8:00 AM this morning and my living room was on fire a bit. WolfPack lit one of those oil burner things that heat up aromatic oil, but she used TWO FUCKING TEA CANDLES to heat up the oil in the bowl and, as a consequence.....the oil went whoosh and set £300 worth of Next wall mirror frame alight. She's in the shower and I'm having a lie in when the alarms all went off in a bunch. Came downstairs yelled a bit and put the fire out. Commenced smoke clearance and admired the sooty as fuck deckhead.....time to clean everything methunk. The time is now 14:15 and I have just finished a living room re-paint....I have THE biggest wendy on ever. No more oil burners in this gaff.....all gone in the bin. Still, things could have been worse. It could have been my fault. Where was I when the Royal Sprog was being dropped? Trying to stop my fucking house burning down - that's where.