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Extracts of an Englishman in Inverness


War Hero

If you haven't seen this, you may find it amusing.

DEC 18Th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 20Th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 25Th
Christmas Day. It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

DEC 31st
New Year's Eve. Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for the car £500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 1st
New Year's Day. Still cold. Had another 8 inches of the white shite last night. Car covered in salt and iced up slush . That bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 3rd
More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a fucking deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

That fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch that fuck pig that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'fucking' Schumacher and buries the fucking driveway again.

16 more sodding inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.

Can't move my fucking toes or my twatting fingers. Haven't seen the sun for 5 bastard weeks. Minus 20 and more fucking snow forecast

He hasn't even included the sweaty hairey smellie bints that inhabit the place (mind you they do shag for a pint of heavy).

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