Farting Protocol

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by slim, Dec 16, 2006.

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  1. As the festive season approaches and we partake of sprouts, mince pies and other flatulence producing foods it brings about the question is there a protocol for farting?
    For instance in a bar area containing ladies, if a lady should fart is there a pecking order for the person willing to admit to said fart to save the lady any embarrassment? Should the order be , AB followed by LH followed by PO etcetera?
    Should you find that you are unable to contain your flatulence, do you just let it go or do you surreptitiously find some unsuspecting mug to blame?
    Having examined several etiquette articles I am still at a loss.
    It is my belief that RR members would be eminently qualified to correct this situation and between us produce a farting protocol.
     
  2. It is always polite in company, that should anyone fart, one should not say "Cor, who`s shit"
     
  3. If this is said, then in true naval fashion person standing nearest to speaker should reply "Yours sign here"!
     
  4. It is also good manners that if a Lady returns from the powder room, and some one has just dropped one, not to turn to her and say " have you just been for a crap, or what?"
     
  5. I believe that should a Lady audible break wind then a Gentleman is duty bound to fart louder than her and, if necessary, follow through to create sufficient distraction to alleviate her embarrassment.

    The term 'throwing smoke' could perhaps be applied.
     
  6. Equal opportunities lads - ladies have to take equal amounts of flatulence-related flak!
     
  7. Ladies do not fart - they make love puffs!
     
  8. I agree with Chalky, up to a point, I feel it would be a dodgy move after a large quantity of Guiness.
     
  9. You can always spot a non farter,they never fecking smile!!!!
     
  10. if a lady farts i find it not acceptable to say "can you smell spunk"

    this also applies to a lady belch
     

  11. Im so sorry t disagree with you Rosey ,, but us girls do fart!!! and we do a realy good job of blaming the men .... or the dog!!

    Well that is what men are here for you know, to be blamed :twisted:
     
  12. I have found that when in polite or mixed company, that when it's suspected that there is a noxious odour in the air then one should enquire "Has someone opened their egg sandwiches?".
    This may discover the culprit.
    If not, then ask whether someone has shat themself.
     
  13. It's easy - If the culprit is wearing tights you will find that her ankles become the same size as Wrens ankles!
     
  14. Last line Josiecats " that's what men are for ......." You gotta be hurting?????
     
  15. Is it rude to fart loudly in public then?
     
  16. Only if you can be named by the people around you.

    Random, loud, anonymous farting is part of the rich social fabric of this country and should be exercised by every man, woman and child whenever they feel particularly British.
     
  17. Thank God for that, for a moment there I thought I wasn't normal!!
     
  18. Cetainly not, in public it should be done loudly and proudly, but it should be done openly. ie, stood next to someone else, this gives you the opportunity to glower at them.
     
  19. on meeting a girlfriends family for the first time I found myself building a good head of steam in the guff department........

    having excused myself outside on the excuse of a smoke I let rip with a guff that shook leaves off the nearest tree.....and yes it was a proud moment! :twisted:

    on returning to the room my potential father-in-law noticed the smile on my face and said "you went outside for a fart?" I said yes....proudly and then made my excuses and left never to return........ 8O

    the moral of the story is let rip and be proud of your man-hood. If in bed hold your nearest and dearest under the duvet.....so she can enjoy the full experience.....I'm sure she will love you even more for your openness! :D
     

  20. Ohhhh thank you for admitting this...bed story... as my huby says I am the only one to share my gifts...... :twisted: :twisted:
     

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