Hats off to Admiral of the Fleet Prince Philip, who turns 85 today. The man's a national treasure...
The all time classics
"Where did you get that hat?" (1953)
To his wife the Queen, immediately after her coronation
"British women can't cook." (1966)
"The bastards murdered half my family.." (1967)
When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union
"What do you gargle with - pebbles?" (1969)
Said to Tom Jones after the The Royal Variety Performance.
"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." (1981)
Said during the 1981 recession.
"You must be out of your minds.." (1982)
To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth was 5% a year.
"You are a woman, aren't you?" (1984)
Said in Kenya, to a native woman who had presented him with a small gift.
"If you stay here much longer you'll all get slitty eyed." (1986)
Said to British students in China.
"If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine the Cantonese will eat it." (1986)
Said at a World Wildlife Fund meeting.
"Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species in the world." (1991)
Said in Thailand, after accepting a conservation award.
"You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly." (1993)
Said to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary.
"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" (1994)
Said to an islander in the Cayman Islands.
"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" (1995)
Said to a driving instructor in Scotland.
"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" (1996)
Said amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting.
"You managed not to get eaten, then?" (1998)
Said to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea.
"It looks like it was put in by Indians." (1999)
Said after he saw a poorly constructed fusebox.
"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." (1999)
Said to young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school's steel band.
"Do you still throw spears at each other?" (2002)
To an Aboriginal man on Australia's Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park.
"You were playing your instruments, weren't you? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?" (2002)
Said to a children's band in Australia.
"Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" (2002)
Said to a blind woman with a guide dog.
"If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.." (2002)
Commenting during the Jubilee tour.
"The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism we could stop the congestion.." (2002)
Commenting on the London traffic debate, after mayor Ken Livingstone launched his plan to charge motorists Â£5 to enter the city.
"French cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent English breakfast.." (2002)
"It doesn't look like much work goes on at this University" (2005)
Overheard at Bristol University's BLADE (Bristol Laboratory for Advanced Dynamic Engineering) facility, which had been closed in order that he and the Queen could officially open it
"You look like you're ready for bed!"
Said to the President of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional robes.
"Never pass up a chance to go to the loo or to take a poo."
When asked his secret for dealing with public appearances
"If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!"
"And what exotic part of the world do you come from?"
Said to Lord Taylor of Warwick, who is black, who replied "Birmingham"
"Best start shedding a few pounds then"
Said to a fat boy who said his ambition was to become an astronaut
"Are you sure you want to go through with this?"
To Jomo Kenyatta, at Kenya's independence, as the Union Jack was being lowered for the last time.