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Farting catches you out.......

nutty_bag

War Hero
At 03:00 this morning we were tranporting a rather obese lady from the A&E to our vehicle. The sister in charge came out with us which i found a bit strange. As we are packaging the patient into the vehicle the sister does the LOUDEST fart you have ever heard in front of the patient and follows it up with "thats better, must be all that fruit i'm eating" :lol: :wink: :lol:

Where is the most embarrasing venue where you have had to drop one then, come on own up. I know i need to get out more as this thread is shocking but i just found it hilarious, especially as my crewmate thought it was me. Me?? Never!! 8O 8O
 
I dropped one in the lift going up the empire state building..the lift was full of germans...I wasn't embarrassed though, I was quiet chuffed with myself :D
 
My other most memorable fart was when I was dressed as Big-ears and was openning the new "Big W" which many of the jocks will know..it's situated in the retail park next to Celtics stadium in Glasgow...anyway, loads of kids are crowded around me and the lass wearing the Noddy suit and I was dieing to fart......so Big-ears (me) walked up to Noddy, stood next to him and let out a real rip roaring fart...I (big-ears) then stared and pointed at noddy and walked off in disgust....to the cries of loads of little kids.."mummy, mummy Noddy's just farted"....had to be there I guess :lol:
 

bucket

Badgeman
my little girl did the classic recently - stood in her cot waiting for mummy to pick her up, lifts one leg out to the side ( obviously to create more space) and promptly lets out a fart her father would be proud of - then giggles! I thought girls were supposed to take after their mothers?? If I hadn't been there when she was born I would swear she was someone elses!
 

alanbach

Lantern Swinger
I often recall the time when I let one go whilst in a wet suit in the sea treading water.....what a sensation with those bubbles travelling up your spine :oops: :lol:
 

andym

War Hero
wet_blobby said:
I dropped one in the lift going up the empire state building..the lift was full of germans...I wasn't embarrassed though, I was quiet chuffed with myself :D

Didnt Germans get the death penalty for gassing people?
 

the_chisler

Badgeman
Feeling a bit rough on ACTIVE, decided to go and have a shower. (all full) waiting for my turn, decided to throw some water on my face. Let rip with the biggest wettest fart ever shortly followed by the foulest follow through in Naval History. After prising my fingers from the dents I'd made in the sink looked up to see in the relection of my mirror, 3 very pissed of shipmates 'confined to their traps' as a free surface flood of shite swashed around the deck.....They never did see the funny side of that!

If you havent got a sense of humour you shouldnt have joined up?!
 

andym

War Hero
Last week i was attending a training session at a hotel in Heathrow.I dropped a silent one and sidled off for a smoke.A few moments
later, 3 regional buisness managers exit the room blaming each other!I hadnt the heart to tell them!
 

Hargraves

Midshipman
I was educated at a very traditional boys’ boarding school. When I was a prefect in my final year, I remember conducting the morning roll call in my House, with the House Master present. About half way through, having fought it back valiantly until then, a very loud and extremely long fart forced its way quite painfully out of my arse and into the assembled throng. There was general hilarity (except for my House Master’s stony face). Then, a few seconds later, a universal cry of ‘phwoooahhh!’ and ‘ugggghhh!!!’ For the fart had the rare quality of being not only loud and proud but deadly, with a gnawing, lingering pong. After the roll call, my House Master (face still screwed up with disgust) said: ‘What was all that about?’
‘It wasn’t about anything, Sir. It was a fart,’ I answered cheekily. I also pointed out that the School and House rules contained no mention of farting. Fortunately he saw the funny side and advised me to have a ‘good crap’ and ‘let out anything else that’s lurking there’.

A nice trip down memory’s backside. ...
 

Hargraves

Midshipman
Loud and proud farts have the greater entertainment value, whereas Silent But Deadlies are - in my experience - a highly effective form of guerrilla warfare.
 
One Wee Scottish Farty (Tae A Fart)


Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'body's gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek

But a' the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
A' hope a' huvnae sh*t ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better scurry
Whit the hell, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me choakin'
One or two are nearly boakin'
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I'm no that welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' one wee farty

(author unknown)
 
At 03:00 this morning we were tranporting a rather obese lady from the A&E to our vehicle. The sister in charge came out with us which i found a bit strange. As we are packaging the patient into the vehicle the sister does the LOUDEST fart you have ever heard in front of the patient and follows it up with "thats better, must be all that fruit i'm eating" :lol: :wink: :lol:

Where is the most embarrasing venue where you have had to drop one then, come on own up. I know i need to get out more as this thread is shocking but i just found it hilarious, especially as my crewmate thought it was me. Me?? Never!! 8O 8O
 

Dredd

War Hero
Super Moderator
^ ??

Usually when you use a quote function, it is to support your comment. All you have done is re-post the OP.
 

Dusty70

War Hero
True dit.....black cats welcome

Windies on Achilles - Royal Guard for their Independence from UK (82 ?) - We were on the flight deck saluting the outgoing (and last) Governor General

6 Booties in front row 6 of us in 2nd row in whites - present arms, marine in front farts loudly thinks he gets away with it as band playing National Anthems - brown stain appears in whites and trickles down back of leg - we matelots are trying desperately not to crease up - Colour Sargeant at back starts quietly with 'fcukin matelots can't you control yourselves for 5 fcukin minutes' you wankers' - made it even worse

you know when you do that high pitched mewing at the back of your throat to stop yourself laughing out loud

anyway CS wonders what is going on so after salute wanders round and sees said bootneck's keks and you can see the head of steam coming to the boil as the inspection is just about to start - steams over to said booty (who thinks he has only farted) and CS says 'faint you fcukker, get down on the deck- dumb booty is going wha ?? - CS kicks him in the Achilles (no pun intended) and said fcukin get down and lay on your back

gets carried off by gash hands and apparently got a good seeing too by the rest of the troop on the CS orders - never saw him after that so must have been sent home
 

Dredd

War Hero
Super Moderator
True dit.....black cats welcome

Windies on Achilles - Royal Guard for their Independence from UK (82 ?) - We were on the flight deck saluting the outgoing (and last) Governor General

6 Booties in front row 6 of us in 2nd row in whites - present arms, marine in front farts loudly thinks he gets away with it as band playing National Anthems - brown stain appears in whites and trickles down back of leg - we matelots are trying desperately not to crease up - Colour Sargeant at back starts quietly with 'fcukin matelots can't you control yourselves for 5 fcukin minutes' you *******' - made it even worse

you know when you do that high pitched mewing at the back of your throat to stop yourself laughing out loud

anyway CS wonders what is going on so after salute wanders round and sees said bootneck's keks and you can see the head of steam coming to the boil as the inspection is just about to start - steams over to said booty (who thinks he has only farted) and CS says 'faint you fcukker, get down on the deck- dumb booty is going wha ?? - CS kicks him in the Achilles (no pun intended) and said fcukin get down and lay on your back

gets carried off by gash hands and apparently got a good seeing too by the rest of the troop on the CS orders - never saw him after that so must have been sent home

How the hell do you black cat that?

Brilliant. :D
 

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