Glad to be a Man

Discussion in 'The Gash Barge' started by Tas-ape, Jun 12, 2008.

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  1. 1. OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

    2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

    3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

    4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

    5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

    6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

    7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

    8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

    9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night" Grr, what does it look like.

    10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

    11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

    12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

    13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

    14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

    15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

    16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

    17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

    18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

    19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

    20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

    21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

    22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

    23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

    24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shite.

    25. CALLING YOUR MATE A CNUT - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate, I missed you while you were in hospital. :rambo:
  2. Taking the weight on your elbows! :w00t: :w00t:
  3. Hey! not all us girlies are feeble whimps you know,besides why have a little woman who you MUST do everythig for when you can have a woman that stands shoulder to shoulder with you and wont moan about her broken nails.

    1. Jars are easy when you have a good grip!

    4. Got my Dads old penknife, just the right tool.

    5. Do it all the time, or he stock piles it!

    6. Soooooooo NOT going to waste beer that I have paid for.

    8 . Got a few of them, mostly on my knees, ( part clutz me!)

    11. Just call me "tool woMAN tina!

    13. NEVER late to the pub!.


    18. New shoes.

    19. Why call them, let them call me!.


    23. Well of course!

    24. Nothing like the solitude of the loo and a good book.

    25. More like " oi ya bitch!"

    26 Sending him down to make my breaky on a sunday morning.
  4. Bet you cant touch your right elbow with your right hand!
  5. Bet you cant touch your right elbow with your right hand!

    well you can always help me try!!!
  6. Looks like I'm not a Man then! o_O :cry:

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