Fcuk that hurt.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Rumrat, Jul 27, 2010.

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  1. They say bad things come in three's, well I am not looking forwards to the week then as thus far this has happened to me.

    By Sunday morning I had stored up enough energy( by doing fuck all the rest of the week) to undertake the following job.
    The quest was to take the alloy wheels off the car one at a time obviously, and clean and treat them to the preservation doofer splongery .
    So armed with the tools I proceeded to undo the wheel nuts (Bolts on a fiat) and therein lay the first obstacle. Where the friggin hell is the head for the locking nut. (When I say locking nut I do not refer to any M-O-D,) but the one required to detach the wheel nut.
    With the nut found off we go. I managed to get my finger between spokes, gave a god almighty pull, the nut moved, the wheel spanner moved, the spoke did not move and I nearly ripped my fcukin finger off.
    Job complete, lets now clean the upstairs outside window frames and windows.
    I do not recommend the wearing of trainers to do this job.
    My instep became sore, I lifted my left foot to relieve the ache, and the friggin ladder went AWOL and as it went sideways I hit my head on the corner of the windowsill, which being of a nasty disposition and hard plastic cut my head open.
    Two to the inanimate objects, nothing to me.
    I know I thought yesterday, lets get the rear yard (back garden to you people) up to par. Whilst doing it lifts an edging stone to re position it, and hey ho Harry spider has a coming out party. Now being a native of sunnier climbs I retain a very healthy respect for our little 8 legged friends,(frightened to fuck of them) and so stepped back quickly.
    Nelson our rather scabby and very old (18) cat had decided watching me might be worth a skeg so was sat behind me. I stepped back fell over him, and instead of just resigning my fate to gravity, decided to fight it.
    This was Oh so wrong, as the vain attempt to keep upright placed me instead of over soft grass, in the close proximity to the lawn mower, which I hit when I had dropped to ground zero. Jesus its a good job I am ambidextrous as my left shoulder and arm hurt like the day I tried wrestling my tot from Geoff Capes.
    So at this point there is the three, game over I thought.
    No wrong again mate, you aint right often and your wrong again.
    I am recovering from my mishaps by consoling myself with a very small pint bottle of Pernod, sitting minding my own business, and the phone rings. I answer, "Is Mrs Rumrat there please". "Sorry she's seeing her shrink" ( why she needs one of them when I am here for her I will never know) "Who's calling please" "I'll call back later", "Yes but who shall I say called" "I'll call later" "You rude bastard, its polite to at least say who you are unless your having an affair with her then you should be seeing a shrink as well, fuck off"..........
    So in temper I stamp out into the garden once more, trip over the friggin spade I left on the grass and fall, my bad arm does not take the weight as required and I head but the path. Yeah right on my fresh plaster.

    Wife returns later, shouts "Hi babe I'm back, everything alright"?

    Yeah fuckin chipper :( 8O
  2. RumRat Beware of these things :D [​IMG]
  3. Manual labour, how common.

    You do realise you can get an Eastern European to do anything you want for £30 a day?
  4. Are you a buddy of Mr Twiglet? :roll: 8O

    £30 a day?
    I can get one to do everything for £30 a week, I shall post you a training manual straight away.
    Belay that I will get Piatek to do it. :wink:
  5. WTF happened there?
  6. And you got it wrong, Manual Labour is a Spaniard :wink: 8O :oops:
  7. So who was on the phone???
  8. I have not yet seen Mystic meg this week but will keep you posted.
    Probably another secret squirrel, there's stacks of em about even no here if you follow my drift :roll: :wink:
  9. A sad story of a two left handed cnut who tried to attatch a mirror to the bedroom celling when totaly pis**ed. :oops:
  10. The ceiling you say...hhmmmmm
  11. I thought that a broken mirror was supposed to bring seven years of bad luck, but as you seem to have made some money out of this photograph, courtesy of Dreamstime.com, that's another myth dispelled.
  12. wish i had :( original was disposed of very very quickly. Just used this one to illustrate the point :D
  13. did i say ceiling ? sorry meant wall of course :oops:
  14. I was in a night club in Guzz one night having an altercation with a great big humongous barrel of lard dressed as a Yank sailor.

    He grabs a bottle to honour me with so I did the same, and heaved a coke bottle off the bar, the large ones.
    Having watched the movies of same, I proceeded to bring the bottle down hard on the edge of the bar.
    Yes but this particular bottle had not seen the same movies, so instead of smashing, it bounced back up fully intact and hit me square on the head.
    I went into shutdown and got a royal kicking before my mates jumped in like the 7th cavalry to rescue me. I never lived that down, and if there was ever any trouble I was involved in some spark would always shout "why don't you bottle him" 8O :(
  15. I wonder if it was the same yank I had a bit of a to do with in Gib.
    After showing him how we could drink a rum with every pint we moved on to who could best take a punch.When I told him that I could take a punch to the belly from anyone he squared up and gave me an almighty thump right in the old bread basket.Unfortunately for him this reversed the flow of beer, rum and egg banjo which erupted at approx 300 mph all over the cnuts face.I put on a brave face but by fcuk it hurt although the sight of his puke spattered face eased the pain somewhat. :D :D
  16. I can't help but wonder what a run ashore with you in "the day" might have led to.....apart from cells of course.
  17. By ecky thump, that made oi larf :D :D
  18. Unfortunately it led to the cells on more than one occasion but by fcuk it was worth it :D :D
  19. When drinking a copious amount in Gib I found it prudent to drink the last few in La Pulverine opposite patrol headquarters, as the Regs did not have to drag you in and out of the tilly thus eliminating the middle man, and they were far less pissed off when writing your report.
  20. Thats where I went wrong.I fell asleep in a doorway after celebrating getting my hook and was woken by said reggies only in my drunken haze I thought they was mugging me.It took 6 of them to get me in the van(so I was told) and yes they were extremly pissed off when writing my report.
    I didn't lose my hook though.Just :D

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