Farting

I stood at the top of the stairs at my daughters "empty" flat. I am doing some plastering there.
I have been partaking quite liberally of late of this dreadful liquid known as rum and I am guilty of eating a very large ( oh joy ) gravy filled steak pie.
About half an hour after my indulgence I thought it might be prudent to empty the bowls before mixing some more plaster.
Couldn't do anything so mixed muck and cracked on, even though I could feel gastric movements. As it's not feasible to leave plaster once mixed, for the call of nature, I let it brew up. About half an hour on I felt the need to relieve the pressure in my gut and let forth with the most epic, prolonged, and fulfilling fart I have ever had the pleasure to emit.
It was long, bellowing and absolutely disgusting in the odour stakes.
I stood feeling deflated, and at peace with the world as the foul obnoxious vapours circulated around the stairs and landing.

"Hello Dad" said my daughter as she and her friend stood aghast at the foot of the stairs, struggling not to retch.. 8O :?

 

Good effort i say, i hope that day will come for me to emit the ultomate stench and have witnesses to pass on the good word

 

Brings a tear to the eye a great bond between father and daughter

 

As someone said, somewhere, at some time "A fart not smelled is a fart wasted" 8)....and waste within the family unit is not to be tolerated....

 

Such is the bond between my daughter and I, every time she farts, I get the blame... And she does come out with some corkers....

 

I blame the cat ...

 

A man of my own ilk. I relied on this blag for many a year until at last the cat crossed the bar. Then a few weeks later I let rip with a very obnoxious but quiet rendition, I call them my stealth filth, and immediately without thinking blamed the cat.
It was then pointed out by the war office that I was either full of shit (literally) or we had a haunting that involved smell but no apparition. 8O 8O :roll:

 

Ratty - it's a well known fat that ghost cats are as naughty as their corporeal counterparts :lol:

 

aww surely the innocent little Princess Tina does not omit foul odours? Vinnie will be most disappointed, he thought she was royalty!

 

Many Moons ago after a wonderous sunday roast (including the devils Testes themselves.. brussel sprouts..fresh not frozen) I felt the rumblings of internal gasses building up, and being the gentleman that I am, I excused myself and disappeared into the kitchen, with a view to going outside the kitchen door and having a ciggy whislt emptying the contents of my arse trumpet, however, I spotted an empty sweet tin (roses), hatching a cunning plan, I took the lid off, farted into the tin and rapidly replaced the lid. 1 Cigarette later I went back into the living room with the tin, chucked it at the kids and said " there you go... help yourselves". UN-FCUKING FORTUNATLEY, the Mother in law took the "sweets" off the kids and said "Adults First"... Joy of Joys.. she proceeded to prise the lid off and got a lungfull of captured Rancid Fart Aroma.... MMMM BISTO !!! needless to say I got daggers for the rest of the time the geriatric bitch was at ours.

 

That is fucking classic.

When can I expect delivery of my new keyboard?

 

Thank you Kind RR...Praise indeed

 

I find it best to start them young. Recently being blessed with a son and heir has allowed me to begin training already.

Being just 4 weeks old, the little man is still at the stage where he does very little apart from lie on his play mat, shit, eat and sleep. I thought he was going to smile yesterday and as he raised the corner of his mouth, I felt a surge of fatherly pride, only for it to be dashed when I realised he was simply laying a cable in his nappy.

I find that being a parent drastically reduces the quality of food you get to eat. Long gone are the days when I had time to prepare a nice healthy meal and relax with a good bottle of wine. These days it's all takeaways eaten as quickly as possible and the odd hastily made snack from the fridge, in-between nappy changes. This has started to take it's toll on my colon and I am emitting some pretty epic bottom burps, much to the disgust of the missus.

During the early hours of this morning, I was changing the little fella's nappy for the 7th time during the night and I could feel a serious Bronx cheer rumbling away in my gut, probably brought on by the two day old Dominoes Pizza I had eaten for dinner. As I felt the gaseous lump moving towards my sphincter, my paternal instinct took over and I thought it only right to teach the little man a valuable lesson and introduce him to the way of Daddy farts. So I squatted over his head, as he lay bright eyed on his changing mat, and let out a loud and windy air biscuit that would make any doting father proud.

It surprised him more than anything and he jumped a little, looking at me with a quizzical 'What the fcuk was that!?' expression. Luckily mummy wasn't watching, I don't think she would have been impressed if she'd witnessed me spraying our first born's head with fizzy bum gravy.

 

Try cracking one off under the duvet, shouting 'Gas, Gas, Gas. And then forcing the war office(s) head under the said duvet :twisted:

 

I believe it's known as the Dutch Oven.

 

And not one follow through run ashore dit yet. Slacking boy!!!

 

Which reminds me of the time "Old Father Reading" managed the ultimate trifecta. QM on gangplank in tropics just after both watches as we all loafed about.
Fart, Follow through AND burst his bumgrapes into the effort.

Legend i tell u, hadn't laughed so much since me granny died

 

Well of course she says it's me and nothing to do with her but don't believe her ... by the way royalty actuall have the same digestive system as the rest of us ... xxx

 

A chip off the old block then?

 

0.26 at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S2VUCdbhg0