Frankie Boyle

Had to steal this. Read it in todays Mirror. A classic.

"People in Glasgow think that the term NATO is a nickname given
to a mate who has had a foot amputated due to chronic diabetes"

******

 

Sounds close enough to be true.

Did a course years ago with a Dr Fox ( Liams ex Mrs.) lecturing on Diabetes, Epilepsy etc.

She said a man had been brought in, when she was working in A&E in Glasgow, with his face lacerated and bruised and she asked what had happened?

The reply in thick Glaswegian was on the lines of

" Av ha a fit an A fell oer"

"O you had a fit and you fell over?"

"A nae had a fit A sead A fell oer cos Av ha a fit".

???????????

"Ock Luke". Takes shoe and sock off and reveals he had half his foot amputated, he had just stumbled and fell over.
She was Glaswegian (posh) and couldn't understand someone from the other end of town, What chance do we stand?

 

I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

 

I would have loved to have a gay dad. Do you remember at school, there were always kids saying
“My dad’s bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!” “So what? My dad will shag your dad.
And your dad will enjoy it.”

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy.
I’m amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you’d think at 66 she would have
needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

I don’t know how long I could be a vet before I got bored and started shagging stuff.

 

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called ‘Countdown’?

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged.
With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

Apparently the guards put sperm in Paris Hilton’s porridge when she was in prison.
That’s got to be horrible for her. “Eurgh! There’s porridge in this!”

Pregnant women are going to get £120 to buy fruit and vegetables. Although, obviously, they’ll all spend it
on a prostitute for their partners so they don’t have to take it up the arse for nine months. People are going
to start pretending to be pregnant and will end up hiring dwarves with potholing experience.

They’ve bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they’ve put an anesthetic in the
lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don’t have to
wake anybody up!

 

"See youse cnut's scunners every fcuking one of yers camon I'll fight the fcuking lot of yez." A five foot tall disabled O.A.P outside an off licence at eight in the morning. My memory of Glasgow