Funnies from the gangway staff...

Discussion in 'The Fleet' started by Guns, May 10, 2008.

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  1. Guns

    Guns War Hero Moderator

    We were due to have a Lord of the Realm visit the ship recently but he was running late. He didn't want a fuss and he was going to be meet at the Gangway by the OOD and brought up.

    So he finally arrives and the QM rings the Cdr and says

    "The Lord's here and I don't mean Jesus"

    I thought it was funny.

    So anything similar.

    PWO Course arrives at RAF Kinloss. Our PWO(U) leans over and says to the Hall Porter

    "Name's Connor MacLeod - I think you will find there is only one"

    Or in Starbucks and the lady offers you a tray and you give it

    "It's alright I have enough to carry as it is"
  2. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    In the days of armed matelots on Main Gates, the QM was standing outside Nelson when the Joss approached him. "Heads up, fella. HRH Princess Anne is due to arrive this morning, about 0800. When her limo turns up give me a shout. Okay?"

    "Yeah, no worries, Joss", the QM replies, eager to check out the talent walking down Queen Street...

    Ten minutes later the Joss anxiously shouts from the window: "She here yet?"

    "Not yet Joss...", the QM replies.

    "Right, as soon as she does you let me know", he requests.

    Another ten minutes and still no sign. The Joss is getting titchy, the QM is getting hacked off with his constant interruptions... but around 0845 a long black limo with a suitably regal pennant flying from the front wing pulls in front of Nelson Main Gate.

    The QM approaches the rear passenger window and indicates for the occupant to wind it down. They do, and the QM pokes his face through the gap.

    "Are you Princess Anne?" he enquires.

    "Yes," the passenger replies.

    "Well love", the QM advises. "You'd better keep your head down - I think you're in the shit. The Joss has been looking for you since oh-eight-dubs!"

  3. Was that QM the notorious SPB?
  4. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    No comment!! :wink:
  5. Not from the gangway, but from the switchboard: possibly not a gen dit, but still a good one: HMS MONTROSE down the Falklands with Princess Royal's old man as CO. Phone call to CO's cabin:

    Swbd: hello sir, I've got your wife on the phone to put through.

    CO: Don't you mean HRH the Princess Royal?

    Swbd: That's right sir, yer missus!!!!!
  6. Guns

    Guns War Hero Moderator

    Having served on board at the time take it from me this one is bollocks.

    Switchboard, yer I can just see the Comms boys answering phones and such like. Besides I know for a fact he had a Mentor line direct to his cabin.

    But why let truth and all.
  7. On my way to work one morning at 04darkandscary30, I had slept in and was a tad late. I decided that the roads were clear, no traffic so I could give it a bit more gas.
    Three minutes later, the whoopie lights were behind me, insisting that I pull over. I watched the officer approach the car, rolled down my window, and noticed that my low slung sports car, I had his crotch right at my eye-level.

    He rocks back on his heels, and says, "Ok, how big is the fire?"

    To which I reply staring directly at his crotch, "I dunno, how big is your hose?"

    Didn't get a ticket that day.

    Royal Yacht Britannia was visiting Kingston, Ont. I was asked to be the pleasant type person that would act as a cultural whatsit for the Canuck dignitaries and the Brits. Amongst the guests were folks from the local legion, the Universities, town councillors and the head honcho of the hospital.

    As we were being shown the main salon, and the main stairway, a gasp comes from the hospital weenie, "Oh my God, they have painted the ship, hospital green!". The University types correct her by insisting that the colour is institutional green. The Legion president who had been a lower deck matelot pipes up, "That my dear young woman, is not hospital green, nor is it institutional green, that colour can only be one colour and that's, Pusser Green!" The town councillor replies, "Pus Green?, why would they use Pus Green, is that some sort of naval camouflage?

    They missed the Grand Salon points of interest, ignored the guest book being open to the Czar of Russia's name all over a debate about a colour.
    They finally asked me what colour I thought it was, and I said, "It's the colour of money, which HM The Queen and HRH have and can paint their ship any bloody colour they want."

    And you newbies wonder why we need to be able to see red/green. Now you know why.
  8. 1966 tied up alongside the maidstone at faslane, a passing stoker answers the phone in the control room. war office want a fight . to which a reply came back do you know who this is, i'm commodore ??????. the stoker replies do you know who this is. no replies the commodore. thank fcuk says the stoker hanging up.
  9. Early 70's, HMS S----- alongside in Vasteras. Yours truly had met a "stunning young lady" ashore and was bringing her back aboard to take advantage of the price of spirits in the mess. QM and Bosun's mate manned the brow and smartly saluted the lady as she stepped on to the flight deck. Young lady very chuffed, benign smile from me to gangway staff. As I passed the QM he remarked - soto voce - "Didn't know your granny lived in Sweden Chief."

  10. If That was the SC**A I too had a very close call in Vasteras.... I must have met the most Stunning Blonde in the world...Ah! she was Sooooooo GAY TOO.

    Just my Luck :thumright:

    Bloody good run ashore though :thumright: :thumright: :thumright:
  11. These days there is little to laugh about for the Gangway staff. They carry weapons and have been stood in all weathers, facing outwards, denied sustenance (no more pizza) for six hours straight so they tend not to have a sense of humour by the end of their watch. Add to this the numerous people checking up on them all day and it makes for a real jolly old time!!

  12. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    PINCH: Scylla has got two Ls... :wink:
  13. Alongside Malta in 76 on the Devonshire. The Joss, Killick Reg and me (killick Doc at the time) used to go up to the gym on the top of St Angelo for a friendly game of Badmington - thats if playing badmington with the crushers could ever be termed as friendly. One day we met a couple of RAF "Snowdrops" who we engaged a a couple of friendly games so they invited us back to their mess at Luca. After a few libatious wets they offered us a lift back to the ship using their "blue light taxi service" and not wanting to stop at the gate switched on the blues and were waved through by the MOD Plod. QM on the gangway see's the approaching blue light and calls the OOD who happened to be on the gangway at the time. Expecting a landrover full of drunks (well he was right there) he then stands at the top of the gangway to greet said expected revellers only to see the Joss etc climb out of the back - doesnt wait to see the exchange of cheery handshakes - makes a swift about turn and tells the QM to carry on and beats a hasty retreat back to the wardroom - The look on the QM's face was absolutly priceless.
  14. That was regular thing on Albion in the 60s - bl***dy good fun and japes, especially after tot time, because they were sound powered phones and couldn't be traced back to the origin .
  15. Illustrious '85 as BM on the after gangway.
    Senior rate comes on board, QM says "is this your wife" whilst getting the guest book out. Senior rate says "Yes" - QM says "poor man" .
    BM becomes VERY busy at trying to become invisible.
  16. The yank asking the QM for Harry Skinters, I lent him some dollars last night when we were having a drink together.
  17. OOD alongside in Rotterdam when I get a call in the mess from the QM.

    "two local birds here chief, I think they want to see the OOD"

    "Who are they?"

    "Dunno, but they look like hookers!!!"

    "And we speak English too!"

  18. Get back to you studies... NOW.

    TMA must be due in soon
  19. Whist I was QM first day alongside Amsterdam on the Fearless, the BM was sent down to the Reg office with the mail and I was rushed off my feet, internal phone, external phone ringing off the hook every man and his sidekick going on and off the Gangway, Booty’s and EMF (Embarked Military Force) coming back with all types of weapons needing to be checked safe before being let on board. I answered the internal phone and was asked to make a main broadcast pipe, so without writing it down I picked up the microphone and announced to the whole ships company “All EMF and MUFF divers muster on the STBD waist duty watch away STBD Seaboat.†On completion of making the pipe I could have crawled into the nearest hole and hide for the rest of the day, unfortunately I had another 5 hours worth of stick to put up with.
  20. alongside in reykjavik, helo out on flightdeck, 6ft 6 icelander comes to bottom of gangway at 2 in morning and wants to sit in the chopper , told to go away , says he is coming on board , me and bill beeny(qm) prepare to repel boarders ,when police volvo turns up and 2 small ,long blond haired female cops get out, me and bill think we better go and help out these two before they get hurt, when one of the girls gets behind this guy and f**king wallops him across the the back of his knees, dropping him and the other one smashes his face into the bonnet of the volvo , cuff him and chuck him into the back of the car , they then smile sweetly and wave to me and bill and drive off , funny as f**k

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