launches Global Health Insurance Card MoD News 0
Similar threads


















































Top