Girls/Gays: Instructions for New Owners of Mateleots

Shamelessley stolen fron todays Sydney Morning Herald and one word altered to fit this Forum.

Well done that Author Mr Richard Glover a dink of that far away play of Upside Down People.

Read and be impressed.



CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR decision to choose an Matelot. Your investment should give you a lifetime of pleasure and trouble-free operation. Please read these instructions carefully before use.

* Never overfill your Matelot. Overfilling can affect both the appearance and speed of your Matelot and may lessen its operating life.

* Do not attempt to seal the ventilation openings on your Matelot. The regular emission of toxic odours is an important safety feature built into your Matelot. It is not considered a malfunction under your warranty.

* For optimum operation, you should give your Matelot a regular and thorough servicing.

Getting started

* Try to keep your Matelot upright while getting him into the house. Use no hooks, as he may initially be commitment phobic. Place on a cushioned surface before attempting to turn on. Stand well back.

* Contents may have settled during transportation. Actual size may vary.
Older models

* Do not attempt to jump-start older models. Firmly grasp working parts and first check pressure is adequate. Allow to warm up slowly. If Matelot remains stalled, you may need to change your settings. For a start, you may be in the wrong gear. Consider changing into something pink and frilly.

Initial use

* Your Matelot has a durable outer casing but it is highly sensitive to knocks. Even gentle knocking can seriously distort the settings on the ego panel. To reset, approach the ego and stroke firmly. Compliment your Matelot on the attractiveness of his durable outer casing. Proffer a jar of olives, the lid of which he may care to prise open with a manly laugh. Sigh admiringly when this is done. Next, repeat the steps listed in "Getting Started". In most cases, you'll find your Matelot will now virtually turn himself on.

Ongoing use

* Do not leave your Matelot turned on in a public place, especially when you intend to leave him unattended. Malfunction in these circumstances is not covered by your guarantee.

* Your Matelot will perform best if given one task at a time. THIS PRODUCT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR MULTI-TASKING.

* Product may contain nuts. Choose carefully as the returns counter at Matelot Incorporated often features lengthy queues.

* To clean your Matelot, immerse daily in warm water and remove any scuff marks with a soft cloth.
Tougher stains, especially those consequent to his employment in the workforce, may be rubbed away using a solution of alcohol, applied nightly, usually just after 6 o'clock.

* Act cautiously whenever detaching your Matelot from the household power. Remember if not given occasional access to at least a feeling of power, your Matelot may become run-down and difficult to handle.
Waivers and exclusions·

*Your Matelot is not a reliable source of fashion advice. Matelot Incorporated, its agents or representatives are not responsible for any losses or humiliations consequent to your reliance on fashion advice given by your Matelot. WARNING: Your Matelot cannot spot any difference whatsoever between the first dress you tried on and the fourth one, despite the way he enthusiastically backs up your view that "the fourth one is by far the best".
* Your Matelot cannot be expected to stop and ask for directions when driving. Customers should remember that the Earth is round, so you will arrive at your destination eventually. HE DOES NOT NEED YOUR ADVICE ON HIS DRIVING METHODS. Your Matelot comes with perfect eyesight but may find it difficult to locate small items around the house, such as his wallet and keys. This is not considered a fault under your warranty. According to information supplied by your Matelot, he suspects that you are deliberating hiding his stuff every morning.

A final word

* Use your Matelot properly and only for what it is intended and you will enjoy years of rugged, safe and dependable service - service only available from the happy folks here at Matelot.


Sorry Nutty, I've only just spotted this. I think this should be sent out in an envelope marked 'for potential partner's eyes only' and issued to every matelot. I think Rosie needs a copy pronto!

PS: Please could you post the weblink and contact details of Matelot Incorporated as I want to procure one of their products. :biggrin:


Lantern Swinger

Nutty like AAC this is the first time I have seen this version, has this been sculling around since the middle of May and no one has commented.

Brilliant well spotted (and converted)

I had one similar to this when I returned from a stint n the Falklands.

"How to reintegrate your matelot back into society"
Bumper to keep this alive. I almost bought one of these in Spitsbergen: the Matelot, Fred Olsen Model (mk.2) but he ran away after I inadvertendly let go of him after giving him a gentle hug (piccy to follow).

I'd like to place an order for a model that doesn't run away after 5 minutes! :(
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