Gibraltar - Who's In?

[BillyNoMates]

I'm thinking of getting an Army of Mercenaries together (Old School) - with a view to
protecting Gibraltar, should them Spanish chappies decide to invade the place. There
must be fu**ing LOADS of you what have been to Gib and wouldn't like them bloody
foreigners taking the place over.....after all...IT'S BRITISH innit?

So, with this in mind I am "casting the net" for volunteers - who could be ready at
a moments notice to hop on a fu**ing plane and leg it out to Gib and, like, punch
the fu**ing shite out of any Spanish Army blokes what decide to try and invade
the place.

Please put your name down in here for this worthy cause. Should the balloon go
up - I suggest we all meet in The Angry Friar for a couple of wets and a quick
briefing...before tabbing to the border for a right good Spaniard battering session.

Yours hopefully,

Major General William Mateless OBE VC DFC DSM RDP

o/c 1st Volunteer Gibraltar Dragoons

 

[tiddlyoggy]

I volunteer to be I/C support troop. My duty will mostly consist of staying at the forward control position (Flip Flop or Mad Monk I imagine) while you chaps make the assault. I will ensure that nobody scuppers your wets and promise not to minesweep any of them (honestly).

 

[BillyNoMates]

Good chap! Welcome to:-

"Operation Rampant Rock Ape"

 

[Sharkey]

I'll be dhoby wallah cum slushy, I know all the old dishes and still have my iron from Vincent

 

[Blackrat]

Killing Spaniards with a possibility of fisticuffs with the Spanish Foreign Legion?

Count me in. The swarthy cunts.

 

[Dredd]

Good chap! Welcome to:-

"Operation Rampant Rock Ape"

Right, that's me out if they are in.

 

[Sharkey]

Ang on, is this like it was back in the day, we take in the booties they kill all the bad guys then we go in and shag anything left standing and get pissed

 

[BillyNoMates]

Well, I don't think they'll come in from the sea, so if we all get fired up on Watneys Red Barrel and several litres of JC (stopping off at the Wimpey...if it still exists - for a quick burger'n'chips), then all smeg off to the border with a piss-poor attitude - then none of those Dagos would dare to crash through the British barrier.

Even if they did - then I for one will be standing in front of the first Spanish tank, just like that chobey in Tianamen Square.

Anyone got any spare guns and stuff?

 

[MG Maniac]

Ang on, is this like it was back in the day, we take in the booties they kill all the bad guys then we go in and shag anything left standing and get pissed

Seems a plan to me! I'm in!

 

[BillyNoMates]

I'm beginning to like the sound of this. Seems them they Spaniards have an army of mongs and stacks of fanny to boot!

''Progressive'' Spanish Army Recruits Women And Foreigners

Don't think we'd need too much firepower....more like soft toys and bean-bags. Okay - it's a bit of old news but I suspect
that in todays economic climate, things 'aint changed that much.

 

[Dredd]

Ang on, is this like it was back in the day, we take in the booties they kill all the bad guys then we go in and shag anything left standing and get pissed

Right, that's me back in then.

 

[BillyNoMates]

Bomb the bastards!

Anyone know how to fly a really, really big plane then? As part of "Operation Rampant Rock Ape" I propose an air raid on Madrid. Seeing as them foreigners like chucking
livestock out of high places (see below)

Goat Throwing in Spain - Marbella Guide

...then I also put forward the proposal to do the same. There's probably several unused Hercules aircraft loafing about, so if we could get hold of one and find a suitable pilot,
then we could top up the plane with some ordnance that is relatively cheap and quite easy to come by....see how they like it. Ship a few hundred of these beasts from down my way -
load 'em up and set a course for Spain. (see below)

The Tamar Valley Donkey Park, Cornwall

If we "Carpet Donkey" Madrid - I reckon it would have the desired effect. Chucking live donkeys out of the back of a Hercules at high attitude would definitely put the shits up the
civilians and I reckon they would capitulate without any real ammunition having to be used. Exploding donkeys all over the fu**ing place......result!

 

[Sharkey]

Just a couple of questions before I sign up, will there be LOA and if Wits is in,can we hot bunk

 

[MG Maniac]

Anyone know how to fly a really, really big plane then? As part of "Operation Rampant Rock Ape" I propose an air raid on Madrid. Seeing as them foreigners like chucking
livestock out of high places (see below)

Goat Throwing in Spain - Marbella Guide

...then I also put forward the proposal to do the same. There's probably several unused Hercules aircraft loafing about, so if we could get hold of one and find a suitable pilot,
then we could top up the plane with some ordnance that is relatively cheap and quite easy to come by....see how they like it. Ship a few hundred of these beasts from down my way -
load 'em up and set a course for Spain. (see below)

The Tamar Valley Donkey Park, Cornwall

If we "Carpet Donkey" Madrid - I reckon it would have the desired effect. Chucking live donkeys out of the back of a Hercules at high attitude would definitely put the shits up the
civilians and I reckon they would capitulate without any real ammunition having to be used. Exploding donkeys all over the fu**ing place......result!

Judgeing from the carnage in Pamploma this year and the Spic love of being chased by bulls ... perhaps we just need to stampeed a heard through Madrid ... and I an't taking any poo bags!

 

[BillyNoMates]

Sir Horace.

I've just had this vision of you sitting behind a Gatling gun, cravat fluttering in the light Gibraltar breeze, blattering away at the invading hordes as they gallantly (but stupidly) attempt to march across the border, urged on by a young Spanish boy waving a big flag with a picture of Julio Iglasias on it.

 

[Pontius]

Anyone know how to fly a really, really big plane then?

I can do you a nice line in 747s Guvnor. You'll have to drop the donkeys from the side doors, even from the freighters, 'cos their noses lift up as opposed to having a ramp at the back. It's a waste of time looking for a Hercules because that'll involve an ex-Crab and you know costs will then rocket because they need their hotels and allowances and crew rest and manicures etc.

A few basic calculations show an initial meat bomb load of around 750 donkeys. This'll have to be reduced a bit if you're going to go for a jolly to Malta after the drop as we'll have to load a bit more fuel.

 

[BillyNoMates]

Well it's about time you showed up. I was getting desperate for a flyer. Now have to sort out some trucks (on standby) to get them donkeys to the airfield when the time comes. Dawn Raid on The Donkey Sanctuary is in the initial planning stage. Shouldn't prove too hard a nut to crack.

 

[MG Maniac]

Well it's about time you showed up. I was getting desperate for a flyer. Now have to sort out some trucks (on standby)
to get them donkeys to the airfield when the time comes. Dawn Raid on The Donkey Sanctuary is in the initial planning
stage. Shouldn't prove too hard a nut to crack.

That ain't a problem ... I'll nick (sorry borrow) 'er indoors horse box .. easy!

 

[SONAR-BENDER]

Sir Wiliam,

Can't say too much, but I am currently deep behind the enemy lines. I should like to offer my services as an agent provocative or whatever. I still have my old DPM suit from the '77 fireman's strike and a set of tarnished dolphins, so I have a uniform of sorts which means if I'm captured I'll not be shot. Immediately.

I've got several empty bottles outside the back door, so if you could see your way clear to sending me some sheckels for diesel, I'll crack on making some cocktails (winky wink!) - there should be quite a few more empty bottles by Monday.

I also have a very powerful air rifle, so I should be able to take out any carrier pigeons 'they' should try to use.

Now, tactics - the invasion MUST start at 1405 on any day of the week, as they are all in beddy byes then. They don't wake up again until 1700, but it should all be over by then anyway. I have found the easiest way to send them schizoid is to overtake them in my Land Rover - their absurd attempts to get past it again should take out quite a few of them.

Yours, SBS



(Sonar Bender the Spy)

 

[BillyNoMates]

You can have a Maxim and as many Mills bombs as you can carry. A double agent has just passed information back to HQ that the formation of a squadron of "Suicide Apes" is well under way. Little apes are been hand fed a mixture of porridge and Semtex and their larger brothers are being taught to throw them off the top of the rock at anything that looks vaguely Spanish. This is naturally a last line in defence because we don't want to be cruel to our Gibraltar primates. Fuck the donkeys - the Spanish should be used to that.

["Suicide Apes" in training at a secret location....okay - it's Gibraltar]