Favourite matelot song

Apoliogies if this has already been covered, but what is every ones favourite drunk matelot song.

My particular song of choice is the lobster song :lol:

 

Gizza a reminder on that one (greycells fading etc)

What about:

'I don't want to join the Navy,
I don't want to go to sea.
I'd rather hang around
Piccadilly underground
etc etc....

Four and twenty virgins
Came down from Inverness.......

Lots more, but I need to be sozzled to remember them :!:

Shep Wooley probably has 'em all recorded anyway.
:lol:

 

You asked for it

"Oh Mr Fisherman home from the sea have you got a lobster you can sell to me?

Singing Ho Tiddly Ho s**t or bust
Never let your B***ocks dangle in the dust"

What about Aladdin??

 

Dock yard maties children, sitting on a dockyard wall.
Watching their fathers doing F**k all.
When they grow older, they'll be dock yard maties too.
Just like their Fathers, F**k all to do.

 

Song from the Bier Keller Plymouth circa 1974 - (I've never heard it since)

She wore, she wore, she wore a yellow ribbon
She wore a yellow ribbon in the merry month of May
and if you asked her why the hell she wore it
She wore it for a Tiffy who is far far away.

Booties had a different song but same tune - kept trying to drown each other out

 

About as much as I can remember....

There once was a lad named Aladdin
Who had magic lamp.......

da de da de da .......etc etc

'fathoms up a tramp'

 

This could roll on for a few years.

Now sit me down
Buy me a drink
And a story to you I'll tell
Of dead eye dick with the cast iron pr**k
And a harlot named ESKIMO NELL

 

Yeah I remember that one we used to sing it all the time at Fisgard as a baby tiff in 1971.

She wore, she wore, she wore a yellow ribbon
She wore a yellow ribbon in the merry month of May
and if you asked her why the hell she wore it
She wore it for a Tiffy who is far far away.

far away.....not far enough ....far away ....not far enough

She wore it for a tiffy who was far far away

 

What about the old Shep Woolley favourite

I was walking thro the dockyard one morning bright and fair
When a sailor came towards me he had long and shaggy hair
And he looked for all the world as though he didn't have a care
And he said "Why are you looking at me? "
He said....
See me in me civvies mate
I'm really quite the stuff
And when I puts me Brut on
I smells just like a pouf, I'm a smoothie from R N B....


La la la la lalalaaaa la la la la laaaa



La la la la lalalaaaa la la la la laaaa


La la la la lalalaaaa la la la la laaaa

Ram it mate I'm R D P

 

There once was a lad called Alladin
Who had a magic Lamp
He stole it off a Matelot who was fathoms up a tramp
He stole it off a Matelot to see what he could get
And he rubbbed and rubbed and rubbed and rubbed
But he ain't got F***all yet

La de da fiddle dee
60 annas equals one rupee
feed of ar8e up a sycamour tree
poor bu**er Janner

The Sultan saidf to Alladin
my palace you will paint
Alladin like a big OD said - No I fu**in aint
So he armed himself with a paintbrush and a pot of black enamel
and he shoved it up the A**sehole of the sultan's favourite camel

And we'll all go back to Oggie land (where's that)
to Oggie land (where's that )
To Oggieland
And we'll all go back to Oggie land
Where they cant tell ???? from tissue paper tissue paper marmalade and jam

 

Do your balls hang low
Can you swing 'em to and fro
Can you tie 'em in a knot
Can you tie 'em in a bow
Do you get a funny feeling
When they're hanging from the ceiling
Oh you'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low!

(Perhaps not the original lyrics but I like 'em!)

 

Oggie oggie oggie
oi oi oi

oggie
oi

oggie
oi

oggie oggie oggie
oi oi oi


Aha ! ze liddle grey cells isa becummin alive !!!

 

We're off to see the wild west show
The elephant and the wild Kargaroo
We'll all stick together
In all Kinds of weather
We're off to see the wild west show

In this corner we have the GI Raffe
The GI Raffe? What the F*cks that?
The only animal who can stand in the bar and say 'The High Balls are on me.

We're off to see........

And in this corner we have the OOMEGOOLIE Bird
The OOMEGOOLIE Bird? What the F*cks that?
This is a verry large bird which has very short legs
and when it comes in to land it is heard to scream OOMEGOOLIES

We're off to see.........

And in this corner we have the FAKAWI Tribe
The FAKAWI Tribe? What the F*cks that?
This is a tribe of three foot pigmies who hunt in the six foot elephant grass and if they ever get lost they jump up in the air and shout Were the FAKAWI

(It goes on forever)

 

Can`t remember any at the moment - I`m not p1ssed yet :lol:

 

I remember a folk night in Lotties in Gib during Spring Train - must be around 1980. Rab and Fred 'Orrible' off the London on fiddle and guitar - place was packed.

Old favourites including the Chandler's Wife, Marco Polo, Leaving of Liverpool and Ram It.

Cheef Tiff - have just found full set of words to Ram It - no time to type out yet though!

 

another verse to be inserted as above or sung as a separted song all after the Aladin song

"Half a pound of flower and rice
make a lovley clacker
Just enough for you and me
Cor bugger Janer
Oh ow appy us a'll be
when w'ere off to the west county
Cor bugger janner"

"You make fast (increase in tempo or beat)
Kiss my arse
Make fast the dinghy

You make fast
Kiss my arse
Make fast the dinghy"

And we'll all go back to Oggie land .....etc.


Can cut short The Eskimo Nell bit


"Gather round all you whorey

Gather round and hear this story.

When a man rows old, & his balls grow cold

And the tip of his prick turns blue,

It bends in the middle like a 1 string fiddle

He can tell you a tale or two.



So pull up a chair, and stand me a drink

And a tale to you I'll tell

Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete,

And a harlot called Eskimo Nell.



When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete

Go forth in search of fun

It's Dead-eye Dick that slings the prick

And Mexican Pete the gun.



When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete

Are sore, depressed and sad

It's always a c**t that bears the brunt

Bat the shooting ain't so bad.



Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete

Live down by Dead Man's Creek

And such was their luck they'd had no f**k

For nigh on half a week.



Just a moose or two and a caribou,

And a bison cow or so,

And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick

This f**king was mighty slow.



So do or dare this horny pair

Set forth for the Rio Grande,

Dead-eye Dick with his mighty prick

And Pete with his gun in his hand.



And as they blazed their noisy trail

No man their path withstood,

And many a bride, her husband's pride

A pregnant widow stood.





They reached the strand of the Rio Grande

At the height of a blazing noon,

And to slack their thirst and do their worst

They sought Black Mike's Saloon.



And as they pushed the great doors wide

Both prick and gun flashed free.

According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,

You drink or f**k with me."



They'd heard of Dead-eye Dick,

From Maine to Panama

So with scarcely worse than a muttered cur

Those dagos sought the bar.



The girls too knew his playful ways

Down on the Rio Grande,

And forty whores pulled down their drawer

At Dead-eye Dick's command.



They saw the fingers of Mexican Pete

Itch on the trigger grip

And they didn't wait, at fearful rate

Those whores began to strip.



Now Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick

With lecherous snorts and grunts

So forty arses were bared to view

And likewise forty c**ts.



Now forty c**ts and forty arses

If you can use your wits,

And if you're slick at arithmetic,

Makes exactly eighty tits.



Now eighty tits are a gladsome sight

For a man with a raging stand

It may be rare in Berkeley Square

But not on the Rio Grande.



Now Dead-eye Dick had f**ked a few

On the last preceding night,

This he had done just to show his fun

And to wet his appetite.



His phallic limb was in f**king trim,

As he backed and took a run

He made a dart at the nearest tart

And scored a hole in one.



He bore her to the sandy floor

And there he f**ked her fine

And though she grinned

It put the wind up the other thirty-nine.



When Dead-eye Dick lets loose his prick

He's got no time to spare,

For speed & length combined with strength

He fairly singes hair.



He made a dart at the next spare tart,

When into that harlot's hell

Strode a gentle maid who was unafraid,

And her name it was Eskimo Nell.



By this time Dick had got his prick

Well into number two

When Eskimo Nell let out a yell,

She bawled to him, "Hey you."



He gave a flick of his muscular prick

And the girl flew over his head,

And he wheeled about with an angry shout.

His face and his prick were red.



She glanced our hero up and down,

His looks she seemed to decry,

With utter scorn she glimpsed the horn

That rose from his hairy thigh.



She blew the smoke from her cigarette

Over his steaming knob

So utterly beat was Mexican Pete

He failed to do his job.





It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell

In accents clear and cool,

"You c**t struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp.

You call that thing a tool?"



"If this here town can't take that down,"

She sneered to those cowering whores,

"There's one little c**t can do the stunt,

It's Eskimo Nell's, not yours."



She stripped her garments one by one

With an air of conscious pride

And as she stood in her womanhood

They saw the great divide.



She seated herself on a table top

Where someone had left his glass,

With a twitch of her tits she crushed it to bits

Between the cheeks of her arse.



She flexed her knees with supple ease,

And spread her legs apart,

With a friendly nod to the mangy sod

She gave him the cue to start.



But Dead-eye Dick knew a trick or two,

He meant to take his time,

And a girl like this was f**king bliss

So he played the pantomime.



He flexed his arse hole to and fro

And made his balls inflate

Until they looked like granite knobs

Up on a garden gate.



He blew his anus inside out,

His balls increased in size,

His mighty prick grew twice as thick

Till it almost reached his eyes.



He polished it up with alcohol,

And made it steaming hot

To finish the job he sprinkled the knob

With a cayenne pepperpot.





Then neither did he take a run

Nor did he take a leap,

Nor did he stoop, but took a swoop

And a steady forward creep.



With piercing eye he took a sight

Along his mighty tool,

And the steady grin as he pushed it in

Was calculatedly cool.



Have you seen the giant pistons

On the mighty C.P.R.

With the driving force of a thousand horse.

Well, you know what pistons are.



Or you think you do. But you've yet to learn

The ins and outs of the trick

Of the work that's done on a non-stop run

By a guy like Dead-eye Dick.



But Eskimo Nell was no infidel,

As good as whole harem

With the strength of ten in her abdomen

And the rock of ages between.



Amid stops she could take the stream

Like the flush of a watercloset,

And she gripped his cock like a Yale Lock

On the National Safe Deposit.



But Dead-eye Dick could not come quick,

He meant to conserve his powers,

If he'd a mind he'd grind and grind

For a couple of solid hours.



Nell lay for a while with a subtle smile,

The grip of her c**t grew keener,

Squeezing her thigh she sucked him dry

With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.



She performed this trick in a way so slick

As to set in complete defiance

The basic cause and primary laws

That govern sexual science.





She calmly rode through the phallic code

Which for years had stood the test,

And the ancient rules of the classic schools

In a second or two went West.



And so my friends we come to the end

Of copulation's classic

The effect on Dick was sudden and quick

And akin to an anesthetic.



He fell to the floor, and knew no more

His passions extinct and dead

And he did not shout as his prick fell out

Though 'twas stripped right down to a thread



Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet

To avenge his pal's affront,

With jarring jolt of his blue-nosed Colt

He rammed it up her c**t.



He rammed it up to the trigger grip

And fired three times three

But to his surprise she closed her eyes

And smiled in ecstasy.



She jumped to her feet with a smile so sweet

"Bully", she said, "for you.

Though I had guessed that was the best

That you two poor cocks could do."



"When next, my friend, that you intend

To sally forth for fun

Buy Dead-eye Dick a sugar stick

And yourself an elephant gun.



"I'm going back to the frozen North,

Where the pricks are hard and strong.

Back to the land of the frozen stand

Where the nights are six months long.



"It's hard as tin when they put it in

In the land where spunk is spunk

Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream

But a solid frozen chunk.



"Back to the land where they understand

What it means to fornicate,

Where even the dead sleep two in a bed

And the babies masturbate.



"Back to the land of the grinding gland,

Where the walrus plays with his prong,

Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair

That's where they'll sing this song.



"They'll tell this tale on the Arctic Trail

Where the nights are sixty below,

Where it's so damn cold that the Johnnies are sold

Wrapped up in a ball of snow.



"In the valley of death with baited breath

That's where they'll sing it too,

Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle,

And the rotting corpses screw.



"Back to the land where men are men,

Terra Bellicum,

And there I'll spend my worthy end

For the North is calling: 'Come."'



So Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete

Slunk out of the Rio Grande,

Dead-eye Dick with his useless prick

And Pete with no gun in his hand"


Nutty

 

I also rather like this one which came from the HMS Kenya Association

"Now pay attention for I 'ave a tale to tell & one that I 'eard when I wuz but a lad.

'Arpin' Party.

There wuz two Stokers - oppos - on a destroyer out in mid Atlantic.
One wuz a good guy, name of 'Awkins an' t'other wuz a bad bastard, name of Morgan.

But the ship wuz torpedoed & sunk wiv all 'ands. Morgan, the bad bastard, wuz not surprised one bit to find 'issen down below shuvvelin' the hinfernal boilers. One day, sweatin' off 'is goolies, therer wuz a tap on 'is shoulder - it wuz 'Awkins, joining 'im wiva shuvell.

" 'ullo, ops' " 'e said, "watchoo doin' down 'ere - I fort you wuz up top wiv the dab-dabs?"
"Well I wuz" sez 'Awkins, "but I seem to 'ave blotted me copybook an' it ain't seemed to 'ave werked out."

"Really, old mate, 'ow wuz that then - do tell! " 'e sez.
"Well" sez 'Awkins, " it wuz like this - when the tin fish gets us, I finds mesen outside the gilded gates of 'eaven, where they seems to 'ave bin 'spectin' me. So I goes in, ticks me name orf an' gits stuck into me joinin' routine, draws me Pusser 'arp, me Pusser's wings an' me pusser's 'alo and me Pussers No.7's werkin' gown, an' I sling me new 'ammock on a luverley cloud an' gits me 'ead down."

Next mornin' after "Wakey wakey, call the bleedin' angels" an' after Mornin' Divisions, the Chief Seraph's Mate starts tellin' orf werkin' parties from the right end hof the line.
"Right, pay 'tension," sez 'e, " from 'ere to 'ere is Pearly gates polishin' Party. 'ere to 'ere is fiery chariots wheel greasin'. look at me you nasty likkle bastard ! 'ere to 'ere is Lord Gods messengers.......... Remainder - 'Arpin Party."

"So I 'arps from then till stand easy an' from then to Tot Time an' I wuz a bit choker like by then too - after which we secure's fer the day - back to me likkle cloud fer a make 'n mend."

Next day we gits fell-in an' I boxes clever an' I fall-in on the right, ana Leadin' Angel comes up an' starts frum the left 'and end.
"Right, pay 'tension," sez 'e, " from 'ere to 'ere is Pearly gates polishin' Party. 'ere to 'ere is fiery chariots wheel greasin'. look at me you nasty likkle bastard ! 'ere to 'ere is Lord Gods messengers.......... Remainder - 'Arpin Party."

So once agin I 'arps til stand easy, then till Tot Time an' we secures an' I gits me 'ead down an' I am very chokker.

On day free, I gits fell-in in the middle of the Angel Squad an' a PO Angel comes up an' takes 2 parties frum the right, 2 frum the left - an' then he sez to us idiots in the middle - remainder 'arpin'."

So I've 'ad enough an' I sez, "I've 'ad enough" an' I frows down me 'arp down a cloud an' I sez, "I'm chokker wiv 'arpin' I ain't doin' it no more."
So the Leadin' Angel calls the Chief Angel, oo sez, "wassa matter wiv yoo my son" 'e sez.
I sez, "I'm bloody chokker wiv 'arpin' & i ain't a doing' it no more".

So the Chief Angel calls the Chief Seraph's Mate an' we goes frew the 'ole fing once more.
"Ok" 'e sez, "Archangels report" an' the next day the Master o' 'Arps marches me in to see the Duty Archangel.

"Orf 'alo - Acting Ordinary Angel 'Awkins, Sir, did act wiv predudice to good horder an' 'eavenly discilpine in the 'e did refuse to 'arp"
"Is that right" sez the Archangel, "yus, sir" sez I , " an' I'm bleedin' chokker wiv 'arpin'"
"welly well" sez the Archangel, "Creators report - next case"

The next day the Master o' 'Arps marches me in to see the Bloke - the Creator 'imself.
"Well" sez the Creator, "wot 'ave yoo got to say for yerself"

So I tells 'im an 'e sez "Acting Ordinary Angel 'Awkins, all acting angels 'as to do their bit at 'arpin when they comes here, speshlly the ordinary angels like you - tis diffrent for Uppercloud Angels or Sparker Angels, an; speshally Bootie Angels, cos Bootie Angels can do wrong."

"Well I is very sorry but I is chokker wiv 'arpin' an' I done wanna be doin' it no more, anyway I wuz a Stoker & no one goes nowhere wivout us lot."

"Right Acting Ordinary Angel 'awkins" he sez, " there's nuffin more I can do - I 'as to do fings by the books - yoo force my harm - scale!" 'e sez.
"SCALE" sez the Master o' 'Arps " firty days number E11's - right turn, quick marchleftrightleftright wheel - 'alt"

So me 'ole mucker 'ere I am! this is wot 'appens wen yoo refooses to be 'arpin' party - but I fink it wuz cos of all those Booties not likin' us stokers."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Reproduced wiv great respect to an annony mouse contributer to HMS Kenya Assoc - I 've bin looking for this since the Jossman was but a lad.

Nutty

 

Jeez,

Aladin and Rammit I'm RDP take me back.

I remember scraps of two songs:

"Next onboard was the GI's wife, and she was dressed in Green Sir,
And in one corner of her ***t she stored the magazine,
She stored the magazine Sir, the cordite and the shells,
And in the other corner was the 4.5 gun as well"

The other was a version of the 12 days of Xmas, but all I can remember of that was the refrain:

"and a one eyed w**ker off the CherryB"