Faslane Ladies

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by SONAR-BENDER, Feb 11, 2009.

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  1. Helensburgh Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.
    "How many children?" asks the civil servant?
    "10" replies the girl.
    "10???" says the civil servant. "What are their names?"
    "Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec
    "Doesn't that get confusing?"
    "Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."
    "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.
    "'at's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"



    A Dumbarton Deb walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
    "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says.
    "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
    "Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."



    Faslane burd enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator.
    The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
    She says "Gies that rid yin"
    The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."



    A ‘Burg burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
    Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"
    Girl: "OK"
    Medic: "What's your name?"
    Girl: "Morag."
    Medic: "Morag, is this your car?"
    Morag: "Yes."
    Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
    Morag: "Springburn."



    A blonde Dumbarton Deb was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!"
    "It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fu***n' hunners o'them!"




    Another ‘Burg burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
    Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
    Katriona: "OK."
    Medic: "OK then how many fingers am I putting up?"
    Katriona: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!


    Just a little something to celebrate my 100th contribution! TUVM :lol:
     
  2. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    :la: lol.
     
  3. Happy Birthday Bender! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!
    Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Happy Birthday Bender!
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    Happy Birthday Bender! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!
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    Happy Birthday Bender! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!
    Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Happy Birthday Bender!
    Happy Birthday Bender! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!
    Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Happy Birthday Bender!
    Happy Birthday Bender! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!
    Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Happy Birthday Bender!
    Happy Birthday Bender! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!
    Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Happy Birthday Bender!
    Happy Birthday Bender! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!
    Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Happy Birthday Bender!
    Happy Birthday Bender! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!
    Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Happy Birthday Bender!
    Happy Birthday Bender! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!
    Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Happy Birthday Bender!

    100 Pings just for you! :)
     
  4. SB :sign5:
     
  5. Very good bender.

    Trouble is, I think I may know one or two of those burds! :)
     
  6. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    The words "ladies" and "Faslane" should never be used in the same sentence.

    Or "Bodmin" and "Redditich" for that matter... :lol:
     
  7. fnarr fnarr
     
  8. OOOOOOH! :roll: Agreed, Bodmin and Redditch should never be used together. :D
     
  9. Could you imagine the inbreeding?? A mixture of bastardised Brummy and Jacker/janner. Kinell!!
     
  10. Says he with a cut glass accent! :roll:
     
  11. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Have you not seen my avatar?! :wink:
     
  12. Anyone with a glass of wine in their hand is alright by my standards. :D
     
  13. Alreet maid :D
     
  14. "Big Nance" walks into a Helensburgh pub (The "Imps")
    She spots a young submariner at the bar, sipping a pint
    of heavy.
    "Och wee man - dee ye no fancy a wee sh-a-a-g then?....
    Y'can geeuz a fine seein' to.....front and back iff'n yae wanna?"
    The young submariner, looking a little perplexed, enquires as
    to just what exactly this jolly egg-shaped lady is referring to.
    "Not sure what you mean love...."
    Big Nance smiles, and sees off his pint in one, before dragging
    the unfortunate soul out of the pub and into the dark and wet
    streets of Helensburgh.
    "It's in yae Part III Task Book hen", she giggles.
    "Yae got to get the Section headed *Pump Slop Drain and Sewage*
    signed off still have yae noo??"



    AAARRRGGgghhhhhhhhhh!! 8O
     
  15. But you can't see what he has in his other hand!

    8O 8O 8O
     
  16. 8O 8O AAARRGGGHH! 8O
     
  17. I know the woman you refer to in your joke billynomates a friend of mine went back with her one night after a skin full. After he had tried his best at satisfying her she asked "is that you finished" to which he replied yes "well pass the iron brew bottle so I can"
     
  18. Same flat.

    Different night.

    Nance (and her bezzy oppo), shared the place with
    a foreign bird, who would happily empty any desperate
    submariner (be it Fleet/Diesel or even Bomber Queen)
    in the middle of the front room carpet, whilst those
    around watched the show.

    If their front room carpet was ever the subject of a CSI-type
    forensic examination......it would glow in the dark like it was
    in Plant State Alfa.
     
  19. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    You REALLY don't wanna know... 8O :twisted:
     
  20. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!! How could I have forgotten to mention Big Nance? Sorry to all who know / knew her!
     

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