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Great Spoofs I have Known (now with pictures)

whilst on Sovereign 4 years ago we were exercising with a skimmer and we got the idea for an Submarine Underwater Escape and Rescue, so the Ships Office (me) was told to issue a Temporary Memorandum asking for volunteers for this, they were going to conduct a rush escape from 60m and get picked up by said skimmer and spend the day pishing it up with them. we had several volunteers including a POWEA Horsebreath a stoker who i will call harvey (cos he looks like Jordans son, you know who you are) and an RO. anyway these lads who volunteered had to make their way to the Aft Esc Platform where they were dressed in white ovies and had to to do aptitude tests like touching their nose with their fingers whilst their eyes were shut and having a bucket over their head and breathing in it. all the while the MEO is taking phots of them before they were handed a certificate for completing 'Submarine Underwater Escape and Rescue' or as we knew it SUCER.

also we done the old Duty Fish Batterer who would muster under the conning tower when we were ready to surface dressed in a dry bag and usual with a fork with a battery attached all this to kill the fish and sharks in the fin before the CO arrived.

happy daze
 
Piping the Duty WEM(L) MEM(L) to change the channel on the telly was a flash in the making.

As was the stores request for a new box of sparks for the grinder.

Heard various Phalanx/Goalkeeper jockey spoofs, varying degress of success, from full flight kit + goggs, to Baby Dabber being maskered to it!!

Edited 'cos I'm thick and can't remember the difference between MEM(L), MEM(M), WEM(R) & WEM(O).
 
Working in Victory Barracks (In the MSO), I had the thrilling extra task of rolling off Daily Orders. Got a bit hacked off one day and added an extra paragraph. Back then, we were "mates" with the Iranians (those who slept 2-to-a-bed!), so I duly added a paragraph informing everyone that Victory Barracks had been sold to the Iranian Military and would be used as their "base" in the UK...and would everyone please report to the (then) MACCO, for re-billeting around the various shore establishments...Vernon, Collingrad etc.....watched out of the window as people bimbled to the Macco to make enquiries - Lots of Scribes/LREGS/RPO's telling everyone to f**k off as no such event was in the pipeline. When cross-examined by CPOWTR....claimed absolute innocence as "all I did was duplicate what I was given Chief!". Much witch-hunting in the Macco, searching for un-f***ing-happy Scribbler, but no evidence found - case closed.
Macco took on own responsibility for doing Daily Orders after that, which pleased me no end. :biggrin:
 
Some part 3's "knew it all" and we had one of them on Cachalot! Somewhere in darkest Scotland one wild and windy night, as we approached our buoy, he was detailed off as "Buoy Jumper" in order to connect the shore telephone line, and was told that the required safety equipment was "Ovvies" with a lifejacket and Plimsoles (for added grip). As he didn't have any pumps, and no-one had any to lend him, he was advised to wrap gash bags around his steaming boots, secured by Pussers masking tape.
As we approached the said buoy, he was duly summoned to the casing, and looked terrified as he noticed the dark outline of the buoy bobbing around - each time the boat rode up on a wave, the buoy went down, and vice versa - you know the drill!
It was only after several nerve wracking minutes that the "bite" became apparent, and he was recalled below to be greeted by the entire crews round of applause!
 
It was make and mend on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of the Indian Ocean. 1967, Flat calm, clear blue sky. A few hundred matelots were laying around on towels on the flight deck of the Victorious on bronzy-bronzy routine.

Over the horizon came a small smoking dot that expanded rapidly into a Vulcan. It overflew the flightdeck at about 1,000 feet. Impressive.

It began to circle the carrier. The skipper was in contact with the crew, and patched through the conversation so we could all hear.

"Any chance of a go at your mirror landing gear?" the RAF pilot asked.

The skipper agreed, and had it turned on. It was a flat calm so no point in turning into wind. We watched as the Vulcan flew away to the horizon, climbed a bit, then turned for the approach. The RAF pilot was doing an impressive job. He even lowered his gynormous flaps and undercarriage. It was only when he broadcast, "Finals. Three greens." that panic set in. Semi-naked bodies dived into the nets as the Vulcan came swooping over the angled deck with its huge starboard wing just a few feet above the island and aerials.

It retracted the undercarriage, and raised the flaps. The pilot stood it on its tail right in front of the carrier, and with a deafening roar that rattled teeth, climbed almost vertically until it was out of sight.

I bet the RAF still laugh at that one.

RAF 1. FAA 0.
 
Landed in Albany southwest of Australia on the way to Perth,some joker put a notice on the board requesting people to go on a kangeroo shoot to reduce the buggers.
Half the ships company put their name down as they wanted to kill something!
Yes!one was me until someone with a bit more savvy put this OD in the wise mode.
Good laugh though.
 
Not a *Spoof* as such, but it reinforces Jacks somewhat perverted sense of humour.

Basic training in Raleigh in 1969-70, Nozzer classes where playing the obligitary sports. After getting through three-quarters of a game of football, one of the New Entries suddenly keeled over. It transpired that he'd had an undiagnosed heart condition and the poor bloke was dead before he hit the penalty spot. The Class Instructor took control of the situation and ordered one of the Newbies to double-time it to the Sick-Bay/OOW/Main-Gate and everywhere else. This New Entry (Name long forgotten) paused...just for a single moment before carrying out his orders and asked the Class Instructor (And I shit-you-not)....
"If he's dead PO - can I have his fag-stamps?"

(Hooo boy...) :withstupid:
 
bigbaddog said:
Not a *Spoof* as such, but it reinforces Jacks somewhat perverted sense of humour.

Basic training in Raleigh in 1969-70, Nozzer classes where playing the obligitary sports. After getting through three-quarters of a game of football, one of the New Entries suddenly keeled over. It transpired that he'd had an undiagnosed heart condition and the poor bloke was dead before he hit the penalty spot. The Class Instructor took control of the situation and ordered one of the Newbies to double-time it to the Sick-Bay/OOW/Main-Gate and everywhere else. This New Entry (Name long forgotten) paused...just for a single moment before carrying out his orders and asked the Class Instructor (And I shit-you-not)....
"If he's dead PO - can I have his fag-stamps?"

(Hooo boy...) :withstupid:

Another sick one from Jack
Soon after HMS Defiance ,the shore establishment, was commisioned in Guzz, a jan docky was in a bosuns chair at the top of the mast on the quarter deck painting it.His oppo calls up to him and he turn round to answer him an slips out of the chair and falls the 40`plus to the deck landing head first. A stoker seeing this from the workshop door grabs a coupleof pieces of paper and writes 5 on one and 7 on the other and goes out side and holds them up.It took several matelots to prevent the other dockie form killing him and the MAA who turned up was not impressed either!!
 
One of the lad was bragging about the new stereo he and his wife had just bourght and how great it would be for her if he sent her a cassete in stead of writing,this was early/mid 70`sand these were new fangled things!
The lads convinced him it would not work as his tape mashine was mono but sugested a way it would.
When the boat got back to Guzz his wife came down the boat demanding to know who was resonsible and threw the cassete in the mess and it was then played.
"Hello Hello my my darling darling Mary Mary,, this this is is your your ever ever loving loving husband huusband Billy Billy--------"etc etc!!!! :dwarf:
 
I was stationed at RAF Binbrook with peace time Dam Busters. We had Canberra's, a beautiful machine and was only demobbed last year after being in service since 1951. But I digress! Spoof. We had a brand new engine mech on the squadron, still wet behind the ears. On his first morning the engine fitter Sgt came to me, I was an electrical fitter corporal and suggested spoofing the new boy and had I any good ideas. I thought of a cracker (the word cracker is what this spoof was about) I knew the rear bearing of the Avon jet engine was accessible from the jet pipe and suggested that we invent a "Rear bearing Inspection" and tell him its a daily inspection, give him a torch and a mirror and "inspect" the rear bearing. He was gently inserted into the jet pipe and told he would be on a charge if he bent any of the four jet pipe temperature probes in the process of his (sic) inspection. As soon as he was in place, I dashed into the cockpit, put the power on and switched on the ignition, the crack the igniters make with 2000 volts at 50 amps is deafening and I left the cocckpit just in time to see the lad come out of the tail pipe like bullet, still clutching the torch! He was five foot three, yet had turned in two foot diameter tail pipe and had missed all four temperature probes. We had a good laugh with him a nd told him naafi break was on us. Per Ardua Ad Astra!!!!

Ken
 
During my spell as watch PO in HQ1 onboard Invincible, I had a phone call from the Wardroom to say that Prince Andrew was coming down to get the keys to the Snooker room! Would I do the honours?
We fixed the inclonometer(?) out of trim with blutack, so his first port of call was the duty tanky , then on to the shipwright for wedges, sailmaker for velcro.etc.
We had him running around the ship for about two hours, with the help of various department Senior Rates.
I'll never get an MBE :salut:
RoofRat
 
Topstop said:
One of the lad was bragging about the new stereo he and his wife had just bourght and how great it would be for her if he sent her a cassete in stead of writing,this was early/mid 70`sand these were new fangled things!
The lads convinced him it would not work as his tape mashine was mono but sugested a way it would.
When the boat got back to Guzz his wife came down the boat demanding to know who was resonsible and threw the cassete in the mess and it was then played.
"Hello Hello my my darling darling Mary Mary,, this this is is your your ever ever loving loving husband huusband Billy Billy--------"etc etc!!!! :dwarf:

Billy Billy Bugg Bugg???
 
:toilet: :threaten: Wind up that nearly went so 'orribly wrong !

Certain 4 ring Captain on a certain Assault ship was looking to his next job as a Naval Attache and needed to keep an eye on the news, not having satellite Comms in them days, the news came via broadcast from Whitehall, Captain not happy with this so gets the MCO to monitor the Reuters news broadcast, not entirely legal and his favourite Killick Sparker got the job of tearing off the news for him.

One of the Sparkers hated the Killick Sparker with a vengeance so took it upon himself during the Middle to type onto the Reuters broadcast a bogus message, it would remain within the ship, the idea being that the message would be so awful that said Killick would shit a brick, run around like a headless chicken and scuttle off with the bad news for the Captain, the plan being to intercept him before he got there !!!!

Killick Sparker enters the MCO, reads the broadcast, shouts out loudly ........fckin hell and runs out of the office with the said piece of news and manages to reach the Skipper before the young sparks could stop him.

Young Sparks runs down to the Mess, crapping himself and then tells us the sorry tale, we all crap ourselves laughing and then you hear over the tannoy, "D'ya hear there, the Commander will address the ships company in 5 minutes time" .........................Oh Fcuk.

The Commander did indeed address the Ships Company with, " I regret to inform you that there has been a major accident on the London Underground and there is believed to be hundreds dead, we await further news etc etc ........... anyone with relatives in the London area might like to speak with their D.O's".

Deathly silence in the Mess, young Sparks cowering in the corner. We eventually persuade him to come clean, he tells the Killick Sparker who of course throws a wobbler, the Command is informed, they throw a wobbler but ............... no further action, monitoring Reuters was illegal.

The young Sparks however had to run the gauntlet of the Ships Company with booties embarked, non were much amused by his antics. We did laugh !!! :tp: :dwarf:
 
Quite a few years ago before i retired, i worked on a Tornado Squadron at the crab base up here. A new young crab straight out of the box arrived down the line.

They sent him down to the tool store to get a hammer, when he came back with it he was told that it was no longer required, and to return it, on the way would he drop this note into the Flight Sergeant and await his reply.

The note read " Give me all your ******* money or I`ll beat your ******* brains in with this hammer ".

The Flight Sergeants voice could be heard in the hangar, about 150 yards away.

cool17.gif
 

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