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Farting catches you out.......

Chris P

War Hero
True cats welcome

Windies on Achilles - Royal Guard for their Independence from UK (82 ?) - We were on the flight deck saluting the outgoing (and last) Governor General

6 Booties in front row 6 of us in 2nd row in whites - present arms, marine in front farts loudly thinks he gets away with it as band playing National Anthems - brown stain appears in whites and trickles down back of leg - we matelots are trying desperately not to crease up - Colour Sargeant at back starts quietly with 'fcukin matelots can't you control yourselves for 5 fcukin minutes' you *******' - made it even worse

you know when you do that high pitched mewing at the back of your throat to stop yourself laughing out loud

anyway CS wonders what is going on so after salute wanders round and sees said bootneck's keks and you can see the head of steam coming to the boil as the inspection is just about to start - steams over to said booty (who thinks he has only farted) and CS says 'faint you fcukker, get down on the deck- dumb booty is going wha ?? - CS kicks him in the Achilles (no pun intended) and said fcukin get down and lay on your back

gets carried off by gash hands and apparently got a good seeing too by the rest of the troop on the CS orders - never saw him after that so must have been sent home
How the hell do you black cat that?

Brilliant. :D
You don't, nearly pee'd myself laughing - double brilliant:D:D


War Hero
How the hell do you black cat that?

Brilliant. :D
looks like that would need a brown cat ;)

Back in the day, Gib run in white jeans, why white jeans who knows, may have been fashion?

End of night, wrong side of too many JC’s I had this churning in my guts, it was late so nowhere open.

I needed a massive fart, but something inside me said don't trust this fart.

I have an idea, probably not a good one, to pull my white jeans down and crap in a dark corner.

All was well until I tried to pull up my no longer white jeans, aim was of and I had crapped in my jeans.

Work back to Dockyard with a strange drunken stager and squelchy arse, must have smelled uumm

Middle watch had over all is well, Sumo in the fwd heads cleaning his trollies, he shite himself.

Tried as I may could not get brown stuff out of jeans, sent to chocky Dhobi who call me dirty bassa and through them in the bin.

I never brought white jeans again.


I recall that as a student I took on a job tutoring a chap for one of his O Level resits. He was a lazy sod and I had to establish my authority quite early on as I was only a few years his senior. We both played Rugby and that was a help. Anyway, in one of the lessons (which took place at his house, in his father’s study) I was unable to help releasing a particularly extreme and noxious Silent But Deadly. I tried to hold it back but it really was a case of Better Out Than In. In the fart I could clearly discern the fish cakes, baked beans and runner beans I had eaten at College lunch a couple of hours earlier.

After the initial shock my student looked at me and said: ‘Sir, did you make that smell?’ We both cracked up with laughter and then made a gentlemen’s agreement that if either of us felt a fart coming we would just let rip! We had a number of extremely smelly lessons in the weeks that followed and fortunately he scraped through his exam.


War Hero
Riskier, though. And the jart (fart in a jar) can be savoured for longer and give a sense of lasting achievement.
Hargreaves old chap.....................we have been waiting for a weirdo like you on here for a while are doubly welcome !!


War Hero
When I were a lad, back in '70s me and the girlfriend had a flat in Church Street in Hereford.
Every Saturday night a gang of us along with the Wags in tow would go 'circuit training' (touring the pubs) of ye medieval shithole and with a gallon on board would join the queue to get into 'Cherry's Nightclub' formerly the Odeon picture house in High Town.
On this occasion there was one hell of a queue and we were right down by Currys which had a huge plate glass frontage. Feeling one coming through, I craftily reversed up to the window and let rip. This set up one hell of a vibration through the glass of the window and the noise was amazing. My girlfriend, now my wife these last 40 years, walked off in disgust while all us lads fell about laughing. A passing constable said 'I ought to arrest you for disturbing the peace.' My mate Graeme Hornsby wittily replied 'You should arrest him for disturbing the putty!
Best fart I've ever done.


What is your favourite name for farts? Other than just plain farts that is! I still think of them as guffs as that was the term I heard as a schoolboy back in the 70s (the verb form being ‘to guff’).


Lantern Swinger
Book Reviewer
I once dropped one and my mum said, "Rebbonk, stop that!"

She didn't appreciate my response of, "OK mum, which way did it go?"


War Hero
I let rip at the dinner table, sat next to my mother, who was visiting, she smacked me around the head and told mo off. My daughter in law nearly peed herself laughing, I was 50yrs at the time.

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