Funny looks.

I have just wondered into the factory and carried out my usual set of morning rounds, you know the usual empty banter, asking people you don't like what they got up to last night and if they have anything exciting planned for the weekend. Anyway I noticed that after about five minutes people were giving me some strange looks.

Thinking nothing of it I continued my rounds but the lads kept looking at me strangely, a few of them even sniggering and whispering to each other. Feeling a distinct sense of paranoia, I wondered to the 'management suite' for a shit and noticed to my horror, that I had the largest, luminous green bogey stuck to my cheek that I have ever encountered.

Now this wasn't your average little dried up snotsickle, oh no, this creature consisted of a giant pea sized blob with streaky snot strands trailing off it. It even had a little blood in it, no doubts the remnants of a hayfever induced nosebleed a few days ago. Inadvertently I had somehow managed to smear this beast all over my right cheek, leaving a slimy trail of destruction leading from my nostril to my ear.

I began to recall that I may have sneezed quite violently during the drive to work this morning and this was probably the cause of my new facial decoration. It would also explain why the hot looking girl in the Mini convertible recalled in horror when I gave her a cheeky smile at the lights.

Anyone else get hayfever? It's a cunt isn't it?

 

I used to suffer heavily with Allergy-Conjunctivitis (Grass pollen Allergy) this resulted in the.....just blubbed like a baby look snot included. On joining my first ship I was asked by the QM an old and bold killick seaman who enquired at to if I was nervous about joining, my reply was a noo....SNEEZE..ooo. Looking up I realised I had deposited a large amount of Snot and Phlegm on so said Killicks hand and Rifle. I was later to find out that he was my LHOM.

Who likes cleaning shite houses on a beautiful 42???? Turns out I did!!!

 

About 12 months ago I got a bout of the uncontrolable shits. My ringpiece was like a rotting pumpkin and was leaking shat water so I inserted a bog roll bung in my crack.

I went to the naafi to get some water and as I was standing in the queue, it fell out of my trouser leg.

It must have come loose on the walk over and there I was, stood in the middle of five people with a manky beige piece of honking shitroll hanging out the bottom of my kecks.

That would have been embarrasing had it not been quite funny. Needless to say, the looks were more of horror than "funny".

 

Some of the best (and worst) porn I have ever encountered was found behind the pipework in 3N heads. There are few better feelings than returning from ashore slightly hammered, going to cheese down a Bungle's finger and finding a Brucie bonus behind the trap.

It also helps if you are ankle deep in piss at the time. I find it quite soothing watching the turds float by as you tug over a battered copy of 50 plus which still has stoker spunk splattered across the centre pages.

Mmmmmm.

 

With shitty water lapping at your ballbag.

 

I still believe that the reason I like scat so much is because I spent so many years tugging away surrounded by the sweet stench of naval turds.

Eventually you get so used to it that if you take one of the variables out of the equation, it becomes impossible to complete the task in hand.

Edited to add:

Why the fuck are the toilet bowls always so shallow? I'm not complaining like, I quite enjoy the cooling splashback of another man's piss shooting up my balloon knot after a curling down a spicy Cleveland steamer. Just wondering that's all. :dontknow:

 

I must admit, the creativity of hiding places for the inevitable frankie in the heads is amazing. Also you get more variety than your average porn shop. Especially when deployed, euro porn rocks.

Nothing more comfortable than balancing, with a foot holding the trap door shut, frankie in one hand pork sword in the other, listening to one oppo empty his hoop, the oter his guts either side of you due to that 'dodgy' pint.

 

I hope you gave your Butler a dressing-down for letting you leave your office in that state.

When I was younger I was asst.Manager in a shop. When the boss was on holiday I had the onerous duty of opening up each day. Now, having a particularly scutty foreign lady living with me at the time, I often got dragged back to bed/kitchen table before leaving the house.

Running late one day I threw my clothes on and did a 'Chariots of Fire' 1 mile sprint through the town to work. Passing the bustling market square and down a road packed with stationary vehicles I finally dashed through the back door and opened the front door. In front of me was my most important, well-to-do customer looking non too pleased at having to wait.

"Are you cold?" he enquired.
"A little sir, yes"
"You should be" he said, pointing with a nod of his head, and a rise of his eyebrows, at my penis hanging out of the open flies of my hastily put on trousers. Now, I'm no Donkey, and the sprint combined with a bracing Autumnal morning did me no favours. I think every young lady of distinction across the county avoided me from that day onwards.

Bugger

 

I always opted for the end trap, that way you only get one person on the other side of you. It also makes it harder for your neighbour to see your frantic shadow movements thus giving away what you are really up to.

I'm prudish like that.

I found it particularly off putting when I was having a dump and the man next door was clearly throwing himself around the trap. In order to put the fucker off his stroke, I always found a small nugget of shit on a piece of bog roll, thrust under the cubicle wall, with a cry of ''does this look normal to you shippers?'' usually did the trick nicely.