For Old Matelots..Recapture the old days.

Here is how to recapture the good old days in the privacy of your own home.

1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it on a thin mattress

2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is too small

3. Wash your knicks in the bathroom sink every night and hang them on the waterpipes to dry

4. Four hours after you have gone to bed, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your face, then say "sorry mate, wrong pit"

5. When you have a shower, remember to turn off the water when you soap

6. Everytime there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are violently sick

7. Put diesel oil into the humidifier and set on high for that wonderful ship aroma.

8. Don't watch TV except for a movie at 2030. For added realism get your family to vote for which movie they want to watch then select a different one

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your house to recreate correct noise levels.

10. Have the postman or local plumber give you a haircut

11. Once a week blow compressed air up your chimney ensuring the wind carries the soot over your neighbours home. Then when he comes round and complains, laugh in his face and say"that's life in a blue suit mate

12. Buy a rubbish compactor but only use it once a week, storing all your rubbish in the bath

13. Wake up in the middle of the night and make a sarnie out of anything you can find.

14. Have a fridge in your front room, put a lock on it and give the key to the local policeman

15. Keep the spare keys for the above and empty it every lunchtime

16. Devise your famly menu a week in advance without looking in the fridge or freezer

17. Once a month, take evey household appliance apart and reassemble it

18. Use four spoons of coffee per cup, then allow to sit for 3 hours before drinking

19. Invite 40 people you dont like around your house to live with you for 6 months

20.Install a small flourescent strip light under your coffee table, then lie under it and read a book

21. Raise the thresholds and raise the topsills of all the doors so you can bang your head and graze your shins as you pass through

22. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the tin in the oven. When it has cooled, spread icing thickly on the lower side to level again

23. Every so often throw one of the kids in the bath while shouting "Man Overboard", sling in a sponge with a flag on it, then run into the kitchen and sling all the pots and pans on the floor. Then yell at your wife for not securing for sea properly

24. Get your wife and kids to clean their bedroom everynight, then at 1900 wander round your house with the local policeman

25. Name your favourite shoes "steaming bats" then get the kids to hide them round the house on a random basis

26. Lie on your bed or sofa and fart for no reason

27. Insist on going to the post office to collect your mail, then get them to phone you when it's ready for collection

28.On Saturday morning, walk around the house whistling in a high pitched tone and insist everyone you go past stands still

29. Paint the outside of your house battleship grey and put the number on the wall in big black letters

30. Put windows and a wheel in your loft

31. Every Thursday run around the house shouting "Hands to action stations"

32. Roll up a soft porn magazine and stick it behind the cistern in your toilet where everyone can see it
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