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Favourite matelot song

As it's almost Chrimbo, does anyone remember the rest of this carol?

I saw engines kissing Number 1,
Underneath the muffler valve last night,
.....................................
..................................... ??

(to the tune of "I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus")
 
skyvet said:
As it's almost Chrimbo, does anyone remember the rest of this carol?

I saw engines kissing Number 1,
Underneath the muffler valve last night,
.....................................
..................................... ??

(to the tune of "I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus")

Remember it but racking my brains for the rest of it.
Someone out there must know.
 
One of Cyril Tawney's -

My Mother came from Norway
She was a comely lass
My father was a Frenchman
From the province of Alsace
My friends all shake with laughter
When referring to my source
Oh your daddy was an Alsatian
And your mummy was a Norse
 
When I was a junior I played the Bosun's Call

From singa's to mombasa I think I've played them all

Ever since that day in the junior rates dinning hall

That 3 badge ab gunner sure plays a mean Bosun's Call

dah dah dah dah dahhhhhhhhhh
 
rod-gearing said:
One I remember from the 70's.
Sang by Peter Sarsted originally. 'Where do you go to my lovely.'

You look like Lassie with acne,you smell like Biffo the Bear.
You're clothes are all tailored by Tesco's and theres lice in your pubic hair.

Chorus:
Where do you go to my lovely ,when your alone in your pit?

What are the thoughts that surround you when you go for a spine shattering s*^t?

Cant remember all the verses due to passage of time and alcohol.

Think the first couple of versus are something like:

You've got a face like lassie with acne
You dance like biffo the bear
You buy all your clothes from Barnado's
And you've got pubic lice in your hair
And up your back & down your crack
Oh yes you have for a laugh ha ha ha, ha ha ha

The buffers known in high places
I here you know him quite well
We bought him a dildo for Christmas
And he uses it for ring the bell
Oh yes he does, ha ha ha, ha

So where do you go to my lovely
When your alone in your pit
Tell me the thoughts that surround
When you go or a spine shattering shit
Oh yes you do for a laugh ha ha ha, ha ha ha

Can't remember the rest but I'm sure the last verse is something about a stokers mess playing draughts up inside her arse for a laugh ha ha ha....
 
Scene: The Dockyard Church Pulpit

The Padre’s Sunday Sermon.

Harken unto me all ye ranks of low virtue, whilst I tell you about Abob, the son of Nabob who, whilst traveling from the land of Chatham to the land of Pompii, fell amongst Bandits:

Not ordinary Bandits.
Common Bandits.
Low Bandits -
Arse Bandits!

Who ragged, bagged and shagged him, and left him on their way rejoicing and exceedingly glad.

And there passed by that way a Chief Stoker, out on shore leave with the Mess savings, but he passed by on the other side. And there passed by that way a certain women:

Not an ordinary women.
A common women
A low women.-
A Prostitute. A slut!

And she bandaged his wounds with rags:

Not ordinary rags.
Common rags.
Low rags -
Jam rags!

And she said unto him, “Abide with me for forty days and forty nights†And her abode with her for forty days and forty nights.

And when he returned to the land of Pompii, he said to the Picket on the gate, I have dwelt forty days and forty nights with a women, and I fear I am uncleanâ€. And the Picket said, “Get thyself hence to the sickbayâ€. And he got himself hence.

And he said to the Sickbay Tiffy, “ I have dwelt forty days and forty nights with a women, and I fear I am uncleanâ€. And the Sickbay Tiffy said, “Dropâ€, and he dropped.
He said , “Squeezeâ€, and he squoze, and a dirty great bubble arose the size of a Pusser’s Pea.
And he said, “Yea, verily thou art uncleanâ€.

Here endeth the lesson.

We will now sing hymn 69

The Preacher in the Dockyard Church
One Sunday morning said.
“Whoever it was that shit himself,
I’ll thump his f***kin ‘edâ€.
So up hopped Jack, from the tenth row back,
And spat a mighty gob.
“Twas I who shit, you stupid nit.
And you can chew my carroty knobâ€.

As told to me by my Sea Dad in '56.

Jerry
 
Hymn 69 also contains:
"The organist came down the aisle, with the organ on his back,
the preacher from the pulpit said "You can waltz that barsteward back"
and
" Young Jenny Wren stood in the choir, singing just like a thrush,
The preacher from the pulpit said "T think you're fecking LUSH".
All starting to come back to mind now.......
 
Sung, very seriously in Welsh choir mode, to the tune of "All people that on earth do dwell".

There were three crows up-on a tree,
They were as black as black could be.
Said one black crow unto the other,
You are a black enamelled f*cker.

Along came a farmer with his gun,
He shot those crows excepting one,
And that one flew into a tree,
And said "you bastard, now shoot me."

The farmer then he drew a bead,
Upon that black crow's f*ckin' swede.
It fluttered down onto the ground,
And there a resting place he found.

(Fortissimo, and with much vigour)
As I was walking through a wood,
I shit myself just where I stood.
I cried for help but no help came,
And so I shit my-self again.

A-amen.
 
ERNIE (HE FLEW THE SLOWEST PHANTOM IN THE WEST)

You could hear the tyres a bursting as he careered across the deck
You could hear the goofers laughing as he stumbled from the wreck
He flew into the circuit with his wings upon his chest
His name was Ernie, EEEEEEEEERRRRNNNMEEEEE,
and he flew the slowest Phantom in the west

Now Ernie loved a Wren a lovely lass named Sue
She worked down the road at Lilstock Range, she was only twenty two
They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, pride and chic
But Ernie took his missiles there, three times every week
His name was Ernie, EEEEEEEEERRRRNNNIIEEEEEE,
and he flew the slowest Phantom in the west

She said she'd like to have a flight, he said right oh sweetheart
And she gazed at him in wonder as he raised his undercart
Would you like it straight and level, or at aeros have a crack
She said "Ernie I'd be happy if you rolls me on me back
His name was Ernie, EEEEEEEEERRRRNNNHEEEEEE,
and he flew the slowest Phantom in the west

But Ernie had a rival, an evil looking swine
He was swarthy from down the road, the boss of 809
When he threw it over the shoulder, she knew a longing dread
She was at a loss with his medium toss, and she nearly lost her head
His name was Ernie, EEEEEEERRRRNNNMEEEEE,
and he flew the slowest Phantom in the west

Now Ernie would not stand for this 'Enoughs enough" he said
And in the bar that evening he cornered poor old Fred
You've poked around her quadrant hut, and had your evil fun
We'll fight for her tomorrow man to man in one v one
His name was Ernie, EEEEEEEEERRRRNNNIIEEEEEE,
and he flew the slowest Phantom in the west

They took off the next afternoon, just after half past four
Full twenty minutes they battled on, and still there was no score
Then Fred pulled even tighter, he gave it his all
And Ernie shoved in rudder, and stoofed in off a stall
His name was Ernie, EEEEEEEEERRRRNNNIIEEEEEE,
and he flew the slowest Phantom in the west

Ernie did not want to die, he was only twenty eight
But now he's gone for ever, flying circles in the wait
Yet is he in a better place, in that airy fairy land
Where the flying programme always works, and Commander (Airs) are banned
His name was Ernie, EEEEEEEEERRRMNNIMEEEEE,
and he flew the slowest Phantom in the west

For a woman's needs are many fold, and Sue she married
Ted And strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed Is that the wind a whistling through the leaves and the dry rot
Or Ernie’s ghostly Phantom returning to the slot
They won't forget old Ernie, EEEEEEEEERRRNNNMEEEEE,
and he flew the slowest Phantom in the west
 
Used to do one dit in the after POs' mess HMS Lowestoft (known by the wardrobe as "The Glee Cub"), where we put together several songs as follows:-

I was walking through the dockyard in a panic,
When I met a matelot old and grey.
On his back he had his kitbag and his hammick,
And as he passed I heard him say.

Oh I wonder yes I wonder, did the Jaunty make a blunder,
When he made this draft chit out for me.
For I've been a barrack stanchion, way down in Jago's mansion,
And I didn't want to go to sea.

Oh - a million miles I've travelled, and a million sights I've seen,
And I've always said good morning to the Chief.
GOOD MORNING CHIEF!
Oh I wonder yes I wonder, did the jaunty make a blunder,
When he made this draft chit out for me.

This is my story, this is my song.
We've been in commission too f*ckin' long.
Roll on the Rodney, Nelson, Renown.
This one funnelled bastard is getting me down.

Side, side, (ship's name) ship's side,
Jimmy looks on it with pride, - with pride.
He'd have a blue fit if he saw all the shit,
On the side, on the (ship's name) ship's side.

So -
You grab a paint pot, and I'll grab a paint brush,
And we'll paint the ship's side together.
When Jimmy comes along, we will sing this little song.
Thank Christ we didn't join forever.

For those in peril on the sea.

2BM
 
Ven I shoot you down viz my spandau,
Ven I shoot you down viz my spandau,
Viz ze sights on top.
Ze barrel is black,
Ze butt is brown,
Ze strap is genuvine lezzer,
But vith von little burst I vill shoot you down,
No matter vot ze veather.
(chorus to 'There is nothing like a Dame')
Ve have bullets, ve have bombs,
Ve have glasses, ve have shoes,
But what aint we got?
Ve aint got ....

Okay, I think you get the picture.

Non PC, cruel, insensitive, etc., but fun when sung with dance moves worthy of The Producers .... I don't sing it anymore, of course, but I still reckon I should be in Chicago or something :)
 
you can ave my tot if you can remember all the words of my favourite drunken matelot song.I only remember a bit of it cos I was usually pisteded whenever it was sung. It's called the mother in law song Ithink
She's a ratbag a shitbag a fu....g old whorebag
thats my mother in law
she wants rootin tootin
fu....g executing and nailin to the shithouse door....
theres something about "eyes like a dogger bank cod" as well but it's a few years since Ilast heard it.

UP SPIRITS............SPLICEEEERS!!!!
 

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