FUNNY: A week at the Gym - One Mans story.......

Enjoy...... :lol:


This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my school football team 25yrs ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo !!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY
My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.


Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine -- which I sank.


I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the f*cking
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?


Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun..... a root canal or a vasectomy.
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