Guardsman are NOBS !

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by funkycook62, Aug 8, 2009.

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  1. tHE fIRST AND lAST Matelot Chef at ST James palace ?
    I never Understood why all those Red coat donkeys walked half a mile around the Square at Wellington Barracks to get to the Mess "

    Well I found out ? Current Bun in one hand and a Wet in the other Woody and me strolled straight across Her majestys Drill square on alovely sunny Morning in 84! Never Knew that the RSM had sutch a deep Voice and still couldnt work out what swing your Clucking arms would acheive while carrying my paper and tea ! amazing what telling a 7ft tall Guards Warrant officer to [email protected]@k OFF does for moral " Some Navy Traditions never change . :D
  2. funkycook62 , That OD who told me to "go ferk myself" is still in orbit at whaleIsland, :D ,and that was in 89, 8)

    Ps,I wonder how many times he has gone around that parade ground, :D
  3. We used to carry a few of the Guardsmen onboard the Brilliant 81.
    I managed to get a driving course at their barracks in Catterham 2nd Battalion.
    As a PO, it was like living like royalty. Got in trouble with the RSM for cleaning my shoes and making my own bed. the WO & Sgt messman had complained! He could trace his families history back to the formation of the guards at Coldstream. The senior person in the mess decided on what time the mess bar closed! Several times it fell to me! even though I was really a guest. They have a wierd system of ranks and their corporals wear sergeants stripes and are in effect "Lance Sergeants". They did look after me and dining alone with all the mess silver was certainly a change from dining in a type 22 :D
  4. Did a photographic course at whale Island way back.

    Dolly Grey and myself walked across the parade square, loud bellow from gunnery officer threatening us with lots of indecent actions if we didn't double.

    Dolly - quick as lightening hoisted camera into position and shouted back "hold that position - great - stay there" turned to me and said 'leg-it'.

    We ran back to the phot section and shot into the dark room reckoning we would be safe in there. Wrong!!!!

    After a severe bollocking and an order for several 10 x 8's we walked free.

    Dolly was an ex killick gunner so I thought he would have known better. (Bar steward) :lol: :lol:
  5. nah" sorry can better that one " Got 21 days Detention for Sticking my arse out the Cooks mess window at DRYAD at a Squad of WRNS marching past .

    Fuck knows i thought how the WRN officer in charge new it was me untill the Jossman Told the Skipper at Puns" she Recognised the tatoos on my arse " :D
  6. Fuck me ! aint you drunk on that Grape shite yet ! :lol:
  7. Just before the FI conflict myself along with about 80 other assorted rates of the RN MEdical Branch were billeted with the Household Cavalry in Combermere Bks in Windsor.If you think thre Guards were odd then the HC were even odder,the had no Sergeants,only Corporals,Corps Of Horse,Corp Majors,their stripes were upside down starting with 3 and ending with 4!The had this thing called "Revallie" all the brown jobs leapt out of their pits dressed(crabby bastards) and headed off to the "Cookhouse"Jack meanwhile awaited "Call the Hands",eventually we pissed of the Corporal Major to the extent that they sent to Excellent for a tape of Pipes for us.They aslo had a thing called "First Parade",this caused much merriment ti Jack who stood about amazed at the brown jobs check the Ambulances untill an irate rupert turned up and explained to us just what "First Parade" meant.So we all set about checking the Medical kits,right down to individual sticking plasters,after that we were excused "First Parade" :D :D :D :D
  8. yep " cannot agree more ! weird types the OLD GUARDS REGMT . no sense of Humour " i only Shat in the SGT Of the Guards Bearskin once " well i found if Hysterical when he put it on ? :wink:
  9. Glasgow, Amsterdam. Our affiliated regiment were the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, so we had a few onboard for the jolly.
    An organised trip to the Heineken Brewery began with us on the bus dressed in our finery.
    You should have seen what the Pongo Ruperts had on. I asked one of the 2nd Lts what the feck his riding crop was for, and did his tank respond to a gentle tap or a hard thrashing, to much hilarity.
    His response was that he used it to gee up "you other ranks"
    Understandably I objected to his tone, and threatened to stick it up his dark and dirty, to make him look even more ridiculous than his pantomime uniform already made him.
    Meanwhile, Jack was rolling in the aisles.
    The situation was saved by his comrades dragging him into his seat and telling him to wind his neck in.
  10. :D :lol: best wishes Steve
  11. I remember our run ashore guest of the cloggie booties. In the days of flower power make love not war and don't fecking work was also in that category. The flower children used to visit Heineken daily for their free tipple and the endless cheese straws offered on the table. There food and drink for the day.

    Remember the septic civvie tourists commentin on the brits being escorted to the front of the Q.
  12. 83 and I was part of the Royal Guard in London, though relegated to standby squad because of zits.
    Whilst the remaining 100 or so matelots were standing stiff in front of HM somewhere, we were sent to Chelsea Barracks for a pair of hours and found ourselves sat in their empty NAFFI, soon to become swelled with 100's of green people. Then came our recall to get the bus back.
    As we stood up in our gold badge suits c/w white webbing, the entire British army (or so it seemed) went silent and stared. Gulp..!
    Then as we made our way out the canteen and across the P/square the torrent of whistles and jeers was unreal.
    Now you can either look a cnut or 'go with it'. Us three decided to 'go with it' and minced in an exaggerated fashion across the square. This entertained them no-end, cheering and clapping. Phew..!
  13. Seen it " heard it bought the TSHIRT " and were still better than all these Butlins Rejects put together " mind you dont think wed all be welcome back down the Kings road again . 20 of us after Trafalgar Day at Admiralty arch went for tea down the Kings road Pizza hut as they were having one of those all ya kan eat buffets " after 4 hours of us all scoffing all there grub they chucked us out ! so Ferk it we pick up the salad bar and walk it straight out the Restuarant window Fuckers " lol :D
  14. That's the spirit.

    Vandalism's always the answer eh?
  15. you cant spoil a Good Buffet mate ? 8O
  16. Back in 83 I was accommodated in Chelsea Barracks for the night, as I was going to a Memorial Service at St. Paul's the following day. On the day in question, I was making my way in easterly direction across this vast barren area of tarmac and could not help noticing all these Pongos chopping off salutes to a far corner. I couldn't see any thing worth a salute so I carried on making my way to the NAAFI. When all of a sudden I heard this shout "you there - that sailor!" Now being dressed in Nos 1 and being the only matelot currently walking across the parade ground, I quickly came to the conclusion that I must the object of his attention!
    Turning around, this Guards Officer came marching up and proceed to give me a dressing down for not saluting him when he was across the parade from me. I replied that that in the RN we do not salute anything greater than 6 paces away and besides I could not see his rank as it was camouflaged! At this I saluted him and march off in proper Naval fashion. Not wounder half the Pongos are sniper trained - they need eyes of hawks to spot a officer at a 1,000 paces!
  17. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Guards Officers are the fecking worst of all Officers. Being an Army type of person, i have come across these fcukwitted imbeciles quite a lot. Some one told me that they mean well. Mind you, so did Hitler according to some.

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