Great Spoofs I have Known (now with pictures)

The annals of (unofficial) Naval History are full of legendary spoofs that have been perpetrated in the past... going to stores for a long weight, the maltese tiger shoot, etc

Most of us have been in long enough to remember other originals and I for one still enjoy recounting the tales (must be my age?). So let's hear them...

One to be get things rolling. One Monday morning all the Sqn COs at a certain Air Station, arrived at work to find a convincing but many paged document in their in-trays stating that the airfield electrical supply was being switched to an economy tarif as a cost saving measure. The case was beautifully explained, including a section that required the squadron to forecast their electrical usage and bid accordingly. Night-flying was obviously high-usage, as were Instrument Approaches... a visual departure less so and a sortie at the satelite airfield cheap by comparison. There were forms to be filled in, records to be kept... a beautifully written beauocratic night-mare that summed up the prevalent "cost-saving at whatever cost attitude". That it was apparently signed by Cdr(Air) added to it's credibility.

So many bit!, Cdr(Air) was one of the first to check his in-tray and was allegedly heard to say, "Did I sign this?"... quickly brought in on the joke, he then spent the rest of the morning dealing with irrate calls from Sqn COs etc assuring them that the document was genuine and the need for such a measure real.

 

Re: Great Spoofs I have Known

...and another.

Towards the end of long deployment a note appeared on Daily Orders saying the Cash Office had a large number of British Notes that were in bad condition, and would not be accepted on the ships return to the UK. It went onto explain that the notes were still legal tender, it was simply the mechanical sorting machinery would rejet any badly creased or torn notes. As such this moeny had been written off... but in an attempt to recover some of the lost funds the Cash Office would be selling these notes at half price at Standeasy ona first-come first-served basis.

The queue around five-deck almost bought the ship to a halt, so much so that the bridge had to make an announcement breaking the news to all the would-be entrepreneurs and money traders.

And the next one please (over to you)

 

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Onboad HMS Penelope in 1982 and just before the Falklands kicked off and I witnessed the mother of all spoofs.

One of the POMEMs onboard was in cahoots with someone who printed DCIs and he managed to get one made up and distributed throughout the fleet which informed all that naval personnel could now grow moustaches.

It stated in a roundabout fashion that ratings only need to submit a request form "To discontinue shaving upper lip"

I can remember seeing 'Jack' on the Invincible with taches, and no, they were not booties.

Best spoof ever as far as I am concerned. We even had an RO on the Penny who was filmed by Westcountry Television being chauffered to the barbers by Aggies in Devonport to have his set shaved off and then being told "you do know what day it is dont you" APRIL 1st. ;-)

 

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A sonar rating on HMS Active wanted to join the RM, and was convinced that there was a sub-branch of RN Sniper, they had him lying on the hangar roof with a gun trying to stay out of sight the RM detachment as they used the gangway, and then had him patrolling 2 deck jumping out of compartments with targets that he had to shoot. The poor lad was gutted when told it was a bite he really wanted to do it!!
On a trip down south they asked for volunteers on daily orders to take part in a wild dog cull on the Falklands they were descended from escaped military dogs that were taken down south post '82 and were killing the sheep
All mustered at the end of the gangway before Chops M gave them their bite chits, the 'bish snared some other people by organising an animal rights protest all caught on ships TV- brilliant

 

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can't beat the old classic... Gibraltar money changing at the ships office. I remember a pipe being made for those who wanted to change their sterling into "Giblets" Even a sprog like me was astounded by some of the "been in long enough to know much better" who were stood in an orderly line outside the office.

 

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Got a young dusty big time when in Dolphin.
He volunteered for flying in a Pilotless training aircraft (PTA) as an observer recording the weapons fire.
Placed his request into the Captain's Office through the Div Officer, who then had the Sick bay make him do fitness tests running around the field etc with a blood red patch stuck to his ear. If the patch began to leak, he had to get to sick bay quick to prevent a reaction.
took it in good fun, after all was revealed, and a few pints in Dolphin 3 of course...
:lol:

 

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Not a spoof but was working in the registry at FOF 3 and used to get all sorts of weird letters from the public.

One guy wrote in with new designs for warships. One in particular had wheels on the side. This was meant to be a fuel & time saving device which would enable the ship to cross overland to reach wherever more quickly. Especially useful in times of war – apparently. Would have needed some bleedin’ big roads.

Just think the whole concept of a superhighway could have been entirely different. We had a special file for nutters letters. Mad as a box of frogs he was.

SF

 

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The Wild Dog shoot was used on Invincible in 1993 going into Valetta. The "Malta Dog Shoot" dit typed out by the Jimmy even had training sessions with cardboard cut outs and rifle ranges on the stern of the ship for a week before, and the obligitory anti-Dog Shoot contigent planning a picket of the gangway. The faces when they went down the gangway to get on the bus to the shoot...

Had one on an SSN. Young lad who wanted to be a ship's diver was "volunteered" to hand deliver a message to the opposition frigate during an exercise. He was told the underwater telling bone was TU and it was vital that the CO discuss matters with his opposite number on the surface. The lad was told that he would be released through the forward escape tower and to make sure that he didn't get stuck in this non-emergency situation, he'd be greased. The Cox'n oversaw the lad putting on an escape suit having been greased inside and out (thanks to the Chef and his lard) and they got the lad into the tower, lower lids fitted before springing him. Never did find out if he made ship's diver!

 

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Hermes 81, a bootie was the splash target coxn, did his medical briefed by the Harrier sqdn & was interviewed on"hermtv"

Asked what he had to do, he explained that he had a red & green flags to tell the skipper which way to turn the ship. He told them how he would mark the Harrier pilots when they fired at the target using the red/green flags.
He had kept it all very quiet until i walked into the bar at yeovil & said **** me its the splash target coxn.

Had it done to me just out of training at culdrose(16), it was admirals inspection & a chit came out saying i had to do a flower arranging display.
So off to th reg office with the request form, into the Joss's office then down to wrns quarters for my flower arranging course.

 

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I came across both the Malta Dog Shoot and Larne Target cox'n spoofs on Ajax in 1978. There were volunteers for both.

What about the Green Flash?

 

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Our Gung Ho ships diver (a JWEM (O)) none the less. volouteered as a splash target cox'n....even got his request form signed by the skipper, 1st Lt, Joss and WEO.

He didn't get it until we streamed the target un-manned off gibraltar and a couple of Hunters started bombimg runs on it!!

Bless him!!

 

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We Got the JWEMO Diver on the 2008 Underwater telephone. We were doing Stingray trials in the AUTEC ranges wit one of our submarine thingies.

And set up the bite as follows..we needed to communicate with the great unwashed vessel, and we would use the 2008 underwater telephone, JWEMO duly volounteered!!

he was given a sound powered telephone and a drum of electrical wire. He was also given a diagram of the fin of the boat and where the red and black terminals were.

We actually had him on the quarterdeck in a dry suit with tanks on before we put a stop to it.....

How cruel we were!

 

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I hope he got his revenge on you, imom, later...!

 

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He did, he took me diving in Puerto Rico....there was some scarey shit down there!!

 

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Middy's were always fair game (too easy I hear you cry!)... alongside in Rosyth we had a OUT Mid from a Minesweeper come oboard Invincible for a Minesweeper FDO Course... he was briefed and drilled thoroughly, before it was explained that owing to our proximity to Edinburgh/Turnhouse Airport we were not allowed to fly from alongside and that the aircraft for his practical training would be simulated.

Up on the Flight deck, he didn't show any surprise at all when a Seaking Crew, dressed in flying clothing, ran out from behind the island... in perfect formation, marked double time alongside an adjacent spot. The U/T FDO got clearance from Flyco to land the "aircraft" and gave all the right marshalling signals... which were dutifully obeyed by the crew with cries of "Wokka Wokka" from the AEO in the backseat (and hilarious laughter from Goofers)



The copy of the above photo, signed by the crew, was presented along with a certificate. Possibly the only FDO qualified to land a Seaking on a Minesweeper.

 

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Good one """"""""""" , heard / done most of the others , Malta Dog Shoot , Splash Target Cox'n ,etc ,etc, all good though

 

Ah Splash Target Coxn! Recovering from a bust leg by using Caledonia swimming pool every day (life sucks I know) we were asked to leave the pool for some poor sod to take the test. A squad of tiffs came in, split into two and lined each side of the pool holding onto a rope. The two ropes led back and were attached to an upside down table under the diving boards. Some chocolate appeared (AB muppet from a MWV) wearing goggles and a helmet and crouched down skier style holding two of the upturned legs. Before I pissed myself I watched this guy being waterskied the length of a pool, crouching position, goggles and helmet pulled by a team of Tiffs on each side. I think it went too well, the guy was delighted with his performance and the PTIs gave him a rubber ring and one paddle, explaining this would be his "target" lifeboat and could he show them he was able to drive the thing. Obviously he went round in circles but by sheer determination and stupidity he got across the pool. He left with the PTIs saying they'd sent a chit down to his boat. Christ. I hope somebody took him aside at some point and explained........... Money changing, swap draft to a Krivak etc, yeah I have to laugh - what a way to grow up

 

i will admit ...after all these years i was caught on the malta dog shoot , as a young 16 yr old on h.m.s ark royal final tripi think ive lived it down now....... got my revenge many times on poor unsuspecting ods over the years hahaha

 

And there are the mini Spoofs

Go get me a bucket of steam from the stokers in the engine room
I need some tartan paint from the paint shop
Go up to the flight deck and ask for a long stand

As WE's we also had the technical bollox to fall back on. When working in Northwood in Systems area, i would frequently use "Sporadic E" or "I bancd inversion" to explain to the Duty Officer why something wasn't working and i couldn't be bothered to fix it....Sadly this ploy collapsed in on me when i pushewd it too far with Ley lines!!

 

Go across the parade ground and switch the wind sock off..
Glass hammer?
Batteries for the Boatswains call..

recharging the glow in the dark fire exit lights with a torch.. haha