H&S and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by sgtpepperband, Dec 4, 2009.

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  1. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Jingle Bells

    Dashing through the snow
    In a one horse open sleigh
    O'er the fields we go
    Laughing all the way

    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

    While Shepherds Watched

    While shepherds watched
    Their flocks by night
    All seated on the ground
    The angel of the Lord came down
    And glory shone around


    The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd
    observation huts.
    Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

    Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw him,
    you would even say it glows.


    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


    Little Donkey

    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

    The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled “little†and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment
    upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


    We Three Kings


    We three kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star


    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
    We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

    The Rocking Song

    Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
    We will lend a coat of fur,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you:


    Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

    Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


    Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed

    Social services???????
     
  2. Funny as fcuk but I dare say the time may come when these points will be considered :wink:
     
  3. Totally agree lmfao, but don't give the bastards any ideas! :lol:
     
  4. Nice Try SPB but to be honest in todays health and safety society your measures do not really take all things into consideration.

    Jingle Bells:

    Jingle bells by the very nature of the title would indicate both a noise hazard and also small metal type objects would need to be fully secured if to be suitable for purpose.

    Ear protection would need to be issued to said passengers.


    While shepherds watched.

    If said huts are provided with central heating then suitable ventilation must be considered. Also a smoking area iaw current regulations would need to be provided. Could the shepherd be considered a "lone worker"?. More risk assessments and safe working practices required. The angel of the lord will need to have been thouroughy briefed on "working at heights".


    Rudolph the Red Nosed Raindeer.

    Should immediately be made aware of medical facilites available to him or her. They may also require eye protection from glare.


    Little Donkey.

    I find your assumptions that said Donkey is a male most unsatisfactory.
    Both Mary and Joseph would need to ensure that a reasonble supply of fluids are available given the dusty nature of the journey. Given that the donkey is indicated to be carrying a heave load I would insist that both Mary and Joseph complete a manual handling course suitable to loads being carried (both the weight and the nature of the load).


    We Three Kings.

    Given the distances travelled the Kings concerned would at some stage need to dispose of the camel excrement. Correct PPE (gloves and breathing aparatus if required) to be issued and instructions for the correct disposal of Hazardous waste to be followed.
    COSHH regulations regading the presents would also need to be adhered to.


    The Rocking Song.

    Any person required to Rock said infant would need to ensure that any rocking devices have the correct guards fitted. If "manual" rocking is to occurr then once again, correct lifting techniques would need to be applied and rocking is to be of a limited duration in order to avoid RSI.

    Away in a manger

    The phrase no crib for a bed would indicate as such that the room itself is devoid of furnature and therfore at this time is of no concern for the Health and Safety Executive.

    General Note: All personnel issued with PPE are to be instructed in both correct use and maintainence of said PPE. They are to be aware of where to exchange damaged PPE and issued with their own correct stowage space for said PPE.



    NEBOSH - I've Sh1t it !!
     

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