Girlfriend.

As I lay in bed with my girlfriend earlier I told her "I would never try and change you!"

....She just sat there crying in her shitty nappy.

 

drum ... ker-ching

 

Awwwwww! how tender you are, you old sweet talker.

 

You have spent too many nights guarding the nonces on your prison wing. They are obviously rubbing off on you. You seem to be enjoying their dirty jiz and tales.

 

Ironically that one didn't go down to well with the populace.

 

I say that to my boxers before every field exercise. Do you know what? I never do change them. There's something sexual about cutting them off and placing them in an oppos bergan in readiness for when he next checks it.

 

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

 

Imagine how my oppos felt. Mind you, i found a neatly clingfilmed parcel of cack wedged in the bottom of my bergan once. Never found out who did that. What goes around comes around i suppose.

 

At least is was clingfilmed.....

You know it was done by a true friend.

 

You know the score mucker. It's up there with the "Military brew" made for unpopular Officers.

 

Or even Ba Bum Tish

Taxi !!

 

That's just gay.

There we were, B Coy, all cammed up, loaded up and wobbling along the passageway of some STUFT ship (MV Norland?) bergans scraping the light fittings and wallpaper off the walls when the shout went up to hurry up and wait.

So we all sat down and leaned back on our bergans, 5 minutes later boredom set in. The lad two in front of me leaned forward and unzipped the side pouch of the lads bergan infront of him, he pulled out the flask (we were in Norway) that got passed back hand to hand until it reached the lad who was sat infront of the heads. He wriggled out of his bergan, slipped into the heads, emptied the coffee and shat in the flask. Every member of the section had a flask and when you crack one everyone shares it, keeps the last flask to be cracked warmer for longer. Well when we finally got ashore and got around to the last wet stop you can guess who's flask it was, fuck, it was humour.