Getting Married?

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by wkdwren, Nov 17, 2006.

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  1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

    Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

    The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust!"

    Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

    Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

    Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
    Dad: That happens in every country, son.

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
    The next day he received a hundred letters all saying the same thing.
    "You can have mine."

    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

    How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

    If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say. Talk in your sleep.

    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late!"

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
    The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!!!!
  2. Isn't that why women get married in white? To match all the other kitchen appliances!!

    Men are like lino, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of there lifetime!!

    Women are like car tyres!! It never hurts to have a spare!!

    From someone trying his hardest to abstain from the act of marriage!!
  3. Never get married, just buy someone you dont like a house and give her all your income and savings.

    I forgot my ex wifes birthday, its very true , I never forgot it again !!!!!!!! ouch , lol.
  4. Well at least marriage is something I'll never have to worry about! Phew! :lol:

  5. AAC

    Not necessarily in this day and age mate.

    Be afraid, be very afraid!!! :twisted:
  6. My boss keeps giving me 'useful' tips to help me be a good wife. Usually about bringing beer and food during football. He also tells me I need to be able to cook and clean to 'get a good man'

    After about 3 months of that I told him I was a lesbian (I'm not but he could drive anyone off men!!)

    And he wonders why he's divorced honestly.

  7. Scrap that - ideally you both like football, eating out, drinking and sex. Problem solved!!

    Being a lesbian is just an added advantage - as long as your into threesomes that is :wink:
  8. I was sitting in a Glasgow Pub with a young lady when we were asked if we were married. She quickly replied:

    "Yes, but not necessarily to each other"

  9. I keep telling my missus that i'm a lesbian cos i like womens bits so much :wink:
  10. Doesnt make you a bad person mate :lol:
  11. It does when i get the strap on out and threaten random bystanders with it!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  12. Didn't you know that was what 'WIFE' stands for:

    Washing, Ironing, F****ing, Etc


    ps. I am the Boss in my house, and I have the wife's permission to say so..... :p
  13. Good one Whitemouse
  14. FlagWagger

    FlagWagger Book Reviewer

    A man's life is incomplete until he's married... then it's over.

    My wife gave me a choice many years ago, the Navy or her - I tossed a coin and she won - it landed on its edge. :)
  15. If you want to keep your marriage happy
    With love in the marriage cup
    Whenever you`re wrong, admit it
    Whenever you`re right shutup
  16. Life is a BITCH then you MARRY one.

  17. Never to marry, never to suffer
    The indignity of being used as a scupper
    Dragged into dress shops, dragged into bed
    Forced to remember anniversaries, birthdays!

    Oh wedded bliss is a gonner for me
    Never to suffer, always be free
    Buy clothes I want to and sleep when I need
    Drink Pussers neaters and eat Pussers Hard.

    Roll on my time boys! O roll on my time!
    I'm grateful to as bent as an old washing line!

    :wink: :lol: :lol:
  18. Marriage is a wonderful institution.....but so is Broadmoor
  19. Marriage... but surely we should follow the moral example of the future Supreme Guvnor of the Church of Ingerland, and enter into the equally blissful ancient institution of Adultery?

    Me? I'll just stick to coaxing one-eyed hammock adders out of their burrows... :wink:

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